The most dreaded words in a relationship are “We need to talk.” It always means you’re about to get the break-up talk. I know this phrase well, having used it and heard it several times in my dating life. But there’s a second phrase, one that isn’t as clear but also strikes panic in many women’s hearts. I heard it just this weekend from Mr. C:
“I’m not sure what I want right now.”
What you mean you ain’t sure what you want right now?! That’s how I’d like to react when I hear those words. (And let’s admit it, that is what my reaction often has been.) But I’ve learned a lot since my Dating Dummy days, and I now realize that this phrase is one that women must watch out for and have a plan for dealing with.
I used to think this phrase was a cop-out, something guys used so they could keep sleeping with you without having to commit to you. And for some guys, maybe it is. However, after much reading, reflection, and trial and error, I now realize that it is a man expressing his genuine confusion. If he didn’t want to be with you, he’d say so directly, stop calling you and asking you out (the favorite of many guys), or be such a jerk that you have to break up with him (the favorite of the cowards).
Time for a quiz!
After several months of dating, if a guy says that he doesn’t know what he wants, should you:
a) Scream “But I already organized our engagement party! What will everyone think?!” Surely, he will then realize that this relationship is on—whether he wants it to be or not.
b) Calmly outline for him all the reasons you see why the two of you should stay together. With your help, he’ll see more clearly what a huge mistake he is about to make.
c) Tell him, “I understand. Take as much time as you need to figure out what you want.” Then go about your life as a newly single woman.
d) All of the above in that order.
If you chose A, you have successfully run him off for good. When men say the dreaded phrase, it is often because they are overwhelmed with the amount of attention and intensity the woman is bringing to the relationship. You have just shown him how truly crazy you really are.
If you chose B, you are what I call the Perfectly Reasonable Dater. You think it’s “perfectly reasonable” that he doesn’t know what he wants, and that it’s “perfectly reasonable” for you to compile a list to convince him that the two of you belong together forever. If you can just convince him that you are right, everything will be great. The Perfectly Reasonable Dater is the same woman who always seems to find a Perfectly Reasonable explanation for why none of her relationships work out (“He has abandonment issues. You know, because his mom lost him at the grocery store that one time”). Stay away from this trap of rationalization!
If you chose C, you are a Dating Diva, a woman who knows how to date with dignity and without fear. This is the answer because men do not do anything they do not want to do. Yes, you can convince a man to stay with you after he says this phrase. With the help of my well-honed debate skills learned at Harvard, I’ve done it before myself. But you can’t convince that man to love you, cherish you, and be engaged in the relationship.
When a man says this phrase, the best thing you can do is give him space and move on with your life. Men process experiences and emotions much more slowly than women. They could easily coast in a relationship for years and wake up one day to realize they are completely miserable. Give the guy time to think. Don’t try to help him think it through. Don’t try to “be there” for him. Give him time to miss you. Men fall in love with women when they long for them—not when they are persuaded to be with them.
This is not easy to do. It’s painful, it’s frustrating, and it’s especially hard for us Crazy Girls who are used to making things happen in every other aspect of our lives. This is one instance when you should not try to make anything happen. Let what is supposed to happen—you two being together or not—happen without your finagling or fegulery (thanks to Ms. B for that word).
Giving a man space to figure things out does not mean he’ll figure things out in the way you want him to—which is why you have to really move on. If he realizes he can’t live without you, he’ll come back. And then if there is still room in your life and in your heart for him, the two of you can discuss getting back together. Men go after what they want—especially when they know exactly what they are missing, so there’s never a need to chase after a man who says he doesn’t know what he wants. However, many times, the guy realizes that no, he does not want the relationship. And that’s okay too. So this is me letting Mr. C think and letting Mr. C go.
As much as I would have loved to put on my Ms. Smart Girl hat and mind-bully him into staying with me, I know that letting him go was the right choice. The fearless choice.
So my Crazy Girls, now I am single again.
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Kaneisha! Babe, thank you so much for channeling your frustration and sadness into these words. This one is a DIFFICULT one to learn, but your experience and reflection is the truth, no matter how hard it is to accept. These matters of the heart MUST be reciprocal, otherwise what will they become? How will they feed us? I respect you infinitely, my scorpio, crazy girl goddess! XO y MUCHO amor!
