For those of you who may not remember, my boyfriend Mr. C told me that he didn’t know what he wanted, and we broke up. I have broken my vow of privacy to update my readers on what happened, because when I’m struggling with a dating dilemma, I am always so inspired by a story of success. For all you women out there wondering what to do when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, I must tell you that you absolutely must let him go without arguing, protesting, or begging. You know why? Because the ones who really love you will come back. Just like Mr. C did.
So for those of you out there wondering how to get your ex back, here is some advice from my own experience:
- Let him go—for real. The scary and painful thing about letting someone go is that you really don’t know if that is the absolute last time you will ever see him again. That’s exactly how I felt when I dropped Mr. C off at the airport. I truly believed it could be the last time I ever saw him again. But I knew that I had to let him go if I wanted to truly move on.
- Act like you’ll never see him again. Since I was truly resolved to let him go, I acted like I would never see him again. Now, I don’t mean go pasting the sexy pictures the two of you took together on the internet (by the way, Mr. C and I don’t have any of those). Nor do I mean go telling all your girlfriends about all his faults and secrets. What I mean is to mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to—and then move on with your life. And by moving on, I mean…
- Date other people. Now, Mr. C wasn’t gone long enough for me to go on a real date with someone, but I didn’t hesitate to reactive my Match.com profile after we broke up. I knew that the only way I was going to get over him was by meeting someone new. And, ladies, there are lots of great single guys on Match. Get them before someone else does! By dating other people, you turn your energy away from the loss of the relationship and onto the excitement of a new adventure of meeting new people. Make sure you don’t jump right into another relationship after your break-up. Enjoy dating several people at once before you settle on one guy. You deserve the ability to see how three men act over time before knighting one as your man. Contrary to what it may seem, this is also a great way to take things slow as you ease back into dating. By dating several people, you are less likely to fall head over heels for one of them too quickly.
- Cut off all contact. This is tied to all the earlier points. If the guy doesn’t know what he wants, give him some time to really think. Let him miss you. You’ll never know if the guy really loves you if you keep chasing him down and giving away all your goodies in exchange for no effort. If he comes back to you on his own, you know that he actually wants to be in the relationship.
Now, let’s say that you do all these things and he comes back to you and says that he wants to be together. Don’t go screaming YES!!!!!! just yet!
If your ex comes back to you and says he wants to be together:
- Don’t immediately say yes. I know that you’ve been missing him, and your heart was breaking at the thought of never seeing him again, but you must take some time to really think: Is this relationship really right for you? Do you trust that he will not change his mind and want out in a few weeks? By not immediately saying yes, you give yourself some time to think it through and you get to make him squirm a little. Don’t feel guilty about it. He certainly took his time deciding whether or not he wanted to be with you. You can take your time thinking it through too. I said yes to Mr. C after a day of thinking, but in retrospect, I think I should have taken a few days to think.
- Ask him what he thought about and why things will be different. Sometimes, guys will want you back because they really miss you—not because they want to be a good boyfriend to you. By making the guy talk through what he thought about during his alone time and why things will be different, he has to actually do some reflecting and create a sort of social contract between the two of you. Don’t worry if your guy doesn’t have a clear-cut, well thought out answer. It’s usually just “I really missed you, and I want you back. Let’s try again.” However, you need to at least make it clear through your questions that you expect him to be an enthusiastic half of the relationship.
- Observe his behavior and communicate clearly if your needs are not being met. Like I said earlier, the guy might not be on his A-game when you guys get back together. Maybe he’s been reassured by your eagerness to get back together, and doesn’t feel like he has to do a lot to keep you. If you find that your boyfriend is being lazy and that your needs are not being met, give him a week to fumble around and find his footing in the relationship. If he’s still acting like a fool, communicate clearly without begging, whining, or nagging, that your needs are not being met, and that you are questioning whether getting back together was in fact a good idea. If your guy really does want to be with you, he will straighten up quickly. If he really isn’t that into you, and simply came back in a moment of weakness, he will likely say something, like, “Yeah, I’m not sure it was a good idea either.”
And if after being a so-so comeback boyfriend and you’ve expressed your concerns, he still says that he doesn’t know what he wants, that’s when you go right back to Step 1 of this plan. And maybe this time he doesn’t get a chance to think it over and come back.
No related posts.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Between breakups, how long is too long because I broke up with my boyfriend and it has been a whole year and now i dont feel like trying anymore.
