Sometimes, I’ll follow dating advice with my actions but not with my thoughts. For example, I like the advice in The Rules that advises women against pursuing men by calling them. If it has been a day or two since I’ve heard from my special guy, instead of going about my life, writing, doing my homework, taking a bubble bath, or cleaning my room, I spend hours being worried and anxious about why he isn’t calling. My favorite person to torture with my anxiety is my always understanding Grandma: “Grandma, where is he and what is he doing?! Why isn’t he calling me?!” My Grandma always giggles and then makes something up to satisfy the ravenous Worry Beast raging inside of me. I then hang up and do my best cease my worry-fest.
In this situation, I’m saying one thing with my actions:
“I’m a busy, happy woman with a full life!”
and saying another thing with my thoughts:
“I am not complete and fulfilled unless I am in a relationship, and this man’s attention has the power to determine my happiness”
This is no way to live, ladies!
We must be confident, ambitious, fulfilled women both in our actions and in our thoughts.
Belief happens on two levels—in our actions and in our thoughts. It is paramount that we make sure both our actions and thoughts are aligned if we want to draw positive changes into our lives.
The next time you find yourself doing one thing and thinking another (like going to the gym to stay fit and then mentally obsessing about how you “feel fat”), stop and observe the thought with zen-like calm. Don’t judge the thought as good or bad. It’s just a thought, and it occurred. Just because a thought has been planted in your mind like a seed, that does not mean you have to water it and make it grow.
No more being calm and collected on the outside but crying on the inside, ladies! Of course we are allowed to be sad, worried, or anxious from time to time. Feel the feeling. Don’t run away from it, or try to make it go away. But then, let the thought gently float away like a bubble. Eventually, it will burst and it will be like it never existed.
Let’s work toward being calm and collected in our actions—and in our thoughts.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I really love the exercise about not judging your thoughts as good or bad. We practice this in yoga, when we’re in a difficult pose. The instructor asks us to step outsider ourselves to “observe” as an outsider how exactly how we’re reacting to difficulty and not to make ourselves feel bad when we’re thinking “oh, this is hard, I can’t wait until it’s over.” As you said, we’re just not supposed to DWELL on the thought. But we should accept it as just another part of us, and move on! Just being conscious of it, I think, sometimes allows our SUBconscious to deal with it and make it go away!
An example: Yesterday I was feeling so uneasy, like I had a queasy feeling in my gut. And I was so proud that I didn’t let it grow. I didn’t allow myself to feel anxiety about having anxiety! So I continued through my day, aware of this feeling, without freaking out or constructing crazy ideas about how my gut was telling me the world is coming to an end or something. Then when I talked to my boyfriend later, I calmly explained my feeling, and then “presto!” I figured out what it was (it had nothing to do with him, actually it was all about me feeling over-comitted and tired), he helped me figure out a solution and I had the BEST sleep I’ve had in a whole week!
You’re soooo right. Its really easy to say “this is what I want and how I’m gonna get it” but then undermine our actions by thinking opposing thoughts. Another thing that helps is constant positive self-talk to combat that crazy, worry-laden part of our brain. And not judging our negative thoughts is paramount – you hit the nail with that one.