Despite the bleak statistics regarding Black women and marriage, many Black women still refuse to date non-Black men. Looking back on my own experience refusing to date non-Black guys for years (admittedly after a slew of white and Latino boyfriends), there are a plethora of reasons we tell ourselves for why we should hold out for our Black Prince Charmings. Now that I’m with my own Luscious Latin, I have to say that I am a BIG FAN of Black women stepping out to love whomever makes their heart sing.
I’ll share my top 20 list of reasons why I think so many Black women won’t date non-Black men (in the order they occurred to me).
- We’ll have to convince the guy that racism exists.
- The sex won’t be good.
- People will look at us crazy in public and judge us.
- He won’t understand Black Hair.
- We’ve accomplished so much and worked so hard. We deserve to be with a Black man.
- We’ll have to be politically correct around him.
- Our kids won’t look like us.
- His family won’t embrace us.
- Our family won’t embrace him.
- While we’re dating the non-Black guy, we’ll miss out on our Black Prince Charming.
- We don’t want to be someone’s fetish or experiment.
- He won’t be able to dance.
- He won’t be comfortable eating our food.
- He’ll date us but he won’t marry us.
- He doesn’t share our religious background.
- He won’t share our humor.
- We won’t be able to bring him around our friends.
- He’ll go bald and look weird.
- He’ll embarrass us in front of Black people.
- He’ll prove to us that our notions of the perfect coupledom are a fallacy.
CrazyGirls, why do you think so many Black women refuse to date non-Black men? And what advice do you have for our single Black sisters who are considering it?
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Wow you had me rolling. I was literally about to fall out of my chair laughing. You are too much. What’s the saying? “you go left, cuz you ain’t right”
Over on my blog I’m arguing with Black women who do nothing but dog Black men out. But then the statistics show Black women being 70% single. And, as I argue with them to “man up” and own up to why they dog Black men and push them away, they are steadily denying it. So they did a survey and asked Black men. Guess what? Black men said the same thing.
I am glad a Black woman has put it out there that dating a Black man is… OK; is … good. It seems like it’s open season on Black men to be dogged by everyone including Black women.
@Why Black Men: Thanks for reading and for commenting, but…I didn’t actually understand if you agreed with the post or are mocking it. Either way – at least we’re having a conversation (I think).
If black women dated outside their race, then that would mean the all the free stuff they do in the community would be stopped (giving money to the church, watching other’s children, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and we all know that can’t happen. It’s all a game. I mean think about it…black men have NO PROBLEM dating outside their race, but for some reason black women can’t? That’s because black women do THE MAJORITY in the community…if they started actually having LIVES and dating outside their race, then all those resources would dry up. Black women you seriously need to wake up…it’s a scam…get out while you can and start LIVING!
@T: I never thought of it that way… I definitely wouldn’t say that Black women do everything in the Black community. I think in general many Black women need to abandon giving away too much of their time and energy to people and pursuits that don’t reciprocate. Thanks for reading and commenting!
@ First poster
Did you even read the post? She’s not talking about dating black men.
@Kaniesha
In general terms black women do the majority in the community. Again, if that resource dries up…who will pick up the slack? That’s why it’s being put on black women’s shoulders to keep hope alive and wait for that black man to turn himself around and come home. How long are these women willing to wait for something that “might” happen. Please. Find yourself a good man regardless of race. Black women are too busy waiting on “permission” to live…as life passes them by. And really this might be bigger than interracial dating, but I do think that’s a part of it.
Sorry for misspelling your name wrong earlier. I can’t stand that when people do that to me, so I apologize.
Look at these blogs when you have the time. I think you will find the information interesting and you will see where I’m coming from with my comments.
http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/
http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com/
http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/
http://www.dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/
As a crazy girl that has dated outside of her race all of her life, I can say that black women are really missing out. Trust me, that cute white boy who is winking at you should be pursued, because he might turn out to be the love of your life. Dating people totally unlike you is fun, they bring new perspective and ideas and make everyday interesting and fun. If you feel that people are going to judge you, do what I do, say “Fuck em, I’m creating my OWN happiness, and you’re just jealous”
Hi Kaneisha!
Thanks for tackling this one! As you’ve pointed out, there are many “notions” that keep black women focused on finding a “black man” rather than simply finding a “good man”. In fact, I’ve written a book about them, called “Don’t Bring Home A White Boy and Other Notions That Keep Black Women from Dating Out” that will be available early next year. Here’s the book trailer :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtQPFVFUezI
The fact is that black women are in “market failure” on the relationship front. We outnumber black men by substantial margins when you adjust for age and income (in some cities, experts estimate the ration to be 6:1. When something is too plentiful, it’s usually undervalued…unless a new market is found. Expanding our willingness to date interracially is the equivalent to opening a new market, so to speak!