He will come back since you ended it with dignity. They always do, I promise. There just aren’t that many chicks out there that don’t have a secret case of “I’m crazy after you get to know me.” He’ll be back…(of course this is conditonal upon that he doesn’t read this post because he has to feel he made the revelation). This is why I have dated almost every one of my boyfriends at least twice. This is sort of stupid in cases where the guy was a jerk to begin with but a great idea when the guy is a keeper and he just needed some time.
There’s another reason why C is the answer. Having that attitude is good for YOUR soul! Never mind whether he realizes you’re a catch, comes graveling back, etc. By the time you finish saying the sentence “Go ahead, boo, take all the space and time that you need,” you should be hatching YOUR next adventure, dating or otherwise. Who cares what he’s thinking about – you are on to bigger and better things, building your life, your happiness, your stock of interesting stories to tell, your sense of humor, your PRIDE in yourself.
I understand that saying goodbye to someone you care about and hoped to have more with can be excruciating, but trust me that thinking about how he’ll behave after you say goodbye is not the way to heal and move on. Focusing on YOURSELF is how you’ll find happiness again, maybe in newfound emotional strength, a new romance, or a totally new life experience that you wouldn’t have discovered but for the newly freed time you now have.
In solidarity,
Lady V
Hi Lady V! Thank you so much for your powerful comment. I completely agree. I know everything you said is dead on in my head–but it’s quite hard for me to actually believe it and internalize it. So I’m getting better at doing the ACTIONS of a confident, happy, secure, independent woman, but it’s still hard to not agonize over how things might turn out. I’m learning, day by day. Thanks for joining me on this journey!
I’ve recently had that statement said to me. And it was awful. We were in a huge argument (one of 600 because I’m a crazy girl…and can’t control my crazy whims) and we decided to take some space. 4 days later I broke down and called him. We talked some and decided to just be friends. What kills me is it is my craziness (my unnecessary craziness…my once a month craziness) that rips me apart from good things. I guess I should say that the one I’m with needs to understand my craziness but honestly how can I ask that when I don’t even understand it?! Just friends is a smart idea but boy does it ache!
Hi Emily! It sounds like you could benefit from reading Never Let Him See You Sweat. We are two CrazyGirl peas in a pod! You’ve got to learn to control your crazy whims, because they are likely sabotaging your relationships. Remember that no man is going to “complete” you or “make you happy”. You’ve got to have that yourself. He’s there to make things better–not to make things what they should be. Take some time away from the guy–no contact whatsoever–and see if he comes around. If he doesn’t, move on with your life and date other people. Just try to keep the tantrums to a minimum. They don’t serve you, and don’t help you really communicate what you’re trying to get across.
Funny, this statement was said to me this past week and again this weekend. I flipped out. I was at his apartment and I was angry. (keep in mind i controlled my actions, but inside my head i was throwing furniture all around!) I told him i was a concrete person and couldn’t understand not understanding what he wanted. I then took my phone and threw it on the floor and said “either my phone is on the floor or it isn’t…”. He laughed.
Eventually we decided friends was best. After we made this decision he asked me “well, what do we do now?” and i responded confidently “well, I leave, I go home, and I get over you and move on.” He quickly asked “well what if you don’t get over me?” and i responded, “give me a few days and I’ll go back to what i do best…..(short pause) well, I’m outta here. I’ll see you the next time I see you.”
Funny thing is, he told me to stay and that he wanted to continue talking. He ended up buying me dinner that night and we watched a movie. Guys certainly do need time to think it over, and with my knowledge of this experience and this lovely article i ran across, I have learned that if you show the guy you could care less about the outcome, this helps them think it over quicker. They also can’t take pressure to make any decision at all. What would the world be without women?
A couple days later he texted me asking me why i wasn’t there hanging out with him.
Good luck to any girl who has this situation. It’s extremely frustrating.
Hi Lisa! Sounds like you’ve got the “shrug and prance away” routine down pat! Did you end up getting back together with the guy after all? I find that first two weeks back together after they’ve thought it through can be a little rocky. I wish you the best!
oh er I have just spent the day with my husband of nearly eleven years who has been messing me about since the end of Sept backwards and forwards to another woman, although he has rung text or been to see me every day. Two weeks ago I had had enough and decided to just get on with my life.He started to panic saying things like don’t give up on me yet i really do still love you. This morning he was saying he wanted to bring his clothes in from the car and he wanted to be back with his proper family! I asked him if he had told her he said he would ring her now and tell her. I said until he had done that my answer is no. He went to meet her in fact she was waiting in her car across the road for me to go out . After he had met with her he was completely confused and didn’t know what he wanted. I said he should go away from us both and think about things but I was going to get on with my life. He has now gone and really I feel like poo. Does that mean my answer was C?
