Kaneisha,
The guy I was dating is 26 and so am I. We met about 6 months ago and hit it off. Our work schedules are polar opposites and we live about 25 miles away from each other. Overall, our personalities are a match and we have the same sense of humor with amazing chemistry all around the board. I never hassled him about his work (b/c he is an extreme workaholic not to mention he works the graveyard shift) and he never hassled me about school which I loved b/c we each had our own space and lives as well. No jealousy involved. It really was that good!
The problem I started to have with him was every 3-4 weeks, he would be quite inconsistent with the calling. In the first 2 months, I would receive constant texts and a few phone calls a week which resulted in long conversations. After 2 months, the calls died down but the texts were rampant, and I do not feel texts should be substituted for conversations. Sometimes, there would be about 2 days where I would hear nothing (and I didn’t go chasing after him) and after a point I did say something and he would apologize, correct his behavior and everything would be fine.
The second time the minimal contact occurred, I explained to him that I am not the type to get into overly casual relationships and I made it clear I was not looking or rushing for something super serious, I wanted to be with a guy who is not anti relationship or unavailable in any sorts and open to forming a relationship when it feels right with no rush. I explained to him if that was not was he was looking for then it is fine and we can end things amicably and chalk it up to we were not on the same page. He told me he wanted to pursue things and enjoyed our time and he was not anti relationship. Things were fine after that as there has never been any issue outside of the random fits of inconsistent contact.
Two weeks ago, he was over cooking dinner with me, took me to a movie, stayed the night, we got up in the morning, snuggled for 2 hours and made breakfast, he stayed for a bit more then he left at about 3pm. He pulled that minimal contact crap again that week so I texted him Fri “you have been pretty MIA on the phone this week” and his response acknowledged that he was wrong. We spoke on Sat, and I told him that if I am not worth the effort of at least 1 quick “how are you text” or something along those lines then this isn’t for me. I tried to deal with it and I knew the problem seemed petty at face value but then to think that after 6 months, I should be with a guy who wants to at the very least see how I am for the day. I said you were perfect with the phone for the first 2 months. So he nixed that and then said I dont want to hurt you b/c of something like this so I told him, if I am worth it to you then you wouldn’t do this. If you are saying you are going to do this again, then I am not worth it to you and we can just end it (this was a calm conversation, this man has never seen me mad or cry) He kept repeating I am worth it etc and I also told him that after 6 months, I should not have to feel awkward about referring to him as my boyfriend and he agreed with me.
So I also told him that at this point we are either in a relationship or nothing (I know the ultimatum was not the smartest thing) but he knows me enough to know I am an independent woman who is far from clingy. I just refuse to lower my standards for a guy who is incapable of consistency. I told him not to give me an answer right away b/c he needs to think about this so we agreed to talk Tuesday. I didnt bother him at all, I called him Tues, and we made quick small talk then asked what the deal was. He kept saying “I dont know repeatedly and that he thought he could handle a relationship but doesn’t know and doesn’t think he can” and kept apologizing over and over.
I didnt get mad, or try to “convince” him. I just simply stated I wish you would have said this 3 months ago when I gave you the opportunity to leave instead of stringing me along. I then said, ok this is it I guess we never talk again and I won’t see you around b/c we dont live near each other.
He was obviously upset b/c his voice was low and he was stammering a bit and was obviously confused. So i told him I dont know what else to say and he said the same thing. He said I’m sorry and I dont know and I put the phone down b/c I was going to start crying. About 5 minutes after while I was bawling my eyes out, I texted him “Don’t be reckless with other people, especially decent honest people who gave 2 shits. Its cruel and sorry doesn’t cut it. Lose my number”
I definitely regret the lose my number part b/c I do want him back. I deleted him off fb and took down all of our pictures. HELP. Please. I don’t want him to think I never want to speak with him again (he knows I am the type to stick to my guns when I say something) Is this worth saving? I’m being very strict with no contact and have not broke. I am scared he thinks I want nothing to do with him and even if he did give it thought and wanted to work things out, he will be deterred. Can I email him a very quick “Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving” Nothing more, nothing less to send the point that I did not mean the “lose my number” and then not contact him anymore? What should I do, I am sick of feeling like crap. I didn’t realize how much I cared about him until now and I guess this was mutual breakup even though I initiated it. I want him back
Regretful Girl
Kaneisha’s Answer:
Dear Regretful,
Your situation is perfectly normal, and even though it feels that way right now, the world is not going to end—at least not today.
