You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You have a Masters degree (or two). You have flat abs and white teeth. You volunteer. You play volleyball—and flag football! You own a car and have your own house. You’ve travelled around the world. You floss every day. Your panties and bras match. Why then are you still single?!

I’ll tell you why.

You want to be single. Being single is not an affliction that people must be cured of. Lots of men and women enjoy the freedom of not being in a dyad. Maybe you just got out of an intense relationship. Maybe you are working on your own inner spiritual development. If you choose to be single, and you don’t care about finding a man right now, this article is not for you. This article is for those women out there wringing their hands in frustration, wondering why they just aren’t finding that special someone.

You don’t go on dates. Some women have boyfriends and never had to really “date” them. They met once, became friends, and then one day woke up in a relationship. It doesn’t happen like that for most people. You have to be out there in the dating pool, meeting people, ladies!  You are not too “normal” or too “good” for Match.com or speed dating. Join the rest of the world and go on a date!

You believe that all the good men are taken, gay, or bastards. This is not true! And by repeating this mantra to yourself, to other people, or even just thinking it, you are manifesting this in your life! Withdraw your troops from the Gender War.  You certainly should avoid dating men who are taken, gay, or bastards, but not all men are.

You aren’t happy. People enjoy being around happy people. If you are constantly stressed out, complaining, bored, or tired, you can bet that your withering energy can be felt right through your cashmere sweater. A man who senses an unhappy woman will run in the other direction (often after sleeping with you).

You sleep with men too early or get clingy after you have slept with a guy. Sleeping with a guy you really like very early in the relationship will often dampen his interest in you. However, it doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship. If you stay composed and “normal” after sleeping with a guy, he will be less likely to be scared away by you trying to “trap him”. Many of you may say, “Well, good riddance to him if he runs!” The thing is that lots of men will pursue a woman until he can sleep with her and then his interest will suddenly drop off, because she no longer presents a challenge to him. However, staying composed, calm, and normal after you have slept with a  man will put him right back into pursuer mode. Thanks to Sherry Argov for teaching me this one!

You try too hard. Asking men out, throwing yourself at men, staring men down at parties like a hungry wolf, or constantly showing the world your girls like a pair of hot sticky pork buns on display at dim sum are all signs of trying too hard. Men like to chase. Let them chase.

You don’t try hard enough. If you’ve ever said this:

“I should be able to dress however I want and get a man! If he doesn’t like the way I dress, forget him! I don’t want to date anyone that materialistic and shallow anyway,”

You are in denial.

Men are visual creatures. They buy with their eyes first and foremost—and then see if they want to get to know you better. You do not have to be a knock-out to catch a man’s attention. Just wear clothes in eye-catching colors that flatter your body—the size that it is now and not what you wish it was. Carry yourself with poise and confidence. Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Shave your legs. Get your eyebrows done, and your upper lip waxed. Just like it’s nice when men have muscular, toned arms (one of my favorite things in a guy), men appreciate women who put effort into their appearance as well.

You spend too much time alone or with other women. Alone time is essential to rejuvenation, reflection, and recentering. Girl friend time is also necessary for bonding, sharing, and just plain fun. However, if all your free time is spent alone or with other women, how do you ever expect to meet a man? Even if you are out at a club, if you’re surrounded by a pack of women, when is a guy supposed to have the chance to approach you? An easy fix to this particular problem is to separate from the group every 40 minutes to go to the bar and buy yourself a drink. The 5 minutes of alone time is enough for a man who has spotted you to move in for the pounce if he wants to. You should also practice going to the ladies room alone. How fun would it be to emerge from the ladies room refreshed and ready to keep dancing to be greeted by a guy that saw you confidently saunter in there by yourself and waited for you to come out so he could ask you out? Now, once you are steadily dating someone, it is essential to maintain your alone time and girl friend time so that you carry on having your own life instead of letting your life come to a screeching halt as soon as you enter a relationship. Men like women who have their own lives.

You refuse to date outside of your “type”. Many of us have what we consider our “type” and refuse to date outside of that. Whether you only date Black men, or only date men who are in perfect shape with all their hair, or only date men who like art as much as you do, you are limiting yourself. Many times, the person we end up falling in love with was “not our type.” I completely overlooked Mr. C because I was intent on dating a Black man, and now I just adore him. I would have missed out on our relationship if I had refused to entertain the idea of dating him since he wasn’t my “type”.

So these are just some of my thoughts on why you are still single. Crazy Girls, why do you think you are still single?

Related posts:

1. No More Crying on the Inside
2. Long Distance Relationships That Last

Tagged as: dating, relationships, singlehood