Today on the Wendy Williams show, she said the following (paraphrased because I obviously did not sit in front of the television taking dictation):
“Today is such a great time to be a woman. In our mother’s generation, women got married in their twenties, and stayed at home ironing men’s shirts. But now women are graduating from college and graduate school at astronomical rates. I think women should spend their twenties having fun, kissing boys, doing your thing, and that the thirties are for marriage. You should never get married until you have stayed in your own apartment—no parents, no roommates, you can come home, sit in your bra and panties in front of the fan. You must go on a vacation by yourself before you get married. Have fun in your twenties! Get married in your thirties.”
A rumble of disagreement and discussion ripped through the audience. They were just as confused—and perhaps just as intrigued—as I was. And as I lay in my bed in my bra and panties, I wondered:
What if Wendy Williams is right about marriage?
Wendy’s philosophy about marriage flies in the face of my personal quest for Mr. Right, but I considered it for just a moment, and realized:
If I didn’t get married until 30, I could do whatever I want for the next four years. I could move to LA and spend my days on Venice Beach, reading self-help books on my Kindle, writing short stories, and taking calls from my coaching clients. I could move to a sunny cottage in Paris and write a Black tragic epic—The Color Purple for the new generation. I could move to China and learn Mandarin while teaching elementary school. I could move to Mumbai and see how many Bollywood films I could make it into in a year. I could do whatever I wanted.
Then, I said, “But, Kaneisha, if you want to have children, you better get started! And you know you want to have a few years with just you and your husband before the kids come!”
And then I realized that all of those things can still happen—even if I don’t get married until I’m 30. Or 33. The baby may have to be conceived in someone else’s womb the later I wait, but I can have my baby if I want it.
Maybe there’s peace and happily ever after between getting married now and getting married never. Even letting myself consider the possibility that Wendy’s philosophy is right feels very freeing. Wendy, you’ve got me thinking.
Photo Credit: “Just Married” by Luxa Vision via Flickr
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I was literally JUST crying my eyes out about this … hung up the phone and turned on my computer to read this. A lot of the women I know are married, have children, families, husbands, and I am building a business. This post def made me feel like at 28, I should be proud of what i am doing, not sitting at home crying over boys.
I’m right there with you, Natalie. The day Mr. C and I broke up, I made the terrible mistake of watching that ABC special about how successful Black women can’t find a good man, and spent 30 minutes on the phone with my Grandma crying my eyes out. No more of that.
Maybe it’s because I’m well into my 30′s, but I think she’s right. I mean, if I had married any of the guys I was dating in my 20′s my life would be a big ol’ bag o’ sh#t right now.
The one thing I’ll add to her message is this:
I think the older you get and the more experiences you have the more you know yourself – which means that you know more about what you want and don’t want in your life. Some would argue that you also get more set in your ways (and I admit that they’d have a point), but I think being clear (and by that I don’t mean rigid or controlling – but grounded in your own truth) about what you desire out of your life and your mate is a key part of having a successful – as in enduring, happy, healthy, and passion-filled union.
S
Beautifully stated, Skye Blue!
I didn’t get married (the first time!) until 31. But I really didn’t have any SENSE about marriage until I was 40. I definitely think that the key to a successful marriage is self-knowledge. Some people have that in the 20s, some people never get it.
There is a flipside here. Youth is definitely an advantage for women in the dating market. Men in their 30s and 40s are still dating women in their 20s. Heck, men in their 50s and 60s date women in their 20s. (Sorry– just a fact!) While 30-something is hardly “over the hill” (and neither is 40-something) it can make a difference in what’s available– and what’s looking for you.
Slightly off topic, but have you seen this analysis of minority/majority marriage disparity? http://www.law.virginia.edu/html/news/2009_spr/marriage.htm
Good point about men going after the pretty young thangs. My solution to that problem lies in two potential areas: 1) I tend to look younger–by up to 5 years from my real age, so maybe it won’t matter. 2) I have no qualms about picking up and moving to Italy or Ghana or wherever I can find a good man who is not stupidly attached to my age.
As for the minority/marriage disparity, just another reason to not put myself in the monoracial dating box. How did we get here?
Ah, Kaneisha one year later feels a little differently. Age DOES matter and men really do date women who are much younger if they can. The book “Marry Him” really opened my eyes to that–and to the seriousness of dating with purpose while in your 20s and early 30s. Thanks for the insightful comment, Karyn!
