If marriage is important to you, do not move in with your boyfriend. Whether you’ve been dating for six months, two years, or even longer than that, moving in with your boyfriend does not represent progress in a relationship. It represents you letting go of something that is probably important to you—getting married!
You should NOT move in with your boyfriend for the following reasons:
You’ve decreased your chances of getting married and staying married. That’s right! Only 25% of couples who cohabitate get married within five years of first moving in together. And couples who lived together before marriage are 50% more likely to get divorced than non-cohabitating couples. (Source: Jeffrey Zaslow of The Wall Street Journal in “Moving On: Divorce Makes a Comeback—Poor Economy, Tense Times Prompt More Couples to Call it Quits”. January 14, 2003.) I can’t quite explain this, but I’ll let the numbers speak for themselves.
You can never quite “undo” the decision. If you and your beau find that living together was a hasty decision or that you’d just rather each have more space at this point in the relationship, there is no real way to undo the moving in decision without severely damaging the relationship. You basically have to break up if one or both of you decides that living together is not working.
The man now has no sense of urgency. He can see you everyday, have sex with you whenever he wants, never has to miss you, and of course he gets whatever other wifely things you have to offer like cooking, cleaning, etc. Think about it. Once you move in with a guy, you are doing everything a wife does without the legal or symbolic benefits of him actually being your husband.
I have asked many of my guy friends about this and they all agree: A man knows whether or not he wants to marry a woman before he moves in with her. Moving in with her does not bring him any closer to proposing. If anything, it makes him feel like he can now buy more time since the relationship has had the appearance of progressing.
I’m not saying that moving in together means your boyfriend is never going to propose to you. Many couples (most even maybe?) live together before they get married. I’m just saying that if it is very important to you to get married to this guy, you’re better off requiring that this man actually legally and symbolically commit to you before you move in with him.
So don’t go moving in with that man just because you want the relationship to progress. It doesn’t matter if he invited you to move in with him, if it’s the financially reasonable decision, or if you just think it’s the next step in the relationship. I know playing house and being able to see each other all the time sounds wonderful—and it really can be. But how much more wonderful would it be to be romantically proposed to, have a beautiful wedding, a fabulous honeymoon, and then do all the fun and mundane things that come with marriage? I sound like a mother begging her daughter to keep her virginity to make the first time special. I guess in a way I am begging you to keep your co-habitating virginity. You only move in together once. Make moving in together special—and make it something that is getting you closer to what you really want—not just an imitation of it.
No related posts.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Kaneisha: I am shocked to see such regressive, impractical claptrap and deep misinterpretations of social science coming from a woman with a B.A. from Pomona College and two Masters Degrees from Harvard.
Let’s take this apart point by point, shall we?
Numbers do not speak for themselves. They need scientifically valid interpretation. We have observed a correlation between premarital cohabitation and divorce. But correlation does not imply causation. It may be that couples who move in together before marriage are more politically progressive and therefore more likely to seek a divorce if things don’t end up working out.
Wouldn’t you want to know whether living with someone works before you tie your life and finances to them in a legally binding way? And if you think it’s hard to hit “undo” on cohabitation, try getting a divorce.
You make marriage sound like you’re trapping a man in a hurry before he changes his mind. But will you really be any better off if you rush into something because it’s so “urgent?” Maybe marriage is a serious enough commitment that it shouldn’t be entered into with a sense of urgency, but rather with a sense of slow, deep, abiding certainty.
So, in your mind, “wifely duties” include:
Having sex whenever your man wants, rather than when you both want it.
Being around all the time so your man doesn’t ever have to miss you, rather than going out and enjoying your own life independently because you like who you are outside of the relationship.
Cook, clean, etc. because men can’t possibly be counted upon to do their own fair share of the household chores.
I would encourage you to think seriously about the gendered assumptions you are making here and the message they send to your readers.
Written like the type of woman who’s left dumb founded by what’s blatantly in her face but who would rather see things through rose colored glasses. I’ll bet the ranch that you are co-habitating. Quite frankly those who use the excuse that living together first knows what you are getting up front are also the same people who are willing to call it quits as soon as the newness wears off because these are the kind of people that aren’t into commitments. They want to sample but not buy. If what a woman really wants is to be married than that’s what she should strive for and not the knock off version. In the late 80′s or early 90′s there was all this hoopla and booing because a politician dared to make a comment about a tv show Murphy Brown to be exact going against family values by glorifying a woman having an out of wedlock child. He was concerned of the message that would be sent to young women. Oh the drama , protest and indignations!!! He was also said to be regressive but gee here we are decades later where coincidentally women are bastardizing their children at an all time high. And yes I wrote Women because as progressive as modern medicine is it is still WOMEN that have children therefore by having babies with men they aren’t married to they have deliberately decided to bastardize their offspring. Yet these same women not only use the “single motherhood” as a crutch they also feel they should be awarded and applauded for doing something that was clearly irresponsible. Its all about the trickle down effect that too many people miss they are so caught up in the moment they don’t see the big picture just like women who play wife to men without a wedding ring, legal papers or vows who are then shocked and hurt to find out their guy is content with the way things are and wedding bells not cometh.