Hi, Gill. First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Being cheated on hurts so badly. I’m not married, but when it happened to me (several times), my heart just broke right open. Yes, it does sound like your answer was C. Your husband doesn’t know what he wants to do right now–stay with his family or start a new life with this woman. The best thing you can do for yourself (and your children if you have any) right now is connect with a group of supportive family and friends as well as seek out a family counselor to help you through this transition. The counselor can help you explain to the children where Daddy is and what’s going on. The counselor can also help you cope with the situation. I would also suggest the book The Five Love Languages. I think it can heal a lot of relationships where the love seems to have disappeared. Read my post about the Five Love Languages here: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/11/the-five-love-languages/
Thanks for reading, Gill, and I send lots of positive energy your way.
Girl, you are preaching to me right now because the guy i’m dating said this to me a couple weeks ago, and it is still messing with my mind! We are not exclusive, but being a crazy girl, I can’t stand the fact that he could possibly not want just me. I’m also new to this whole dating thing, so i’m still working out the details of how to deal with each situation that comes my way. Hopefully your blog can help me out a bit. Right now, I am trying to just be casual about the whole thing and tell myself that if it doesn’t work out with him, there are plenty of fish in the sea!
Hey Kaneisha! Yes i did. A week later we made it official. I was so happy, but since the relationship started out with him “not being sure” I’m taking everything very slow. I asked him what made him change his mind and why it was only a week. His response was idk (OF COURSE!). ok…we’ll see. haha. I think it may also be an ego thing. If you let a guy know you obviously have more things in life than to focus on him, I think this kinda touches on something inside and gets them to decide quicker. Thanks for your time in talking to me. I happened to find your website looking for the answer to the “not knowing what he wants” question and now i visit once a day. It’s my; wake up, read with my coffee part of my day now before i head out to class. I LOVE IT!
I see your perspective and i have done the Ms.C attitude and yet he has made it a point to make sure that i dont forget him. We ended our relationship in October 2009 and then in the begining of December 2009 he started to contact me again. He mostly uses msn and then if i dont respond its him text messaging me. We talked and he told me how much he misses me(while i was giving him space to think). How he has been thinking about me, he met a few girls and there was jsut nothing there like there was between me and him….blah blah blah. Well long story short we talked and then we fooled around. The last thing he said to me was “dont be a stranger” i still do want to be friends. What a bunch of bs! Thats a man for ya. Well 2 weeks go by and out of curiosity and a gutt feeling i texted him and told him lets meet up. He msg me back saying he is busy and cant talk and then he proceeds to tell me that he started seeing soemone and it wouldnt be proper. Wow and this coming from a guy who doesnt know what he wants! i guess that he is still feeling the need to explore his options, well i didnt respond and i felt that he is jsut full of himself and that he is a dog. If he was to contact me again…which i doubt, how should i proceed with that!? Should i even bother to respond? do i ignore his calls? Pls help…im tired of these games!
Thank you, your article was great!
@Maria: This guy is a DOG! If he ever contacts you again to ask you to meet him somewhere (that’s called a booty call), tell him “Of course!” in your sweetest voice–and then never show up. And don’t answer his calls when he does call you (probably five or six times). He’ll get the message that you aren’t his doormat–or his easy lay. Thanks to Why Men Love Bitches for that move. If you want to be nice about it, just never answer another call him from again. But that’s a lot less fun.
Kaneisha, Can you please help me through a similar situation. The same thing just recently happened to me and I need some help interpretting things as my mind is a mess. He told me he doesnt know what his head and heart want anymore. He told me this the same week of valentines day, the anniversary of my daughters death, my dad was in the hospital…I have so much going on I cant think straight.