I think I LOVE this idea! In the past couple months I have been backing away from the marriage in my late twenties idea and into the “eff it, I have time to relax, have fun and make my own rules for the next 5 years” idea!! The babies is a big thing, but when I think about it, I HATE the thought of having babies in my 20s, so that settles that!
dating in your 40s is great, too. by that time, so many folks have gotten married and divorced that there are plenty of eligible bachelors. no need to rush the whole marriage thing…
also, a friend of mine who recently was divorced and adopted a baby (in her late 30s). there are so many ways to create family and to be in love and to have love in one’s life. i’m single, happy, 40 and my life is FULL of love.
You will never find love if you are actively looking for it. Time and time again i hear from friends “I had completely stopped looking for a relationship when I met _______.” You are absolutely right to stop looking for love and start loving your freedom. You won’t find it till it finds you!
It depends on the person, and their life goals, and maturity level. If you’re in your 20s and you want to be married, because that’s something that you want for you life, why not go for it? If you’d rather not, and you’d rather spend time going crazy, kissing boys and traveling, why not do that?
There’s never one right thing for everyone. Each person is different!
Interesting post topic and comments.
Coming from someone who always wanted to be married and have children early and so far hasn’t happened, I have learned a few things… self-development (any development really) is absolutely wonderful – it is my passion, so are relationships. No-one is an island.
Although one thing I have noticed with all my very successful girlfriends who had their careers first then children in mid-late thirties – they are tired in their forties!!! Not all but most. That is except for the ones in the ex-pat life with maids, drivers, cooks… there is something to be said for having quality time with your children rather than screaming at them to pick up their socks when you can barely stand from exhaustion. Although bonding for me has usually been over dishes, cleaning cars, or doing projects together.
So definitely individual – and if you seek advice remember that you mostly know what they will say by who you are asking, so intuitively we know the answer already and perhaps are just looking for validation.
So go within and trust yourself (and if you are blessed enough to have trust in God – seek him and the answers will be there).
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 5 Bringing It All Together With Mindset =-.
Yes, Wendy is right. I for one think you all should get married in your 50′s. My grandma just got hitched at 80 and she is happier than she’s ever been. And her wife doesnt even mind that she has to visit her once a week in prison.
.-= Brettandthecity´s last blog ..Nightmare On Dean Street: My Homeless Hooker Story =-.
Brett, you are…strange, but I am intrigued. I will be reading your blog to see if it will make me laugh.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Is Wendy Williams Right About Marriage? =-.
Kaneisha, I feel just like you. I don’t want to rush into marriage, but I also don’t want to wait too late to have children. On another note, my bigger concern is putting off starting a family in order to build a career. I hear so many horror stories about women who never found the time (or a man because they didn’t have the time to date and marry) to start a family. I’d say for those who have a choice, choose your priorities wisely because something has to give. For those who are still single, Mr. Right will come!
I’m married and have been for nearly 14 years. It hasn’t been easy but we’re having a blast figuring it all out. Yes, I do get tired but new millennium women try to do sooo much more then our mothers, grandmothers and aunts ever dared to.
I married at 26 and by then I had been around the world and was done with the initial part of my education. I had always wanted to be an attorney but that changed when I met my husband and I’m glad it did. I like decided if I’m working late or not. I really enjoy going home and making my husband the test dummy for my new recipes and chasing my son around the house with his socks I found in my bed, under the sheets.
We were together 8 years before having our son and it gave us time to learn each other. We’re both in our 40′s now and our son is probably blessed because of it. We know how to be parents and are willing to put in the WORK to have a balanced family life. By balanced I mean, we love God, our selves, each other and then our son. (NOTE THE ORDER) The time before our son was born allowed us to learn each other and grow together. You can lose yourself in the hectic lives we live today. Women have so evolved that we could never be compared to our grandmothers or even our mothers in most cases. I find myself looking at my momma and asking “how in the world did you do this with a husband and 3 kids?” I only have one and my days all run together.
I would tell any woman in her 20′s to learn herself first. Know what you want, what you like and how you feel about things. Be able to handle you with or w/o drama. Read the Wall Street Journal, Time Magazine, Jet, Ebony, Essence and your local paper every chance you get. Know who your favorite author is and definately see as much of the world as you can, by yourself. Take time to learn what God put YOU here to do. I’m a witness that while your taking it all in, God will send just who you need, when you need him. Please take the time to open the package (get to know him, regardless of the wrapping), the best gifts come in wrapping we’re not expecting. (hint, hint!)
Don’t get so swamped in making a career that you miss the turn God wants you to make. If you don’t have a relationship with God, get one and let Him give you Mr. Right. You can’t miss. Do enjoy your life single but don’t give SOOO much of yourself to a man who isn’t going to make a SURE investment in you. Buy a journal and write it all down, looking back at what you used to do is a blast. Finally, love you and any man will be happy to.
