Mr. C and I broke up…again. It’s like the saga of Carrie and Mr. Big–without the rich, fabulous life in NYC part. And believe me, I will not be dragging out any relationship drama with anybody for 10 years–or anything close to that. One of my good girlfriends asked me how I found the courage to let someone that I love go. This was my response, and she thought it would be helpful to my readers, so here it goes.
Dear Fabulous and Confused,
I think of my life like a play where I am the main character–or maybe like a concert recital where I share my love, gifts, etc. with other people. Some people earn and deserve front row seats, others the nosebleed seats in the balcony. However, lots of people don’t even get a ticket to come into the theater hall. If someone is going to come to my play, and be constantly fidgeting and moving, getting up and leaving, being disruptive–and sometimes, sometimes applauding and being attentive and making me feel good–he gots to go. There are men who can sit in their seats and be there for you and give you a standing ovation. He may not understand everything that is going on in the play, but he doesn’t leave because it’s too boring, too zany, too unclear, or making more money than his play. He stays there in loving attention and helps you grow, telling you how you could improve, and giving you a front row seat and backstage pass to his play. Obviously, life is not a performance, but it’s just a helpful way for me to think about what I should and shouldn’t tolerate in my friends and significant others.
I tend to stay in relationships far past their due date. When I encounter disrespect or disinterest from a guy, I tend to redouble my efforts as if I alone can make it work. Then, I finally just get tired of feeling anxious, disappointed, and neglected. I get fed up with feeling starved of love and attention. Some of that can be solved by giving myself more love and attention (going to the gym, cooking more, etc.) but it’s also a result of me giving more time, energy, and attention way more than I am receiving.
I also try not to take it personally. It’s not that Mr. C doesn’t love me; it’s just that our relationship is not a priority for him right now. He hasn’t made it to Steve Harvey’s place of security in his title, money, and whatever else it is, so there’s nothing I can do to make him ready. I could wait around for him to “get his” but I’d be putting my life on hold. He obviously wants to focus on being in B-School, getting settled in his career, etc. If he had showed me that he could balance our relationship and his hustle, I’d still be there. It was just obvious to me that he wasn’t willing to.
I also have faith that God wouldn’t make the one guy for me out of my reach. I want me and Mr. C to be together, but not if it means I have to wait around for two years for him to even think about getting engaged. I’m going to go live my life, date other guys (this is very important to my bouncing back rather than sinking further in), and he can knock on my door if he ever is ready–and maybe I’ll be single and interested.
That last paragraph is the one that helps me the most. I heard a quote that God never gives you a dream without the means to accomplish it, so (most of the time), I don’t fear being one of the “Black women who will never find love.” Why? Because I’ve learned to open my heart to good men in whatever color they come in. I still need to be physically attracted, emotionally attracted, etc., but my experience with Mr. C taught me how important it is to love the guys who love you in actions and their words–not the ones you wish would love you.
You are beautiful, smart, funny, successful, ambitious, and inspiring. I know the semi-single life gets very discouraging at times. My main advice to you is to have an open heart and open mind and to let go of anything or anyone that does not serve your higher good. Abundance is your destiny–not scarcity!
Love,
Kaneisha
Photo Credit: September Modern Letters by CraigMorsels via Flickr
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you, I needed this.
Thanks for reading, Butterly Princess.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Letter to a Fabulous and Confused Woman =-.
OH LADY!!! I swear you’ve stolen my journals or have been a fly on my wall. Honey I say you get this trade marked and put IT on cups, cards, t-shirts etc. Women need this. Those who don’t kow need to be made aware and those of us who know but sometimes forget need to be reminded! For REAL
Not a bad idea, Goddiva! I’m so happy that you enjoyed the post and found it helpful.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Letter to a Fabulous and Confused Woman =-.
My guy friends tell me to look at the actions, and that has made me hang around waiting for the guy I love to commit. However ACTIONS + Words is the key. The guy needs to decide he is totally in love with you and want you and show it! Then there is something to consider… or we sweet saps could wait around forever!!
The best advice which I hear constantly is to work on yourself, live your life and if you do love God and trust Him – seek Him first – then everything else will be added to you..
The confusing part is when we know the promises such as He will give us the desires of our heart (if we do not give up) then he seems to put that person out of reach. Perhaps the timing is not right or the person or perhaps we are not ready… again the above advice holds!
Wishing you success in love!
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
I needed to hear this too! Thank you for being so honest.
Thanks for reading, Chase What Matters.
I have been reading your blog for a while now-although this is the first time I’ve made a comment. This post really spoke to me-mainly because I am recently single myself. There is just so much to say -so much I feel like I’ve wanted to say to him (we have barely spoken since I left him) but I will say to you and the rest of your readers now. I don’t have the wherewithal or guts to say this to my ex, because I didn’t want to go there. Opening up that book again always seems to get me into trouble-but the last few days not opening it has made me well, restless.
Recently single is relative I guess, but it’s been 8 months-we were together for 3.5 years. That time included a wildly romantic and spiritually enriching long distance courtship, which included him coming to my hometown to meet my family and resulted in him asking me to move to his city. An offer which I accepted, after serious hesitation and 2 months of daily persuasion.