We have been together exactly a year. (He was married for 18 yrs,with his ex for a total of 21 years and they have been divorced 2 yrs. We are 37-38 years old. He dated casually before he met me but nothing serious. We started dating, he said he wanted to be exclusive and we were together constantly. We always had great times and he’s told me noone in his life has made him laugh and smile like I do.) Last week,he told me he doesn’t know what his head and heart want anymore. (In Sept, he did something similar and called me 8 hours after he broke it off as he said we needed to talk…he said he felt he was making a big mistake by letting me go.) His family feels he is afraid of moving forward. They think he still loves me as he hasn’t taken the 8×10 pic off his living room wall and still has my pic on the front of his phone. He is a country boy and I am a professional woman and he says I deserve better than him and he doesn’t want to hold me back. He continues to call me daily, usually before bed and he will text me in the mornings be careful going to work cause the roads are icy etc. When he texts me, he addresses me as “Hi sweety”, “sweet dreams baby” etc., He told me not to make plans for next Sat night as he wants to take me out for my birthday and also help me buy new tires for my car as the gift. He texts me in the evenings and asks “what are you doing?” I don’t know if he is just curious or perhaps he wants to see if I have moved on or started going out. (its only been a week so I am nowhere near that point.)I am willing to give him all the space he needs but what confuses me is he said to remain friends, hang out, go out to eat etc. Is it really possible to be friends; if either one of us start dating another, I’m certain the new bf/gf will not approve of being friends with someone you share many feelings with. Is this just a cop out for him to get over the initial lonliness until he meets someone else? Is it better to cut off completely and move on or remain friends? We still will be seeing each other as we will be in the same dance class on Wednesday nights. I know we can be friendly but should we remain friends? My thought is he is using me to help fill the lonliness he is feeling now and then he will eventually dismiss me when he moves forward. Please help me to understand this as I am trying to avoid hurting again down the road when his life is back on track with someone else. What should I do?
@Susie: Your thinking is spot on here. Your guy is jerking your heart around like a yo-yo–not because he is a bad person, but because he is making decisions from a place of fear rather than confidence and love. You have so much going on in your life right now and should really focus on your own inner healing. As wonderful as he may be, his indecision is bringing too much stress and strife into your life. Why not keep him at arm’s length for a few months while you focus on you and your priorities–one of which I hope will be counseling. You will see him in dance class, and you can be cordial to him and say hello, but don’t take any more of his calls or reply to his texts. I know this is a short answer to a very long and heartfelt question, but it’s because the solution is quite simple: FOCUS ON YOU. Don’t worry that you’ll never find another love. This guy will shape up once he sees what he’s losing or another man will come along. The priority right now is to make sure that you get your heart, mind, and spirit back in order so that you can love you before trying to love anyone else. Thank you for reading and sharing your concern.
Thanks you so much Kaneisha! Sometimes I have trouble seeing from both sides and I know you are right. I do need to give him a break and focus on myself as if I am not happy and at peace with my life, I will never be happy or have a sucessful relationship. I have been through a lot and I think I that was causing stress in our relationship. I know he is afraid of getting hurt and his way of dealing with it is pulling away…but then he ends up hurting me. This is my year and I am going to address my issues before I can move on to our issues.
@Susie: Keep me updated on your healing process! I always love a good vision board-making session! Also – don’t forget the very important step of going to counseling to have a professional help you work through the complexities. Stay in touch!
I’m 23 and my boyfriend and I recently broke up after a year and one month. He told me that he loves me, but there is so much going on in his life that he “just needs to be alone right now”. He’s highly stressed out from work and afraid of losing his job. He’s also afraid of his future. He said he just isn’t sure what he wants and why he is so unhappy. I’m sure it’s the stress. He said none of this has anything to do with me. When we were together, he was always telling me that he was scared about the future. We’ve seen each other since the breakup and when we are together he acts distant towards me and I hate that more than anything. I think that’s a way for some guys to deal with things though.
His family think that the reason he is acting this way is because of stress. I know he is under a lot of stress, but it still hurts. It hurts because he doesn’t know what he wants.
I mean… he said that he loved me. I asked him if he meant that he loved me as a friend or family member… and he said that it wasn’t like that… he said that he truly considers what he feels for me to be love.
If that is the fact, why is he pushing me away… telling me he needs space? Is he scared of commitment or is he just being selfish by telling me that he just needs some time… giving me false hope? I don’t know if I should totally just give up on him or if I should wait?
I need help… I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone… I truly feel he is my soulmate… and before him, I didn’t even believe that was possible. He’s even said the same thing to me. I really need some advice because I am really lost at this point. Please help… thank you.
