Helena Andrews is 29, fabulous, and lonely. Her soon-to-be-published book will be made into a movie of the same name, Bitch is the New Black, and will chronicle her struggles to find lasting love as a professional Black woman in DC.
Read the Washington Post article “Successful, Black and Lonely” here profiling Helena Andrews.
While I’m sure the book and movie will be entertaining and thought-provoking, I’m not sure how many single, fabulous Black women will be any closer to banishing loneliness after experiencing Bitch is the New Black.
I want us to talk about why so many fabulous Black women are lonely and then do something about it.
The following points are my opinions. Nor am I talking about all Black women. If what I’m saying doesn’t apply to you, feel free to stop reading at any time. But I think that many fabulous Black women (and fabulous women of all backgrounds for that matter) will recognize ourselves and our friends in these points—and then maybe we can have a conversation about what we can do about it.
Why So Many Fabulous Black Women are Lonely
We are still holding out for the Perfect Black Man (aka Barack Obama). Jenée Desmond Harris already wrote a great article about this, but it must be said again. We have to be more open-minded when it comes to dating. I don’t mean that you have to date an ex-convict with three Baby Mamas. But sometimes you may earn more money than the man you are dating, or live in a fancier home, or be merely an inch shorter than him (or gasp, maybe even an inch taller). Give the guy a chance!
We allow men to play us. By this, I mean some of us allow ourselves to get caught up in “secret relationships”, date men without a real title for months and months, and take men back after they’ve cheated on us (again). Yes, he may be fine, but he isn’t worth you giving up your dignity—or catching a disease.
We fear that a man will play us and are then too guarded. While some of us hang on to a no-good man for too long, others of us make each man who comes after that no-good man suffer for what the other guy did. We don’t trust him. We won’t let him in. We refuse to give him the chance of hurting us. And then we end up unscathed—but alone.
We spend too much time with other single women. Girlfriend time is great, but you also have to have some time where you are free and approachable. Why is that we dress up, look our best, and head out only to then surround ourselves with a fortress of women?
We work too many hours at jobs we do not love. When you’re drained from the demands of an unfulfilling job, you don’t have the same joie de vivre that those who are pursuing their dreams have. Even if your job gives you financial stability and prestige, these things don’t compare to the beautiful exuberance women who are overjoyed with their work exude.
We don’t smile enough. You know that annoying (often homeless) man on the street who says, “Smile, honey! You’re too pretty to be looking so unhappy!” He’s trying to tell you something. Men like women who are happy. Happy people smile.
We wear clothes that impress other women and not men. Men do not understand nor appreciate bubble hems, babydoll dresses, or flowing kimono-style tops. I’m not saying don’t wear them. I’m just saying that those are the cute things that make women stop and take a second look—not men. Men don’t care about brands either. They just want us to look pretty and put together.
We are angry at Black men. We can’t control what Black men do, who they date, or who they marry. They want to be happy just like we do, and they aren’t going to change their lives to make someone else happy if it means they will be less so. We should stop focusing so much on what Black men are and aren’t doing, and focus on what we can control—ourselves. I’m not saying that Black women are to blame for the decline of Black love (is it really declining—or is marriage just becoming unpopular all-around?). What I am saying is that too many of us are enlisted in a Gender War, and we are not going to win.
We are angry at White women. Same thing here. They aren’t “taking our men”. They’re living their lives just like everyone else.
We always seem bored by “nice guys”. Yes, a man does need to have a certain level of swagger to catch and maintain our interest, but we have to admit how often we overlook the nice guys. Give the nice guys a chance, ladies! Perhaps he’s saving all his swagger for private time. You’ll never know if you keep snubbing him.
We date online half-heartedly. We pay hundreds of dollars for online dating subscriptions, but then we don’t take the time to create an interesting profile or post outstanding pictures of ourselves. We create a profile and let it just sit there for months. I’m a big fan of online dating, and will be coming out with the CrazyGirl Guide to Online Dating very soon so that people can start getting their money’s worth!