@Chase: Hey, love! Are you saying you don’t feel like trying to have a relationship with someone new? Or you don’t feel like trying to wait for the ex? I definitely do not recommend waiting for the ex. Live your life, feed your passions, laugh with your girlfriends, be happy! If you are not up for dating new people right now, that’s fine. Focus on you. Funnily, men start coming out of the woodworks when you start focusing on cultivating your own happiness and interests instead of worrying about what they’re doing! Breakups are really hard, but time really does heal. Sometimes it does take a whole year. I hope I answered your question. Thanks so much for reading.
I love this! I just wish that I could have read this ahead of time. I really liked number 2, related to me by so much. He called last Friday to say that he’s been “Romantically numb”, and to get back because things will be just how they used to be, he asked for my opinion I stayed quiet and he said that he’d give me time. We hung out on Saturday and I got kind of drunk and we got into an argument kind of but he called me the next day all calm and what not. After that, he hasn’t called back. I have no idea what I did wrong. So I don’t know, am I just the booty call, or should I give it a try again and give it some time as well. I mean, he always does this. Calls me on day and then doesn’t call til like a week or so later. Help please.? ((:
Hey Curious! Well, I believe you do know what you did wrong. You said you got drunk and picked a fight with him. Even if he did call the next day, he may be still thinking about that and taking some time to just chill by himself. Everyone makes mistakes, so don’t give yourself a hard time about it. Just know that men go into their caves from time to time, and no amount of worrying about him/the relationships is going to make him come out. If you two aren’t exclusive, it may be time to consider dating other guys in addition to this guy–spread out some of that love energy that is building up inside of you. Take some time for you and just know that if he really cares for you, he’ll be back. No need to chase him–or any man for that matter.
Hi Kaneisha!!
First of all i would like to say i like your name!! Nice!!and forgive me if i have grammar mistakes, i´m not an english speaker. I get to you surfing the Net. And well.. my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend told me ¨he didn´t know what he wanted..¨then he said¨let´s see what happens¨… then when i asked him if i was still his girlfriend? which are his feelings for me.. if he loved me .. he excused himself saying he had no time to talk and he had to leave to work… I read your post ¨He doesn´t know what he wants¨and ¨How to get your ex back¨…and help me a lot to understand what it may happen to him..I really love my boyfriend and i don´t want to lose him or make something to push him away. Kaneisha, i forgot to tell you that now we have a long distance relationship,but we were together for 9 months before the separation. He is American and i am from Argentina. When i came to my country he was so sweet and was calling regularly.He even told me he wanted to come to my country. Then, he started forgetting to call me and when i was calling him, he only talked to me for 5 or 7 minutes. He always told me he didn´t like to talk on the phone, and i knew this is true ´cause he hardly talked to his mum!I think he also changed ´cause he is around young guys who only wants to hang out and get drunk. I´m not saying he can not hang out but he got to the point to crash his car once. We started to have arguments on the phone and well..we were ok one week and the next one not.Today is my b-day and he wrote me an email …just wishing me a happy b-day and hoping i do something fun with my family. Then, he signed saying ¨take care of yourself¨… I must admit it hurt me that it only was simple email and not a call.My doubt now is if i should reply to his email or not, and if it should be simple as his or i should let him know in some way (indirectly) i still love him…what kind of words should i use??? Thank you for your time and advice!!! help ,please!!! Fondly, Silvy
I went through this same thing in September of last year. My ex came over and got his clothes then said he didn’t know what he wanted *this was before he told me he was dating his old HS gf’s cousin. He also said it wasn’t me, it was him. One last thing he said was that I would hear from him again somday and that if he doesnt come back by the end of the school year in May, he’s not coming back. Considering it’s already February, I can basicly say that’s the case. Cuz that makes me really sad since he was my “Knight in Shining armor.” But, whatever. Life happens for a reason.
Hey this is such a good blog.
The thing is I broke up with my boyfriend because we got sick of each other after living with each other and we were always fighting. Then I wanted to work things out and he said no I don’t know what I want anymore. It has been 4 weeks we have been seeing each other ,because it’s so hard for me . I did do a few of the things you said not to do like abuse him and go a bit crazy. He wants to forget it and still be friends but I can’t just be his friend and I want him to want to be with me . He still tells me he loves me …….. What do I do
This is an amazing blog. Excellent advice. I normally have good advice to give to my friends but now I am in a mess and Im so traumatised and shattered so please help.
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We are from different religions he is catholic and i am muslim. we have an extremley rare special connection and im 100% sure that love is not as easy as it was for us ..we hardly fought, complemented eacother perfectly and he takes very good care of me and moreover he is just … a good honest sincere soft hearted loyal man. Marraige was always something of an unrealistic dream for us being different religions – before you get the wrong idea – my parents are not mental stereotypical people you read about in the news with something ridiculous like honour killings lol. theyre educated and weve been brought up abroad .. but still … im supposed to marry a muslim or atleast get the guy to convert at the very least. I am very abstract and chilled out in my religious views ..i believe as long as people are good and of a sound moral character thats al that should really matter, but it is very important to him.
