I have dated gay men. Obviously, I didn’t know they were gay at the time. I eventually found out because they told me—or someone who had the inside scoop did. However, in retrospect, there were some tell-tale signs that I ignored.
Your Guy Might be Gay if…
You think he is gay. With every gay guy I dated, the thought crossed my mind at least once whether he might be gay. If your instincts are whispering in your ear, “Honey, that man is gay…” you might want to listen. I have often asked men I’m dating straight out if they have ever had sexual experiences with other men so that I can understand clearly where they are coming from—because some men will have sexual interactions with other men and consider themselves to not be “gay”. I don’t care how liberal or open-minded I’m supposed to be after going to a liberal arts college, I do not want to date a man who has sex with men. We can be best friends, but we will not date.
Other men (gay or not) think he is gay. I used to think my straight guy friends were just being homophobic when they would call my boyfriend gay. “You think every guy who isn’t raging with testosterone like you are is gay!” I would yell at one particularly outspoken friend. Well, I was wrong and he was right. And if your gay guy friends think your boyfriend is gay, listen to them.
Your friends or family think he is gay. At first thought, it seems great when your friends have no romantic or sexual interest in your boyfriend whatsoever. However, it’s kind of a downer if your friends have no interest in your man because they think he is gay. It’s very hard to tell your girl friend that you think her boyfriend is gay, but every so often, one of your girl friends will sit down with you and timidly tell you that she thinks your boyfriend is gay. I have already told all my closest girl friends to please please please say something if they think my boyfriend is gay. Don’t spare my feelings in the short-term, because they will surely get hurt in the long term if my boyfriend is gay!
He can’t or doesn’t want to have sex with you. Men like sex. (And we Crazy Girls really do!) Even super-religious men who are waiting until they get married want to have sex. If your man seems like he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he is probably gay. If he constantly loses his erection when it’s sexy time, and none of those nifty pharmaceuticals helps him either, then he is probably not aroused. His penis is cowering at the thought of your vagina. He is gay.
Now, I know that you may have been hoping that I was going to give you a laundry list of “gay boyfriend” behaviors to check against, but that’s not how it works. Your instincts, the impressions of other people, and his penis will tell you if he is gay or not. The key is to listen closely to your inner voice rather than reactively rationalizing away your suspicions about his being gay.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
what if i have a hard on around her, i am attracted, to her, but cant stick it in? i can never stick it in. never have. am i gay? i do like to wear tight little shorts around other guys i may be working with.
Hi Jake,
Hmm… I actually don’t know how to help someone know if he himself is gay. I suggest checking out the site Scarleteen. It has excellent resources for learning about, discussing, and getting your questions about sexuality answered: http://www.scarleteen.com/
Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha
I dated a Christian man for a year who seemed did not want to have sex. But I think it was something else. We attend the same church. Additionally, there’s something I think may be a reason, but I can’t put my finger on it! ?
Hey i am dating guy. Evert woman,s dream. Sweet, compassionate, treats me with the greatest respect and support me a lot in my work.
However, he is super sensitive, can easily cry, soft spoken and have erection problems.
U think he is gay?
i cannot kiss girls. my first kiss was friend. he was male.
Being shy and monogamous around women reflected poorly in my first impressions with family and friends of my ex girlfriend. I lost a really great girl because she thought I was gay. There were no problems with erections, or my desire to have sex with her. More of what others impressions made on her reflected her opinion about me. So please, if you any doubts, be straight forward and ask. Don’t dump someone on suspicions alone, or what family and friends say. I still miss the best 3 months of my dating life that were with her; and to this day after 3 months apart, I still think of her while I’m currently dating other women. Even nights lying next to a woman at 3am after sex, I’m up at my patio smoking a cigarette wondering how she’s doing.
How sad. She must have let you explain. How did you know that her family and friends thought that you were a gay?
Ummmm this is stupid, oh so very stupid advice…..I just lost two mins of my life!!
My family’s first impression of my boyfriend and most first impressions by other people is that he appears gay. They say his “mannerisms” the way he walks and holds his hand out appears gay. However, he treats me great, he checks out other girls all the time, and is extremely flirtatious with girls. He does love sports and plays basketball. He loves designer brands though… We have been together for 2 years and he loves having sex. We used to have sex 2-3 times a day. Lately since he started work though he hasn’t been as interested in having sex and now its only about once every two weeks we have sex. He has no problems at all getting an erection. I feel as though he thinks he has a choice in being straight or gay. He tells me he wants to have a wife that will be a house wife like his mom. But I feel as if he wants the title “wife” as more as a job than a long life partner. He also likes having more friends that are girls than guys. HELP! Is there any chance he could be gay? It is very hard for me to think so, he means the world to me.
Samantha, it’s not really about “diagnosing” whether your boyfriend is gay or not. It’s more about having an internal compass about his sexual orientation (no pun intended). What I would be MORE concerned about is the idea that you two don’t seem to have a shared understanding of how a marriage should work. If your boyfriend is gay or if your boyfriend wants a housewife, you can’t marry him either way. It sounds like you two are more in need of a heart to heart about what you want out of your life rather than a “Are you gay?” talk, though that would probably be helpful as well. Sorry I can’t give you a direct answer, but with these kinds of things, it’s more about intuition. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
i love pussy but i like dick too. i dont like to label myself gay because of the demeaning stereotypes that come with it. my girlfriend is the sexiest, most caring chick i ever met in my life and she respects me for my decision in dating and having sex with women. but she knows i have had a past with men. i dont act gay, i play basketball, have a huge intrest in building engines and engineering, flirt with chicks. so my advice to the ladies out there is that some of us are actually, bisexual. i know u might say “there is no such thing”. well then u must not be bi, am i right. i get just as turned on by men as i do women. and also another thing, straight guys (many guys) have have a sexual encounter with another dude. may it be a fantasy thing, or its just curiosity, so dont label ur man just yet. trust me on this one. much love to the people out there.
Speak the truth man! It’s very possible to be bi, I’ll stare at an ass no matter what gender it is.
Hi there. Im very confused. I am 20 and my boyfirend 23 . He is a very well dressed groomed guy. All my friends (straight) tell me he’s gay. We have been together for 1 and half year , and i love him but he says he does not love me and he’s incapable. although he does say he see’s himself with me. We do have sex sometimes but he never wants too EVER! I will get naked or try to touch him and he pushes me away. I dont find this normal at our age, everyone i have spoken too agrees that we should be all over each other. Also , when we are out at the bar or club he has been hit on by other men.. He seems to have no intrest in them (thank god) but do the gay guys see something i dont? Im so confused and annoyed really.. Our relationship is great but not in the sex aspect and to be honest that is a very important part of the relationship for me. Does my boyfriend not wanting to have sex with me very often make him gay? Please help!
Hi, i am also concerned that my boyfriend is gay… Although we have a great romantic and passionate relationship, I just can’t help the feeling that he’s gay… He’s very sensitive, 90% of his friends are gay and they don’t ever want to talk to me or I think even likes me, he takes longer than me when he goes to the bathroom, he takes longer than me to get ready to g0 out and he doesn’t always take the chance when he can have sex with me, but when he does, he enjoys it? He says he thinks i’m the first girl he ever loved, but he and his girlfriend dated 3 years before us, which indicates that maybe he was gay before me or what? It’s very confusing and I did once tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t admit it?