We spend too much time buried in technology. Your Blackberry may keep your life organized, but it’s not going to hold you at night. If we gave our fellow humans as much attention as we gave our phones, we’d all be a lot less lonely.
We won’t get our hair wet. We miss out on a lot of fun stuff because of our notoriously untouchable hair. Not being able to get our hair wet means we can’t go for an impromptu dip in the ocean with our man. We can’t stand kissing in the rain. We can’t take a naughty shower after hot, sweaty sex (where he also could not touch our hair). Now, I’m not trying to be one of those natural-haired holier-than-thou women, but we have got to figure out a better system, because life is about getting wet sometimes.
We argue too much and hold grudges. I’m a Scorpio, so it’s in my nature to hold grudges. However, sometimes it’s more important to be happy than to be right. I’m not talking about compromising your morals. I just mean that sometimes we need to just let things go.
We believe what the news tells us about our wretched fate of being alone forever. Every year there is a new research study that tells educated Black women that we will be alone forever. I’m starting to think that the educated and married Black woman is more elusive than the Loch Ness Monster. No matter how much we talk about it, analyzing why we are single is not going to change the fact that we are. In fact, in the time you spent reading this blog post, you could have looked up something fun to do tonight. Prince Charming might already be there waiting for you.
None of these ideas are original. If anything, they are merely a cobbling together of what our guy friends have been telling us for years. I just felt that I had to share my thoughts about this in light of all the recent conversations around Ms. Andrews’ book. I know we can find a way to be beautiful, successful, independent, happy, and in a loving relationship all at the same time. Ladies, what say you?
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Gosh…Would it not be so refreshing to hear what’s good about us? I mean…WOW! BW are constantly hearing about what’s wrong with us.
I really don’t think any one knows WHAT to write or say or even think what’s good and great and lovely and nice and just plain okay about us.
With each of these ‘why’ I thought of a counter reaction. And I’, no cookie cut out of a BW either! Very liberal and grassroots and eclectic. Natural hair and extensive vocabulary and all!
We’ve done so much for BM and WW and still are. And no ever says thank you or show their appreciation or regal us. We have to do it ourselves.
There’s a reason, a subliminal reason, why all of the recent Hollywood movies depict BW as victims and down trodden. I hate it too. But, I shrug!
The reasons why so many fabulous BW are lonely is because we don’t love ourselves and each other enough. Believe me-BM and WW know their worth!
I
@Violet: It would be refreshing to hear what’s great about us! However, I also think it’s important to recognize how we might be sabotaging ourselves. Speaking the truth about how we might be undermining our own goals is the first step in actually achieving them.
I’m single, and I know my worth! Sometimes I actually think thats part of the reason WHY I’m single.
This problem could only exist for women in Los Angeles though.
@Francesca: Why is it especially a problem for women in LA? I think Black women in every city have trouble dating! What do you think is special about LA that keeps Black women single?
So,Ms Thing, what, pray tell, is your suggested solution in 5 bullet points or less?
@HMC: Great idea! Here it goes:
1) Give your online dating profile a makeover. Get your hair done, put on some beautiful clothes, and snap some va-voom pictures of yourself. Put them on your profile along with enough information about yourself for guys to have something to ask more about. Answer any emails you get within 3 days of getting them.
2) Put out a welcoming energy to non-Black guys–and be willing to date them.
3) Spend less time at women-only events and go out “on the town” more. It doesn’t have to be a club, but at least somewhere where there are some single men. Try the gym.
4) Never talk bad about Black men or White men in generalities. You’ll reinforce your own angry singleness.
5) Wear pretty dresses and put on makeup. Show us that fabulous figure, HMC!
Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha, Though the statistics and “reality” of our situation make me sad, I like that you’ve focused on solutions rather than adding wood to the fire. In recent weeks, I’ve taken several of your recommendations to heart. My sister and friends have also encouraged me to look more approachable and be more vulnerable. I’ve recently made a conscious effort to smile more, make eye contact, de-tangle myself from my girlfriend fortress (via solo bathroom breaks) and just in general be more open to men who look and “feel” different than what my ideal match looks and feels in my head. I even joined Match. com – though I honestly haven’t really made good use of it and loathe to log on. I think you’ve provided some helpful advise, though the situation does seem daunting.