Three years ago we went through a crossroads – i wanted to be with him for good and he said we didnt have a future… i was distraught…but instead of leaving him alone i “convinced” him that it would be ok and as long as we fought it wouldnt matter. i know in retrospect i should not have done this but i felt he needed courage instilled in him – so i did it. he agreed to fight and we were with eacother for another three years and everything was perfect. we started talking excitedly about getting married someday and our kids etc and i could tell he was into it too. we seemed so settled and our future seemed clear and i felt so safe with him.(btw my parents did not know the entire time we were dating..and his parents knew and they were very nice to me but they thought it was puppy love) two weeks ago he had lost alot of weight was ill and mentioned that we needed to talk – i didnt know it was about me. he was clearly upset with tears in his eyes and said that it wont work because he was getting proposals frm girls at church and his mother wanted him to “consider them” – finally after downplaying our relationship he came clean and said he wanted to marry me. his parents were having none of it. they said theres no way he can marry me his church wont let him marry a muslim and they will never accept him …its either me or them. THEN after i said it didnt matter and we can raise the kids with both our faiths and compromise … he told me that “the mother of my child has to be catholic and i want catholic children” this was a shock to me as ive NEVER been catholic. i felt like a toy … thrown away because i had been outgrown. i cried and said no but we can fight for this … but he said “im not fighting” and i told him that religion is just a label and he said “not to me” … at this point i got hysterical and wasnt thinking and offered to convert to christianity …and i didnt care (i do) but he said hed never let me do that as it wud only lead to resentment. i feel so SO cheated, robbed, led on and my belief system is shattered. it has been 15 days since that day and no calls or texts to ask how i am … i think he is ashamed to face me..the thing that doesnt make sense is he used to protect me so much from bullies but he turned out to be the biggeest bullies…if being a catholic was so imperative why hadnt he mentioned this earlier three years ago? he said he probably will never fall in love wid anyone after me but he has to marry frm his religion for his parents sake and he cant break their heart (but what abt MY heart?)
i broke down and told my parents the truth after so many years of lying to them – shockingly they were very understanding and werent acting “backward” like people generally do in situations like this. they told me if he was worth it he would fight for me the way i did for him. you must understand that a muslim girl marrying a christian boy is MUCH MUCH harder if not impossible to do than the other way arnd – and i still was WILLING to change my whole world around just to accomodate him. i feel so bitter that he didnt do the same and he threw me away … seven years is no joke. i still feel tied to him ..he told me to be happy and look for someone else who i deserve but i cant…i just want him back. i have not called him because THIS time i want him to come back to ME …but he still hasnt called. i cannot believe how unfair his parents are being ..especially since we are meant to be the “unreasonable ones.” moreover i feel bitter because his family has hindu people in it and they accepted THEM even though theyre not even a monolithic religion like islam is – but they still managed to accept THEM with grace and not me. i feel disgusted by their hypocracy and they know im not crazy or some kind of fundamentalist by looking at me and i have been to many dinners and weddings with their family. i feel so betrayed that they just threw me away like i meant nothing – even though i made their son so happy. I call my friends every hour crying and im shattered. im quite social and vivacious and im an artist ..but my confidence is at an all time low because i feel that .. if i cant make someone attached enough to me after 7 years .. i cant trust anyone. why should anyone want to be with me if im not unique or special, even though i am an extremley loving passionate and loyal gf and i wore my heart on my sleeve and gave it 200%. it feels like he is mine and i am his … how can he even speak to me about finding someone else and finding love again … i really dont believe people can just find love so easily especially not such a compatible relationship like ours … i dont believe love is a ritual that people keep getting into … we both cried and i kept telling myself that he will be back jerry maguire style after having an ephiphany of some sort and will come back with more fervour than ever…but the days are going by and life seems bleak and grim. I really want him back and i cant imagine my life without him – hes not only my soulmate but my best friend. everyone says he is average but i cant imagine starting over..he is younger than me 25 and im 27 ..it feels like i gave him the best years of my life and its ok for him because he is young. everyone arnd me is married and wid kids and i wanted that wid him and no one else…i literally put ALL my faith and all my eggs into one basket. im upset with the fact that he didnt compromise and he did not even try. it feels like my knight in shining armour is nothing more than a toddler with a wooden sword. is it true about if someone loves u they will come back no matter what? i cling to hope but i dont want to move on at all – i feel disloyal even thinking abt being with someone else and i feel worthless that he didnt fight for me. is there still hope?
{ 2 trackbacks }