Steph:
It sounds like you already know what you need to do–give this man space–but it sounds like you aren’t convinced about WHY you need to do it. So let me help you understand what’s going on with your guy.
When men have a problem, they like to solve it on their own. Whereas women thrive off of sharing our problems with one another and thinking them through together, men only go to other people for help as a last possible resource. Men and women are just different in that way. Your guy is saying he needs some space not because you are necessarily what is stressing him out, but because he wants the time to mull it over and figure things out for himself. He knows that he can’t give you the time and attention that you deserve right now, which makes you stressed out and unhappy, which in turn makes him feel like a failure. He needs some space away from you so that you are one less thing that he feels like he is failing at right now.
I know that you want to be there for him, and help him with work or whatever else is stressing him out, but the best way you can help a man who says he needs some space to figure things out is to give him the space to do so. Now, one thing you need to be aware of is that when you actually do give him the space he is craving, he is inevitably going to miss you a lot (even after just a few days), and may reach out to you wanting to reinstate the relationship. Be careful of this rebound behavior. It’s not that he doesn’t really mean it but he is likely not wholeheartedly clear in his mind and heart yet. He’s just feeling the pain of missing you and wanting it to go away. Should your guy seem magically cured of his confusion in just a few days or even just a week, I advise you to be cautious and actually give him even more time to think. You don’t want to get in a situation where he comes back but only halfheartedly.
Some parting advice is that while giving him his space, don’t spend your time fretting about him and the state of the relationship. Be secure that he loves you, and make him feel like you trust him to figure things out on his own. Don’t reach out to his family to see how he’s doing. Don’t send him little text messages to brighten up his day. Just let him be. You spend that time really nourishing your own spirit. For me that would look like reading a delicious book outside, getting my nails done, doing my own hair, or watching a movie with a girlfriend. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself a little bit. That’s what your guy is telling you that he needs to do right now. I’m sure you could benefit from that too!
I ended up getting contacting him to get a better view of what he really meant by taking a break. He told me that a break is a break up until further notice because he doesn’t want to drag me around while he decides what he wants. The good thing is that he is being really nice to me and talking things through. I know he is hurting really bad because he initiated this break. I just let him know that I understand. He’s going through a lot right now and I feel he needs to get his priorities straight. A month before the break is when he started to get really stressed out from work and I could tell he was distancing himself…plus he was so busy that he never really had time for himself. He just seemed unhappy because he hated his job, had a salary cut, and his mom moved out so he now has financing issues with having a house. The only thing he keeps telling me is that it is nothing I did and he loves and cares about me…he just needs time to think things through and to make himself happy right now.
Hi, I was in a very similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with me last October for similar reasons; he still loves me but he’s not happy with himself or his life and is afraid of missed opportunities if he settles down, blah blah blah. He’s 28 however, and all his friends are in serious relationships, so it was very frustrating.
I gave him space and after 3 months he decided he wanted to “be a better person” but most importantly he “wanted me there to help him”. We had, what I thought a great relationship until last weekend, where out of the blue he told me he still wasn’t happy with his life, and that giving all of his time to a relationship wasn’t making him happy either. He still loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me, but needs to build is own life.
I guess the only thing to do now is to let him go, give him the space he needs, and focus on myself. I feel devastated, heart-broken, and often feel unbearable grief. I can’t help but wonder if he will follow the same pattern and come back. And if and at what point would I know he was ready? I’m just going to work hard to focus on myself in the hopes that I can soon lose as much interest in him as possible. I hope you do the same, for if and when that time comes when they come crawling back, you will be the one with the power, for once.
I have been with my guy for 11 1/2 months. i spoke with him a couple of weeks ago and asked him where he thought our relationship was going and could he see us being together everyday, hinting on living together or marriage. He said that he thought it was too soon to be having a heavy conversation, then he said that he did’nt know what he wanted and that he had doubts. I asked him what the doubts were about and he said he did’nt know. I was absolutely gobsmacked i was’nt expecting all that. He says that he loves me and still wants to see me every weekend. I am feeling a bit low now and wish i had’nt mentioned anything. Should i give him space and withdraw from giving him so much attention. He is planning a long weekend break over easter and says he misses me all the time. Shall i just not mention the serious stuff anymore. I still want to know what his doubts are, because its really getting to me. Help!