This was the man I had it made up in mind that I was going to marry and as I believed and had confirmed several times, he felt the same way about me too. But then, during the course of our relationship after I moved to his city, things just kind of fell apart. He started talking about how scared he felt-but couldn’t say what he was so scared of.
This of course made me feel like he was just using me for “a good time”, so I pulled away and focused on my own life. When he felt my absence, we talked about it and I told him that I had been distancing myself because I felt he wasn’t being present in our relationship. One day our relationship made me feel on top of the world and like he was the only thing in it that made sense; the next day I felt like the lowest of the low banished to the bottom of the barrel.
We broke up one other time in that 3.5 year period, but got back together a few months later when he (or so I thought) decided that he did want to try to make things work and he did want to be together in the long run.
I always thought things would work out between us. Although they were tough, I thought ‘this is love in real life, not the crap you see in the movies’. But, as time went on, I wanted to either move our relationship to a safer space/move forward, or let it go. The up and down was killing me-and I needed to know without a doubt that he was in there with me 100%. At the end, I found out, he wasn’t. I’m obviously leaving out tons of details and situations-but the bottom line is at the end of the day, he just wasn’t the guy for me.
Our “for the record” reason for breaking up was that he didn’t want to have any more kids (this was after 3.5 years of telling me he did even though he had one from a previous marriage) and I wasn’t sure that I didn’t. He said he didn’t want to leave the comfort of his house and home to buy one with me-he just wasn’t as ready as he thought he was to move forward with me in his life.
I can’t believe that he “woke up” after all that time, and decided that more kids weren’t for him. I can’t imagine that-who would do that? Why would you lie for all of those years-then decide to come clean? Why play nice boyfriend guy, when in fact you are anything but? Why fake the funk?
In my heart, I don’t know what to believe. What I think is that he was a lying bastard for the whole time-and either met someone else, just got bored with me or decided that he’d rather be alone than have me talking to him about things he could care less about.
So often I feel like I wasted 3.5 years of my life loving and believing in someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back 100% of the time. Don’t get me wrong, we had our good times, but in the end, I wanted commitment, not just having a good time together. I had been very upfront about that 3 months into the relationship because I knew what I wanted and I knew I really, really liked him.
I’ve seen my ex around town (I still live in his home town, where I moved to be with him, because I have a job here-hello financial crisis!) twice in the past 8 months. We’ve had one chat which resulted in me screaming at him (over the phone-not in public) and me telling him to never contact me again. I found out a few weeks ago at random chance, he was selling his house. Mind you, this was the guy who said 4 months prior that he wasn’t ready to make a major life change like selling his house because he was so emotionally tied to it-and now he was. Hummmmm. .. . like I said, I don’t believe his “I was scared to have more kids” reason for being such a dick to me and lying to me about his feelings and intentions.
Needlesstosay, my heart is broken-still. I feel stupid for being brave enough to fall in love and move here to be with a man who loved me (or so he said and played love) but didn’t want to commit to me. I feel totally devastated because it didn’t work out. But I can’t figure out why-he wasn’t the right guy, which is clear, but I can’t shake this feeling of sadness.
Eight months later-I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and like my dreams and life have been destroyed. I feel sad, angry, irritated and hopeless during the day, only to come home to my own private hades at night. I wake up nights from grinding my teeth so hard I can’t sleep and from crying in my dreams. I haven’t gotten a decent nights rest in months. The break up is always on my mind. This has gotten less and less so and less intense over time -but progress is (or at least feels) very slow.
I’ve been trying to move on-but I can’t seem to. On the surface, my friends think I’m “brave” and a trooper for surviving this whole thing. On the inside, I feel like poop.
I worked up the courage to try to start dating again a few months ago after some well-meaning friends encouraged me to set up an online dating profile. Most of the guys I’ve met are “booty hunters” and just want sex, have been total flakes or lose interest after a while (either me or them). I honestly believe I have the wrong attitude, which is attracting the wrong men into my romantic life at the moment. But honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t seem to shake the breakup blues and my small efforts to start dating again have been lacklustre at best.
I keep torturing myself by replaying all of the details over and over in my mind. That makes me sad, because I believe I made the right choice to leave this loser-but still my heart is broken. I was in therapy about all of this for 6 months, which was the right choice. I think it helped some-but also made me realize I have a lot of work to do if I am ever really going to be happy in a relationship or find the right guy. After this experience, I have major doubts about men and about “meeting a life partner”, dating or even making an effort. I’m trying not to let this experience ruin me or sour me to men-but I’m no saint. What little faith I did have in men and romance seems dead and I don’t trust men AT ALL after this.
Also, I feel like I am going to end up like one of those fabulous, well educated, good looking black women who are 43 and still have not found a partner (for the ones who want one). I don’t want to end up that way-but I don’t know how I’m going to make it some days. I usually do-but it’s often after a lot of tears.
