I have dated gay men. Obviously, I didn’t know they were gay at the time. I eventually found out because they told me—or someone who had the inside scoop did. However, in retrospect, there were some tell-tale signs that I ignored.
Your Guy Might be Gay if…
You think he is gay. With every gay guy I dated, the thought crossed my mind at least once whether he might be gay. If your instincts are whispering in your ear, “Honey, that man is gay…” you might want to listen. I have often asked men I’m dating straight out if they have ever had sexual experiences with other men so that I can understand clearly where they are coming from—because some men will have sexual interactions with other men and consider themselves to not be “gay”. I don’t care how liberal or open-minded I’m supposed to be after going to a liberal arts college, I do not want to date a man who has sex with men. We can be best friends, but we will not date.
Other men (gay or not) think he is gay. I used to think my straight guy friends were just being homophobic when they would call my boyfriend gay. “You think every guy who isn’t raging with testosterone like you are is gay!” I would yell at one particularly outspoken friend. Well, I was wrong and he was right. And if your gay guy friends think your boyfriend is gay, listen to them.
Your friends or family think he is gay. At first thought, it seems great when your friends have no romantic or sexual interest in your boyfriend whatsoever. However, it’s kind of a downer if your friends have no interest in your man because they think he is gay. It’s very hard to tell your girl friend that you think her boyfriend is gay, but every so often, one of your girl friends will sit down with you and timidly tell you that she thinks your boyfriend is gay. I have already told all my closest girl friends to please please please say something if they think my boyfriend is gay. Don’t spare my feelings in the short-term, because they will surely get hurt in the long term if my boyfriend is gay!
He can’t or doesn’t want to have sex with you. Men like sex. (And we Crazy Girls really do!) Even super-religious men who are waiting until they get married want to have sex. If your man seems like he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he is probably gay. If he constantly loses his erection when it’s sexy time, and none of those nifty pharmaceuticals helps him either, then he is probably not aroused. His penis is cowering at the thought of your vagina. He is gay.
Now, I know that you may have been hoping that I was going to give you a laundry list of “gay boyfriend” behaviors to check against, but that’s not how it works. Your instincts, the impressions of other people, and his penis will tell you if he is gay or not. The key is to listen closely to your inner voice rather than reactively rationalizing away your suspicions about his being gay.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
what if i have a hard on around her, i am attracted, to her, but cant stick it in? i can never stick it in. never have. am i gay? i do like to wear tight little shorts around other guys i may be working with.
Hi Jake,
Hmm… I actually don’t know how to help someone know if he himself is gay. I suggest checking out the site Scarleteen. It has excellent resources for learning about, discussing, and getting your questions about sexuality answered: http://www.scarleteen.com/
Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha
I dated a Christian man for a year who seemed did not want to have sex. But I think it was something else. We attend the same church. Additionally, there’s something I think may be a reason, but I can’t put my finger on it! ?
Hey i am dating guy. Evert woman,s dream. Sweet, compassionate, treats me with the greatest respect and support me a lot in my work.
However, he is super sensitive, can easily cry, soft spoken and have erection problems.
U think he is gay?
i cannot kiss girls. my first kiss was friend. he was male.
Being shy and monogamous around women reflected poorly in my first impressions with family and friends of my ex girlfriend. I lost a really great girl because she thought I was gay. There were no problems with erections, or my desire to have sex with her. More of what others impressions made on her reflected her opinion about me. So please, if you any doubts, be straight forward and ask. Don’t dump someone on suspicions alone, or what family and friends say. I still miss the best 3 months of my dating life that were with her; and to this day after 3 months apart, I still think of her while I’m currently dating other women. Even nights lying next to a woman at 3am after sex, I’m up at my patio smoking a cigarette wondering how she’s doing.
How sad. She must have let you explain. How did you know that her family and friends thought that you were a gay?