Dear Kaneisha,
I love your blog, I read it almost everyday and so do the girls in my office!
Kaneisha, I need advice. I am a newly-wed lady who is in a very happy marriage. We dated for about four years and lived together for 2 of the four years before we got hitched and we have always had a strong relationship built on love and trust. But a couple Saturdays ago, we went to a party downtown and my husband, *Jake*, got really drunk, unbeknown to me, and something bad happened!
Near the end of the party, I told Jake I was feeling a little sick and he agreed with gusto to take care of me. We left with a large group of our friends to ride the bus back to our suburb, and Jake just would not stop shaking me around no matter how many times I asked him politely! I didn’t realize that he was drunk as a skunk, I thought he was just being buzzed and silly (we usually don’t really drink too much). I was already feeling kinda queezy and so I yelled at him to STOP! At our transfer, I got out and he came out after me yelling at me about something crazy. All of our stupid friends were sitting next to us, saw this and didn’t step in to say “shhhhh!” or anything. Finally Jake got to the point where he was yelling and threatening suicide (WAY out of character) and he screamed at me in the streets and called me all the bad words you should never call a woman, much less your wife, and he threw himself down on the sidewalk and started punching me in the legs!! I yelled “STOP!!!!!!” and our stupid friends STILL didn’t move an inch! When he started punching my legs again I hit him with my purse and ran for a taxi and left him and our stupid friends at the bus stop. When I got home I locked all the doors and put the chain on, and half an hour later, Jake kicked in the door! He was totally beside himself with tears but he claimed he didn’t have a clue as to why I was yelling at him and kicking him out of the house! Eventually, I let him sleep in the living room while I locked myself in the bedroom. In the morning, I ran out of the house and Jake didn’t understand why I was so mad; HE DIDN’T REMEMBER A THING! I was so appalled and disgusted that I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day.
I do not know what to do. I was in an abusive relationship in college and I swore to myself I would never ever be a victim again and I am just so shocked that my perfect husband hit me! He has always been so nice and gentle and kind and i love him so completely, but when I look down at my legs, I STILL see these giant dark bruises covering my leg three weeks later. I have since talked to and even forgiven my husband, but I just feel really really weird around him and especially around our stupid friends. It turns out that the Sunday after the incident, while I was ignoring Jake, he was trying to figure out what happened and one of our stupid friends, *Ian*, told Jake that he saw Jake slap my legs lamely a few times and then saw me beating him silly with my purse and then Ian ran over and stood between us so that I couldn’t hit Jake anymore! I am just so grossed out that Ian would take advantage of Jake’s supposed memory lose and lie like that! Why did he lie? And when Jake asked *Bryan* about the incident, he just told Jake “why is she freaking out so much? you only hit her in the legs!” I know he “only hit me in the legs,” but I have do have giant bruises and it hurts to cross my legs and even to walk. I thought that Ian, Bryan and the rest of the group were both Jake AND my friends- not only Jake’s.
Kaneisha, I do not want to lose my husband, but I don’t want him to hurt me again either. I refuse to go back to being the sad girl I was in college, but I really like my husband. Am I being stupid? He has never hurt me before, and he volunteered on his own to never drink too much again, but this just feels like a trap. A trap I fell into time and time again with my college boyfriend, and a trap that I would like to think I know enough to not fall into again. And what about the kids who I thought were my best friends? Should I dump them? Or is it ignorant and self-centered to expect my best friends to step in when I’m getting pushed around? Everything was so perfect before that night, and now I feel betrayed by my best friends, and I am scared of my husband. If he didn’t remember ANYTHING from that incident, what else happened that I didn’t know about? What if he was with another woman and he just “forgot?” What do I do?? On the surface, everything is back to normal- my husband and I are friends again, our friends still hang out at the house- but I just feel weird.
Thanks for letting me lay all this nonsense down on you. This is the first time I have spoken about what happened that night with anyone other than Jake, and I appreciate you having a forum for us Crazy Girls to feel less alone.
love,
loyal reader
Kaneisha’s Answer:
Dear Loyal,
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It must be devastating and very confusing to have something like this happen and not be able to turn to your friends to talk about it. The short answer to some of your questions is this:
- Find a marriage counselor immediately. From your story, I can identify a number of things that a qualified marriage counselor can help you and Jake work through as a couple and in individual therapy sessions: his drinking problem (and it is a problem if it makes him act like that), any underlying psychological or emotional issues Jake may be struggling with (e.g. his suicide threats), the psychological trauma that this incident has caused you, the interpersonal tension you are feeling toward your friends, as well as the normal challenges that all newlyweds deal with. I would suggest that you find the marriage counselor, book an appointment, and then tell Jake that you’d like both of you to attend together. I want you to book the appointment first, because I do not want you to be talked out of going. Most of my readers are from Los Angeles, Boston, New York, or Miami, but I’m going to recommend this one marriage counselor in SoCal with a pretty website for starters. If I’m completely off, and you happen to live in Kansas, you can use this directory to find a marriage counselor where you live.
- What to do about your stupid friends: It was very stupid of them not to intervene to protect you—and then to lie to your husband about how ridiculous and inappropriately he was acting. There is a phenomenon called the bystander effect where people stand by watching something terrible without stepping forward to act. This psychological phenomenon may be why none of your friends stepped in to intervene. Then, they probably lied to your husband to make the story “not that bad” since if they admitted to themselves and to your husband how terrible things actually were that night, they’d be incriminating themselves. This is still not an excuse for their behavior. They should have protected you—and they definitely should not have lied to your husband about what happened or minimized the incident. I do not think that you should drop them immediately. I think that you should speak with them individually about how hurt and betrayed it made you feel when they didn’t protect you and when they acted like it was no big deal. I think that some of your friends will be very apologetic, and for those who are not, yes, I say drop them—no matter how nice they are.