Val! That was so wonderful and inspiring! You’ve given me a great action plan…starting NOW! Thanks so much for reading and sharing that great advice!
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..Is Wendy Williams Right About Marriage? =-.
@Val GOOD STUFF GIRL I AGREE 100
I think a lot of the stories we hear about women “waiting too long” and then “finding it was too late” are a result of twisted statistics that make good media stories (but aren’t all that accurate). I’m reading a book right now that posits this called Selling Anxiety…check it out.
I grew up in Oklahoma and went to college in Texas, where if you didn’t have an engagement “candlelighting” ceremony by the time you graduated at 22, you were some kind of freak. Needless to say I am now on my 5th proposal, my 3rd engagement…and working on my second marriage (at 29). I have a list of divorced Texans in their 20′s on my best-girlfriend speed dial.
Look, you’re a grown woman. You don’t let peer pressure dictate if you smoke cigarettes or even what you wear anymore, so why the hell would you let “what everyone else is doing” influence one of the biggest decisions of your life? And yes, Kaneisha, there is something majorly to be said for relishing the years that you can bring home as many shoe boxes and watch as much bad VH1 reality TV as you want without some dude there to roll his eyes at you (or worse). You have a rare gift if you have been granted the insight to know what you’ve got before it’s gone – don’t waste that!
The bottom line is that I agree with Wendy. I would ask you to wish me luck “this time” but I am currently attempting to ban that phrase from my vocabulary…
-Diamond Collector Michelle
I happen to have gotten married at 22. I am 31 now and have had a roller coaster of a life. We are still married. We have gained so much knowledge and experiences. So much so that I could not have learned them but from this situation. Although I do not regret the decision that I made I would NOT suggest to my 20 year old niece to get married anytime soon. Their is so much that one must forfeit in order to have a healthy marriage. While maintaining self integrity… Whew its a delicate balance between sublime bliss and insanity. I will for the first time say that Wendy Williams is right! Outside of parenting marriage is the GREATEST sacrifice that one can make. You must be totally selfless its no longer about you but it is about the two of you as one. To all my sistahs/brothas in their twenties, BUILD your empire NOW with yourself as the brand. You are invluable and will be more appreciated by yourself and others when you fulfill the things that were put inside of you to do.
Wendy Williams is NOT married! Never take advice from a 4o something year old blond Lacefront loving LESBIAN Black woman. Are ya’ll serious??? LMBAO!
Hey Nita,
I run this place. There will be no hating on of 40 year olds, weave-wearers, or lesbians. Thanks for reading. Just be nice.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..A Spoonful of Sugar =-.
Also – Wendy Williams IS married to Kevin Hunter, Sr. (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wendy_Williams_%28media_personality%29) Get ya facts straight, missy!
Thanks for that Kaneisha. I am only 27, wear locs and I’m not a lesbian, but I do love women, at least most of us. Miss Wendy is fierce! Let her be her. I’m do me, as the teens and rappers say. The having your own place thing is a must before you marry. So is making a decent income and hopefully, at least a little savings, too. I strongly believe
I am getting married in September, I’ll be 28, and we’ve dated for two years. Sometimes I wish he came along a little later, because I was just starting to make a decent income and really have fun, but such is life. We are lucky to have met and he gets me and encourages me to be me. I don’t toss around that strong black woman stuff because I see it as a trap, but I am pretty fierce
I don’t do a lot of male ego-stroking in my relationship. I never have to be less, so he can feel like more. Before we met, I lived alone and the ‘sitting in your bra and panties’ thing, in your own big-girl apt., maybe with some wine or a beer, is a great feeling.
He is a young 31, and neither of us want kids for a while, because even though we both finished grad school, we do not make enough to really raise a kid the way we’d like to (private school (me), lessons in something (him). We want to travel, have fun, and spend our money on us, not diapers and formula. I want to get into a doctoral program, too.
Many, many women have kids in their 30s and it is hard work. Don’t let fear of being childless trick you into settling down too early. Don’t get lost in someone else’s ‘potential’ , instead develop your own. Also, I noticed that with black women, someone is usually trying to get us to give up our freedom in exchange for the cruddy life they have. Haters. Hard for college-educated black women to find a man, they say. Get married, they say. You want to go to grad school? they say. Don’t you know your eggs are dying, they say? Ignore them please, or at least take a long hard look at their before you even consider their advice.
Valerie from another Valerie, Brilliant. I couldnt have put it myself.
You need God and you need plan and goals. Also the world is full of plenty men, God knows each and every one and when you are ready, God will send the right one for you. You just have to know God and know yourself.
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