Do not text him anything coy like “Happy Thanksgiving!” You can contact him—but it needs to be clear, concise, and composed:
“I didn’t mean it when I told you to lose my number. I was just upset. It’s important to me to be with someone who knows what they want. If you find that you do want to be together, I’m open to talking about it.”
You are not to text him anything else, call him, or pine after him beyond this contact. What your guy needs right now is time to think and time to MISS YOU. No matter how busy he is, at some point, a gnawing feeling will emerge in his tummy, he’ll realize it doesn’t go away with a bologna sandwich, and he’ll realize that feeling is him missing his lady. When a man comes back to you of his own accord—without being begged, coaxed, bullied, or nagged—he is an enthusiastic partner in the relationship, because he feels that the relationship was HIS idea and he feels like he pursued YOU—not the other way around.
Read a post on what to do when your ex does come back after having had some thinking time: How to Get Your Ex Back
Tighten up your phone game, girl. Do not let them fool you! Men do not like talking on the phone for hours! I know it feels so good when your guy coos at you for hours on the phone, but too many of those long phone conversations in a row will deaden your man’s interest, because he starts to feel himself losing his freedom and starts to take you for granted because it seems like you’re always available. He thinks: If she’s so interesting, alluring, mysterious, and independent, why does she have hours and hours to chat with me on the phone? Women see phone time as connecting time where the two of you are becoming closer. Men see phone time as dead time—wasted time to some degree—not because you aren’t special, but because men just don’t get that same sort of emotional stimulation from talking on the phone that women do.
Communicate with words ONCE—and then with actions. Verbally reminding a man of anything twice is NAGGING—at least in their world. You keep telling your guy, “If I was worth it, you would call,” and then he keeps disappearing on you. As hard as it is, you must communicate with your actions—and your absence. If he is too busy or disengaged to call you, instead of nagging him about how you deserve better, show him that you deserve better and don’t be available when he does finally decide he wants to call. I don’t mean that you should ignore him forever—just long enough to where you see a real shift in his behavior—he goes from being pursued by you to pursuing you.
Do not chastise him for his behavior or past actions. It’s important to let a man know when he’s stepping out of line. Men appreciate when women “put them in their place”—but not through nagging. Speak in “man language”: short, concise, to the point, and no whining or flourishes. For example, Kaneisha’s native tongue would say:
“My heart feels like you don’t appreciate me for the queen that I am, and it just makes me want to throw a chair through the window and leave 27 messages on your voicemail about how stupid you are. You need to step up your game before I find somebody who will treat me like I deserve to be treated! I can’t believe you’ve wasted so much of my time! Don’t you know my biological clock is ticking?!”
Even if this is how you feel, the man will have no idea what you’re talking about if you say this. All he’ll hear is “chair through the window” and “I’m planning on cheating on you because you suck.”
When something is very important to you, you must make your point in man language:
“I’ve told you before how important it is for me to talk with you everyday. It seems that we just want different things. Goodbye.”
Also, it’s not his fault that you two dated for six months without being officially and publicly boyfriend and girlfriend. You could have left at any time. I don’t mean to be harsh, but we Crazy Girls have got to stop blaming men for our unmet relationship needs. If a man is not meeting your needs, tell him once in man language what you need and are not getting, and then decrease your attention until his behavior improves.
So Ms. Regretful, your game plan is this:
- Send him a short text saying you didn’t mean what you said, but that you are serious about being with someone who is sure they want to be with you.
- Wait for his response without texting, calling, or pining after him.