But for some women, there’s some mental “dismantling” that has to happen first– and it’s the same ideas you’ve listed in your top 20 reasons that have to be addressed– along with the fear of “bashing the black man.”
Good post– I’m a new fan!
k.
@Karyn: Thank you! I can’t wait to read your book–and give away some copies to my CrazyGirls!
Amen Viv! AMEN!!!!
I’ve talked to my friends about having open dating preferences, and from what I’ve observed its that they either don’t want to disappoint their friends and family (I.e. the “don’t bring home a white boy” phenomenon that Karyn wrote about) or they travel in segregated social circles and hold themselves apart from nonblack people. So their interactions with nonblack men are viewed from the lens of the ‘other’ – they find some kind of racial disparity in every situation.
My past hesitation was that I didn’t know that nonblack men found black women attractive! The blogs that T posted helped to change my perspective, as well as Youtube videos and being aware of the men around me – and seeing firsthand that men of other races find me attractive
@Prosechild: Girl, they sure do! So many Black women are STUNNING–and don’t kid yourself thinking that the men don’t notice you. Like you said in a different comment about being more present, that’s exactly what you need to do. Open your eyes and see all the men around you, wondering why you are so clueless! I can’t wait to hear about your date with Something New!
have you stopped to wonder *why* there is a shortage of black men?!
our government is at war with its black citizens. the US govt. has been targeting black men for removal from the black family for several centuries …
you can’t fix the problem without first dealing forthrightly and comprehensively with how we got to this point. briefly, the historical weight of variegated and relentless acts, aimed at the emasculation of enslaved african men. the acts ranged from lynchings and belligerent attacks on black communities, to vagrancy laws and a burgeoning prison industrial complex, to assassinations of black political leaders and the invention of the black street gangs, to CIA supported covert funneling of cocaine into black communities, to racist welfare laws and so on.
black women were also targeted, but typically the white attack on black women was focused specifically on her reproductive capacity (rape). also, the attack on black women was distinctive in that although black womanhood was often grossly distorted, the black woman was RARELY REMOVED FROM THE HOME. again, to reiterate , the “weight” of this history has lead to a dearth of black men in the black community. the absent black men are typically denigrated by Obama and most everyone else as “irresponsible”–a total disregard for the actual history. we are mostly ignorant of this history because we are (mis) educated in institutions that promote white supremacy and the compliance of all non-white people…
we only compound the problem by dating the very people who are responsible for the current predicament that we find ourselves in. that said, the vast majority of black people still marry black people so lets stop perpetuating the myth that finding a black mate is impossible. if you are committed to finding a black mate in spite of this wretched system, you will find one. kzs
Typical response, Kwame, typical! Ladies don’t listen to him…you will set yourself up for another 5,10 years of lonliness looking for this one brother to come and sweep you off your feet. You better grab that quality man next to you, be he white, brown, green or poka dot and make yourself a happy home. These black men out aren’t thinking about you like you think. Make YOURSELF happy first. Don’t worry about what your friends say…you aren’t living for them. And you aren’t living for your parents either. I say make yourself happy first!
@T: I wholeheartedly agree. It’s so important that we have open hearts and open minds and embrace love as it comes rather than as we think it should come. I hope that you have found your true love–or that you will find it soon! Thanks for reading!
21. Some women are more comfortable with unhappiness than stepping outside of a comfort zone.
If the black Prince Charming hasn’t appeared, but there is interest from men who are not black — what’s the harm in a date? One date shouldn’t hurt.
@Tallulahbankhead: That’s right! Go on that one date! You never know… It could turn into a lifetime of happiness!
and a date may turn into a relationship that then turns into an engagement that then turns into a marriage and a lot of happiness and then turn into two beautiful children. go figure.
Black? Are you referring to African American, Haitian, Jamacan, Nigerian, Egyptian, Middle Eastern, Indian or other black.
But, the premise that “Black” women don’t date men of other racial and ethnic backgrounds is simply not true. Black women date white men and men of other ethnic and racial backgrounds at rates far higher than they prefer to talk about. The “black” man has become such an easy “blaming target” in our culture.
We’ve really got to get beyond stereotyping ourselves!
Keep an open heart and open mind when it comes to real “agape” love.
Woody! I completely agree! Have you read this post I wrote titled “Open Heart, Open Mind, Happy Life”? http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/06/open-heart-open-mind-happy-life/