The thing is-I’ve always been very open minded and dated men from all over the world, much less from different races. I workout and keep fit, dress well, can cook, know how to have a good time doing stuff like going for bike rides and hikes or clubbing and travelling. I have good credit, am highly educated, well travelled, speak more than one foreign language and have a good job. I’m what most people on the outside would deem “a great catch” but for me, on the inside, I am terrified to be emotionally intimate with others because I fear getting hurt so badly again. I am angry that this experience has made me this way-and also sad that I don’t know what to do about it.
Don’t get me wrong-I am a beautiful, young and accomplished black woman with good, supportive friends and a decent job. I speak languages and have lived abroad. I am working on my MBA at the moment. I have lots of hobbies and things I like to do. I do have a life, generally speaking from the outside, a good one. But I feel like this break up has taken so much away from me and I am seriously losing hope that there is a match out there for me. I hate to sound like “that girl” but I definitely feel like her at the moment.
I read your post and it made me think-wow, I wish I could feel like that. All “it aint about me” or whatever-but I don’t. Maybe this whole thing wasn’t about me, but damn, it sure feels like it was. I wish I could say that my ex loved me-some days I think he did, others I think I’m being foolish for even considering the thought. I also wish I had the faith you do that God wouldn’t make the one guy for me out of my reach. But, I’m not so sure anymore. My faith has seriously been shaken and I wish I could report otherwise.
Believing abundance is my destiny–not scarcity-is my challenge. I am trying my best to be up for that challenge every day, but as I said, my faith is shaky and my bravery miniscule.
What I would like to tell you is that I appreciated your post because at least it’s given me something new to think about. Maybe, really, it wasn’t about me. And yes, definitely-the semi single life gets extremely discouraging at times. I am trying to muster up the courage to live with an open heart and mind, but it’s hard. Really, really hard. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of annoyance when well meaning friends say things like “Oh forget about him, just move on with your life”. If only they knew how much I wish I could just wash him from my mind. But alas, I seem to be very unable to do that completely.
Hi V,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Unfortunately, your story is one I’ve seen plenty of times and still see all the time. I was your story on a mini scale (think 11 months instead of 3.5 years).
You didn’t waste 3.5 years of your life. You proved to yourself that you are capable of moving to a completely new city, getting a job, making friends, and establishing a life! That’s a really big deal! You aren’t stupid, so there was obviously some love and goodness there during the 3.5 years you two were together.
You sound pretty fabulous to me! I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. You feel like he took all the beauty, love, and goodness you had to give when he walked out of your life. I promise that he didn’t. What happened is that you wrapped so much of your happiness and self-worth up in him and the relationship, when he left, you felt like you were left with nothing.
This is not forever. This is not every man. This is not every relationship you will have.
What to do now? Warning: My advice is drastic, but drastic situations call for drastic situations.
Get out of that city. As soon as you can. You only moved there to be there with Mr. Never Ready, you did not say that you love your job (only that you have one), and everything about that city screams his name to you. I know you’re working on your MBA, so that likely means you have to stay to at least finish that (don’t let him mess with your education!). But then you get out of there as soon as you can. Move back in with your mother (I don’t care if you’re 40), go to where your best girl friend is, close your eyes and point to a map (of course one that has all the sad, cold cities crossed out). I don’t care how much furniture you have, how much money you don’t have, or how settled you’ve become in the city you live in. You get out of Dodge as soon as you can–and never look back. Let your friends come visit you in your new fabulous life. If you’re as fabulous as you sound (and I’m sure you are), you will have no trouble building a new life in a new city where your relationship can no longer haunt you.
In the meantime, cleanse your spirit as much as you can. Meditate, do yoga regularly, take up a new hobby (I know you said you already have some), take a fun class at a local community college, go on a trip–even if it’s just an hour away. You have to get through this. You can get through this.
Thanks for reading and sharing your story.
Hug,
Kaneisha
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Is Wendy Williams Right About Marriage? =-.
Kaneisha -
Good for you for knowing your worth! You are right to believe that there are men out there who are ready to celebrate you and recognize how fabulous, beautiful and powerful you are — and who can “stay there in loving attention.” I know because I married an incredible woman who refused to settle and we now have a precious 3-yr-old daughter. Rock on!
PEACE&BLESSINGS,
JG
J.G. Boccella
http://www.modomio.com
Thanks so much, JG! You’ve warmed my heart.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Is Wendy Williams Right About Marriage? =-.
Kaneisha. You are amazing.
“You feel like he took all the beauty, love, and goodness you had to give when he walked out of your life. I promise that he didn’t. What happened is that you wrapped so much of your happiness and self-worth up in him and the relationship, when he left, you felt like you were left with nothing.”
That statement made my tears well up. Thank you. And thank you.
You’re welcome. Thank you for reading and commenting!
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..You Can Never Go Home Again =-.
After reading this, I know that I have made the right decision to end things with a guy I truly cared about. He just wasn’t there for me like I was for him. I am going to patiently wait for the man for me. Until then I am going to continue to focus on bettering myself.
Thank you so much for posting this… =)
Hey Misty!
Yes, it’s always very hard to let the ones we still really love go, but I think you’re doing what’s best for you right now. It will all work out.
Kaneisha
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..You Can Never Go Home Again =-.
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