Ahem… well! Umm, I think a lot of your points are valid and should definitely be considered seriously before making such a commitment. Your views may not be academically progressive, but they certainly are the real-life truth about the way many of us think and behave in relationships. I know (personally) that so many times in relationships, we as crazygirls don’t deal with our relationship truthfully, but instead, live in a fantasy world of what we wish it was. That is where we get into trouble thinking that if we move in with a man, it will put us on the fast track to engagement, etc. I feel happy and blessed to have an honest and open relationship where we discuss the possibility of moving in, engagement, etc. without the scary pressure because we are BOTH ready for that move. So, I’m going for it! Lastly, I think moving in together is just like any other big relationship risk you may take. It could work…. or you could fall on your face, but if you both go into it informed, prepared, and emotionally ready- why not!
Hi Sunflower! Best of luck to you and your man! Thanks for reading!
Teresa Valdez Klein: You have to get away from that academic crap. I love education, but I have to say that academics and real life don’t always mesh. We can go on about how progressive we should be from studying this or that, but the truth is the way we act and react in the real world is more important than what a bunch of theory talks about. Theory is theory real life actions and reactions is what’s the real deal.
Take for instance the book the Rules which is probably more true well hell is more true than what theory or peoples lame ass excuses of we live in a more progressive society so we don’t have to do this and that. We can ask men out, have sex like men etc. when in reality it doesn’t work that way.
This is an interesting video that supports Kaneisha’s post. I got it from BlackandmarriedwithKids.com.
http://wcco.com/video/?id=69998@wcco.dayport.com
Marthe: Thanks for passing on that video! I watched it, and enjoyed watching them bust all the marriage myths! My favorite one was “Myth #4: Marriage is like fruit. Once it’s spoiled, it’s rotten forever.” Marriages can definitely be saved. Start with reading The Five Love Languages!
Thanks Kaneisha!!
I’m glad you liked it.
I ‘ve read that post before and found it very informative.
For me,
dating has always been a practice at marriage. I doubt I would have ever dated if I didn’t hope to one day date a person who I would eventually marry.
For me and my now fiance, we chose to move in together not to extend the “wooing” period but as a happy mediums to our families. We wanted to marry and live together but because of our ages and also our involvement in college neither of our families wanted the word “marriage,” to be bandied about quite yet.
For us I feel it has done several things. We have weathered several storms, learned that we can accomplish anything together and learned to be depended on and dependent on one another.
Something we both received and had not counted on, by the time we marry October of next year, we’ll have graduated and both be starting salaried jobs. What a way to start a marriage! There will still be plenty of growth to be had, learning to work along side each other instead of studying together and one day raising a family together.
To completely dismiss the rightness and opportunities for young people to learn from each other and grow together in a habitat such as cohabitation is certainly wrong.
For two people to come together, the right people, the right time… the state stating that you are legally married makes little difference when the two are truthfully and whole heartedly married in every other way.
Sound solid advice! Black women especially need to heed this. Too many women [specifically Black] have settled for shacking up and/or being baby momma’s when what they really wanted was to be a wife FIRST. You will get pro-cohabitator, naysayers and commitment phobes who will say you are wrong and I say the women in these groups are the same one’s bullshitting themselves about the status and progression of their relationships. I have no desire to “play” wife and doing all of these extras for a man who hasn’t made a commitment to me especially if what I want is MARRIAGE and not to ‘play’ house.
Men, REAL men will tell you that when women make things too easy they are going to take advantage and once a man knows you are willing to settle (which many of THEM aren’t willing to do) they hold all of the cards in the relationship and once he’s lost respect for you 9 out of 10 you’ll never regain. Personally I have always said the only man I’m going to live with will be my husband. If I had a dollar everytime I’ve heard some woman boo hooing about her wasted years playing house with a man who didn’t marry her but wifed the next chick, I’d have Oprah Winfrey type money. Far too many women jump at “let’s move in together” hoping it will quickly translate to “will you marry me?” never putting weight on why she’s good enough to get the proposal to shack but not marry? Oh and let’s not pretend that even in the New millennium women aren’t still having “accidental” pregnancies in hopes of getting that man to finally marry them especially when living together or my favorite engaged and living together for what was supposed to be a couple of months to a year turns into half a decade or more and a wedding date has never been set.
Overall it is the women that leave these situations resentful, frustrated and defeated all because they made a compromise and didn’t hold out for what they REALLY wanted. They settled! unfortunately its only after the guys moved on to someone else or after years of playing house he feels complacent enough to admit doesn’t see the need for marriage that these women acutally get it. And unless they live in a common law state or one that recognizes palimony, while they were playing ‘wife’ when its all said and done and he takes out that last box with his stuff she gets nothing but memories she probably doesn’t even want.
It’s not for me but I believe if the parties involved are honest with themselves that a marriage may never happen, living together is what I call and ‘adult arrangement’ and I strongly believe children shouldn’t be brought into the equation but that’s a whole other post.
I lived with my boyfriend for 9 months thinking something would happened. Or at least I thought we would move out of his parents house and we would get our own place and eventually get married. I really have no idea what to expect now…we drove each other crazy always being home and always being around each other. I moved out a couple days ago and back in with a family member until I get back on my own feet. It’s really hard and I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do now. We are still technically dating, I told him that I needed a break and I guess I’ll see where it goes from here. But I am really sad about moving in and I think I regret that the most because it really messed up our relationship and we’re not close anymore. It was like I was his wife, with no good benefits. Especially since his parents were there and we were living under there rules. Boy am I glad I got out of that, but I miss him and I went from seeing him everyday for 9 months to not seeing him for almost a week now. It’s extremely hard but I want to say we can work on our relationship better now that we don’t live together, I just hope its not too late