Hey Julie! I know you’re going crazy, but you’re going to have to give that man his space! Otherwise, you’re just going to end up running him away! I know what you mean about regretting bringing up serious talks. It totally happened to me and Mr. C (I kept talking about kids). Believe me, if you give him time to breathe and think, he’ll come back. Sign up for the newsletter in the sidebar, so you can stay updated on what coaching offerings I will have soon. I think you might like it!
It’s been almost 7 yrs of dating. I’m anti-marriage so it worked for us cause there was never any pressure. What concerns me is that we’re older, he’s 37 and I’m 32 and I would like to have a child before I’m too old. We talked about it and agreed to start at the end of next year if he gets this other job (money would be better). My concern is that he was already talking about things he would do on his time off if hired, now granted I want him to have hobbies and explore to keep him happy… However, he mentioned to a friend that he would like to finish up college (which is fine), and possibly other endeavors like starting up a business and traveling. What worries me is that if we’re talking about having a baby then that means he is going to be a pretty absent father and partner. My bf is my absolute bestfriend, but am I just wasting my time-youth on something that isn’t going to amount to anything, or that is going unknown-future?
As much as I care for him and completely respect him… I honestly don’t want to be miserable in the future. He doesn’t know what he wants when it comes to career’s and he’s told me numerous times that he wants to grow old with me-til we part this world… but how can he know what he wants when he switches jobs and changes career interests all the time.
I’m confused right now. My head is telling me to leave him, and my heart is telling me not to… but the more time passes my heart is starting to fade for him.
Hi,
I need a little advice, your article was very eye opening. I have known this guy for about 2 years, started to get closer in the last 7 months. The looks, the subtle touching and so on. I am quite confused. he used to have feelings for my best friend and when I asked him a few days ago what he felt for her he said nothing since meeting me but then I asked him where things were going for us and he said he doesnt know. When we kissed it was amazing, like nothing I have ever felt before. I know he felt it too.He was trembling when we kissed. How long do I leave it before ringing him. He says that he is really confused and tells me to try and work things out with my ex. . Really sorry for bothering you with all this but have no one else to talk to.
Thank you.
Hi, Bec! You’re going to have to give this guy some space, because you might be getting yourself into something VERY messy. He’s already told you that he doesn’t know what he wants and that you should “try to work things out with your ex.” This means that he definitely wants you to give him some space to think on his own. There should be no ringing him–no matter how much you miss him or thinks he misses you. Sorry, love.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match =-.
thank you very much for your help, just to clarify when you say no ringing him no matter what does that mean for a week, few weeks or never.
It means never, love. Don’t think “never” is the same as “forever”. If he really wants to be with you, he will come back. My guy did: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/11/how-to-get-your-ex-back/
It’s important to remember how fabulous you are. There is no scarcity when it comes to love.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match =-.
Thank you, I just have one more question. How long do you give it. Its been just over a week since I last saw him and I havent heard from him at all.
Bec! You are fishing for me to say what you want, love. You have to give him S.P.A.C.E. If you MUST contact him, give him a ring after a month. Yes, a whole month.
.-= Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match =-.
Six months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. It started as a week break, than a full break from about 3 weeks maybe a little less. He broke it off because he couldn’t see me in his future any more. Of course he said he loves me, but he just can’t see it and doesn’t know what he wants. After those three weeks we ended up getting back together. Things have been amazing between us over these last few months. There’s just one problem. I still have that burning question of…Do you feel any different now?…in my head. I’m afraid to ask him. I really love this man, we have been together 2 and a half years. I’m just afraid to let myself fall for him more and more and start to want more for us in the future because I don’t know if he feels any different. I’m very afraid to ask. We are young, I’m 19 and he is 20. I just don’t know if I can stay with someone who doesn’t know if they want me or doesn’t know if they want to try and take the next step to thinking about a future together. Do you have any adivce? I’m trying not to think about anything too hard and just enjoy what we have now, but I can’t get this question out of my head.