- In the meantime, be it days or weeks, properly mourn the relationship with your girlfriends, and then prepare yourself to date other people.
What ya’ll say, Crazy Girls? What should Ms. Regretful do?
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
As I read this questioner’s story, I could not help but feel sorry for her boyfriend. The questioner did not focus on the most important thing, which was whether her boyfriend cared for her or not. She pretty much focused on a peripheral issue, which is whether he called. Yeah, as Kaneisha pointed out, most guys don’t like to talk on the phone. I’m a girl and I would be kind of bored if I had to talk to someone for two hours everyday. He seems to connect with the questioner great, have quality time with her, do stuff with her, and all she focuses on is that he does not call her within what she deems the “appropriate” amount of time. Girl, why don’t you just go do your own thing and give him a break. 2 days without talking is perfectly fine.
I agree with the straightforward message- just not like “men don’t like to talk on the phone”. Some do
I think the advice you gave is the best advice there is. Don’t fall in love with a man who doesn’t know what he wants, its not worth the time it takes you to pick yourself back up after.
I’m still retarded over a relationship that ended in the couple end months of 2009.
Pauline, I think there was a misunderstanding in either the way I presented my question or how it was perceived. Never did I say I wanted to talk for hours on the phone and nor was I ever demanding that he did. I simply said in the beginning with his phone calls, some would result in 5-10 min convos while others lasted an hour and most of the time early on in the relationship, I would be the one to end the phone call. There were plenty of times when I was too busy to return a call or text immediately and same with him and I was not bothered by that at all. My point was ladies, if you are dating a man for 6 months and doing all this stuff together you mean to tell me that it is too much to expect either 1 quick “hello how’s it going” call or text ONCE a day? That was my point and I want to nix the confusion that I was expecting hours and hours of phone convos b/c I do not have patience nor time for those even with my girlfriends let alone a man. But last time I checked, expecting the man you are dating, spending all this time with, and sleeping with to pick up a phone or text to say hello and acknowledge the girl they are with was not too much to ask, especially after 6 months of dating.
and Maggin, I know the feeling! He definitely was a chatter on the phone when he would call so he kept the convos going long not me lol but the calls diminished and were replaced by texts (which was fine every now and then) but either way you are right and I don’t even want to waste my time on somebody who doesn’t know what he wants. I mean what good is it to let your guard down with someone who in their presence gives you 110% but when they are not around, give you 5-10%. Thats not behavior I’m putting up with. I’m a huge fan of consistency!
Also Kaneisha-
I loved the advice you gave and it makes a lot of sense but I do not think I am going to contact him at all. He knows I didnt want to end it and he agreed with what I was saying as far as what I expected was fair and to add to the fact that he does not know what he wants just makes me think that I should let it go. If he decides he misses me or figures out he wants to be with me then he knows how to find me. I’m sure he could infer that I was upset when I stated lose my number and if he truly cares, then that will not stop him. If I lost him, then it was not meant to be!
@Questioner/Ms. Regretful: That’s my Crazy Giirrrl! Not contacting him at all is even better! He’ll be back.
Questioner: I like your style. Kaneisha’s advice was great, but you took it one step further and did what sane crazy girls SHOULD do: let the man fight for your love! I think you’re right: he knows. He knows you care for him. He knows you were upset. And he knows you are mature enough to have a “reconsideration” talk with him if he ever bothers to pick up the phone and call you. Oh, he knows. He just has to DECIDE which way he’s going to go…
Good luck. Keep us posted.
@Ms. Regretful: Yes, keep us posted! Stay strong!
Thank you so much for sharing this Regretful Girl! I’m going through the exact same thing at the moment too
It’s great to see good sound advice from women who actually understand the situation.
At the end of the day, when we look into our mirrors, we see ourselves. And we have to take care of ourselves in the best way that we can.
I began to understand this because a happy, fulfilled woman who can be on her own attracts men who knows what they want.
We need to change our crazy girl ways, but it takes the right man to recognize it too.