That being said, I was disappointed that the Washington Post article completely reinforced the stereotype of black women being angry and mean. I came away thinking that Andrews deserved to be by herself instead of confused as to why she black men weren’t jousting to be with her. It’s sad that instead of focusing on finding ways to re-brand our image, Andrews’ attitude makes her circumstance well-deserved – and by extension ours as well. At the end, readers might come away thinking that BW, though strong and successful are just angry b!tch@s that deserve to be by themselves.
Lets continue to be hopeful AND do our part to make sure that people experience us as multifaceted individuals worth loving.
@Vicki: Well said! I’m so excited to hear that some of the advice has been helpful to you. After a few times of practice, the things you mentioned (e.g. breaking away from the fortress) feel completely natural. Please do share your success stories–even if they seem small to you. They will motivate other readers to try some of the advice! And you aren’t alone in thinking that Helena is doing herself a disservice by the way she’s portraying herself and other BW. Though I’m a dating blogger who talks all about my Dating Dummy days, I think it’s quite dangerous to one’s relationship prospects to build a personal brand around how hard it is to get a man. I also regret that the book and movie are now taking the word bitch back to its negative connotations–rather than the empowering connotation it has in my favorite dating book “Why Men Love Bitches”. The great thing about men is that they don’t take any of ouf “chick flicks” seriously–the happy ones or the not-so-happy ones–so I doubt that hordes of men will a) go see the movie and b) leave thinking that all BW are bitches. If a woman is irresistible, no movie–not even a blockbuster–is going to keep him from pursuing her. Thanks as always for reading, Vicki!
I really liked this post. As for myself, I don’t look approachable, don’t go out enough and don’t dress for men. I’m working on it though! Having an evening work schedule doesn’t help but like I said, I’m working on it….
Now I know the ‘type’ of woman that Andrews is, and they’re rampant here in DC. I’m not one of those fabulous, always perfectly coiffed and fashionably dressed, must always been seen types of women that live here. That being said, its a tough place to be single, and I have several non black girlfriends who are single too. Because there are so many accomplished people, we all tend to use our accomplishments as a shield for our insecurities. Thats what I feel like Helena does, from the WP article… like how she laughs that she has to roll down Cornrow’s window…. why would she go out with someone she would scoff at? I’m just sayin…
I wouldn’t say that Andrews is doing a disservice, b/c there are honestly black women here (and I assume every Big City USA) like her and her friends… we just need to hear more stories of women who aren’t like her – and who still happen to be single.
@Prosechild: You’re right! I would love to hear more (true) stories of professional Black women who have found true love and marriage–with a Black man or otherwise. Some of my closest friends at school serve as my example, and it makes me very happy to see them with their husbands and ask them 100 questions about their relationship!
I think profiles of HAPPY black women in healthy relationships with all kinds of men would be an awesome blog series Kaneisha. May be interesting and helpful to see the outlook of women who are fabulous and not single.
Kim: What a wonderful idea! There’s nothing like success stories to motivate and inspire people. I’m going to see what I can do about that. Thanks for reading!
According to the last U.S census black marriages are increasing and are at an all time high since 1970. We should feel positive about our prospects.
Statistics aside, I understand that dating is hard in large cities for everyone, not just black women. However, Helena makes me sad. She is hiding behind her accomplishments and not pushing the things that really matter to the forefront. Being successful doen not make up for being unpleasant and shallow.
Another fact, 50% of the entire population of black men are in the south east united states and the other 50% is spread throughout the rest of the country. If you want a black man, move to the south!
That’s what one of my guy friends from the South keeps telling us!
concur w/Vicki. Helena needs to get over herself. With that attitude she deserves to be alone. kzs
@Kwame: Let’s be more gentle with Helena. I think that what comes off as her “bad attitude” could also be understood as accumulated disappointments. If there was something that you felt you had worked really hard for and deserved but were denied, wouldn’t you complain loudly about it too? I do very much hope that she tries “something new,” but I know that you and I don’t exactly agree in that arena.