- What to do about Jake: No matter how much he cries and swears it will never happen again, if you and Jake do not seek professional help for this matter, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. My youngest aunt was killed by her abusive boyfriend. I do not take this lightly, and I can tell that you don’t either. I think it’s good that you have forgiven Jake, but it’s perfectly normal and understandable that you would feel weird around him. You’re probably wondering when he’s going to snap again—and what he will do! I’m sure you two have had many talks about this already, but if it’s still not perfectly clear to him, he needs to understand that you do remember what happened that night (you have the bruises to show him to jog his memory), and that it has seriously eroded your trust in him. He needs to understand that he messed up REAL BAD and that seeking professional help is not an option—it’s a requirement.
- What to do about you: Ms. Loyal: Your safety and emotional well-being matter more than your husband’s feelings or even his reputation. I understand that you want to keep this matter private, but if something like this happens again, you must TELL SOMEONE. Tell me, tell your parents, tell your friends. Tell his parents! If people close to you don’t know what is happening, you could easily rationalize it away for years: “It’s just when he drinks.” “He doesn’t really mean it.” “He had a hard childhood.” “We’ll work it out on our own.” You’ve been through this before in college! You will never be a victim again!
I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship, but one of my boyfriends could be quite verbally abusive at times. He’d flare into a rage and call me all those terrible things your husband probably called you that night. I never told anyone, because I was so ashamed. I thought: I’ll look so stupid dating someone who berates me on a weekly basis. My closest friends knew about his rages, because he’d do it in front of them, but they only got a sneak peek of the sh*t show that was our relationship at times. He ended being manic depressive. I’m no psychologist, but Jake sounds like a prime candidate for manic depression (bipolar disorder)—or maybe he just needs anger management therapy.
THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Abuse never is. We cannot control how others behave. But we can control how we allow ourselves to be treated. Take care of yourself. You’ve already taken the first step by sending in your question.
What do the other Crazy Girls and Crazy Guys have to say?
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Loyal: I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. You probably don’t want to imagine getting hurt again by your husband, but you NEED to put a plan in place in case the unthinkable happens again. If nothing else, a plan may help you focus on living in the future and getting to a place where you can start to take care of other aspects of your life.
If you are *ever* hurt by your husband again, seek medical attention immediately – if it’s at night, this may mean going to the emergency room. Remember: doctors are trained to deal with these types of situations.
Here’s why you should seek medical attention:
1. Make sure even superficial bruises are checked out. You need to know for sure that nothing more serious is going on (no broken bones, etc.). Find this out sooner rather than later – for medical reasons and for psychological reasons.
2. If you have been hurt, you NEED to document what has happened immediately – a medical setting may be the only way to do it. To protect *yourself*, you need to be able to demonstrate that you are telling the truth about what has happened with your husband. If your husband develops a pattern of abuse, you may eventually need this documentation. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
3. Be protected in an emergency room setting. The night your husband hurt you, it seems like you didn’t really have a safe place to go. If your husband kicked the door in, he is clearly a very strong person and you may not be safe at home. Unlike your “friends”, there is no way emergency room staff will allow your husband to hurt or abuse you.
I realize that you may not want to share the details of such an intensely personal, private situation with an emergency room physician (a total stranger) – but just remember that the doctor’s main focus is to get you better.
Doctors have an obligation to report imminent or life-threatening danger, but if it is clear that you are safe enough to go home, the doctor will probably suggest options for counseling or anger management in the area.
If you *are* in imminent or life-threatening danger, it may be helpful to let a doctor make that call.
Good luck.
Dear Loyal,
Do what’s been suggested above. He could be banking on the fact that you won’t leave because you don’t want to end a marriage. But your health and safety are paramount! We all want you around! (I don’t buy the “Oh i don’t remember.” BS Is this what he’s gonna say when you really get hurt? And who cares if he remembers or not? You know what happened.
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!
Hi Kaneisha,
While I agree with most of your advice, I have a problem with your saying that he could possibly be manic depressive, especially considering that there was alcohol involved. While one of the symptoms of Manic Depression is irritability, it does not include being physically abusive, unless the one with bipolar disorder is already an abusive person. As someone with bipolar II and as someone who has had friends with bipolar I (the more intense kind), I would have to say that is a very unfair assumption. Bipolars are more likely to be delusionally cheerful and then depressed in bed, but not timebombs as most of society stereotpically assumes them to be. This man has an alcohol problem and an anger management issue, but the abuse is not a sure sign of bipolar disorder. If he is extremely jovial, has grandiose fantasies about himself for a few days before he just hides under the covers for a few days, then that would be a more “bipolar” situation. And most bipolars have a great sense of humor and are interesting to be around, if tough to deal with during depressive phases.
Great advice as always, Kaneisha! I particularly love that you told Loyal Reader, “Your safety and emotional well-being matter more than your husband’s feelings or even his reputation.” This is so true and something we survivors of domestic violence need to hear.
Loyal Reader, please do not keep this inside. No matter how much shame you think you will feel by telling, you cannot risk your own safety and well-being by keeping it inside. My ex-boyfriend beat me up by punching me in the stomach and choking me the first time when he was drunk and incoherent too. For 4 weeks, it hurt to laugh or even breathe deeply. Yet I chalked it up to his being so drunk. However he continued to beat me, even when he was sober.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Love should not ever hurt.
@Megan: Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you got out of that relationship. Thank you for reading!
Thank you, Kaneisha. It’s so important to support one another.