So what about if we are engaged for 7 monthes ,, and now he tells me that he thinks that he understands me like nobody else, but sometimes he believes that he doesn’t know me at all as if he is a complete stranger.. I dunno how should I reply to him :s …
We were really happily engaged and love each other.. We have same interests.. but the most thing that irritates him is when he explains something to me ,, and he knew quite well that I have different point of view, but I don’t tell him about my thoughts…
Hi Noha,
It sounds like the reason your fiance thinks that he doesn’t know you at all sometimes is that you don’t speak up and share your opinion! If you are going to marry this man, you have to be able to share your opinion with him. The two of you are going to be partners for LIFE, making decisions together about things as small as what kind of bedsheets to buy to whether you should have another child! Speak up and share your opinion, girl! It will make him respect you, become closer to you, and realize how lucky he really is to be with you! If you are afraid that sharing your opinions might run him away, then you have a LONG journey of silence ahead of you–and that is no way to live. Be yourself, share your opinions, show him who you really are! Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha
4 weeks ago I split up with my boyfriend of nearly two years. He said “he didn’t know what he wanted” He said he still loved me and that he didn’t want to split up but that he just couldn’t cope with being in a relationship at the moment. He has gradually got more and more distant with me since he started college. However when we first split up we didn’t stop contact, we were texting each other and then one day we met up for a talk. He said that he missed me as a person and that he still loved me but he didn’t miss the relationship. A week exactly later he text me asking to meet up with him, He told me that the past week he had really been missing me and that he had butterfly’s in his stomach when he see’s me and that he was still in love with me, after this we decided to get back together. For the first 4 days it was great, he was planning for us to go on holiday next year and plans for my birthday in October. He was brilliant and back to his old self…then all of a sudden he just started being distant again. I asked him what was wrong and he said once again “He doesnt know what he wants” only 6 days of us getting back together. I was gob-smacked! I asked him why and did the whole I want to support you and be there for you (as I think he is going through some sort of life crisis at the moment) but he just said that he doesn’t want to drag me down with him, and put me through this anymore…then he asked me to just go away and get on with the rest of my life without him. I told him I didn’t want that and got quite angry and walked out because he wouldn’t listen to me, he called after me but I carried on going because I knew that he was just going to make things worse as all he was saying was that he didn’t know what he wanted. Since I walked out I haven’t been in touch with him at all, and he hasn’t been in touch with me either, I had hoped that me walking out would give him a bit of a shock…its been 3 days now, its killing me not to call him. I love him so much and don’t want to lose him for good like this, we are (were) a really close couple…I just don’t understand whats going on with him.
Kaneisha, thank you so much for writing this! I hope I really can internalize these words. I’ve been talking to a guy since January and I’ve gone further with him than I have with anyone else. Right now we call ourselves “dating” and he told me that in the even that he wants a girlfriend, I’m his number one choice. But in the one week he’ll say he misses me, a few days later he’ll say “he’s not sure what he wants right now.” I understand what he’s going through, and my biggest fear is that when he decides what he wants, he’ll decide that it doesn’t involve me. Thank you for giving me a chance to breathe. I’m confident it’ll be alright, I just like having reassurance from time to time and this was definitely it!
I would definitely choose C as well. However, as easy it does sound, it is probably the hardest things to do when you truly care for someone.
I just want a little perspective:
This guy and I dated for about 51/2 months, then broke up with me because he thought I was acting strange. But really he had been distancing himself from me for the past two weeks, and I kept asking him about it.
Anyways, long story short. We’re still broken up (since June). Now, at first I had arranged for us to meet up twice (stupid, stupid), and then asked for us to try again (again, stupid). Finally, he came out and told my stubborn self in text that he needed time to figure out what he wanted. he said he liked me, but he didnt know what he wanted, and that there is a lot going on in his life, and he wants a stress-free life. (hes a restaurant manager, still learning). i told him i understood and that id like us to still see each other without the pressure of being in a relationship right now. He agreed that we would.
so I read in one of your responses to someone about being careful for when he DOES initiate contact again with you. He did after 4 days. He texted me, called me that whole weekend. Then it turned into texting me every other day “just to say hi” or see what i was doing. We saw each other the other night and he acts like were still together, still touches me, and jokes with me, and like theres no distance.
My question is, should I ever be the one to initiate contact with him at this point? My view is that if he wants me in his life, can make time for me, and is willing to make it happen again, HE should be the first to make contact, whether just to talk or to see me. But at the same time, I dont want to be selfish.
Or option B is that I cut him off completely and let him know somehow (in a polite, collected manner) not to come back until he does know what he wants. I dont want to have the feeling of him stringing me along. Thank you for any input on this one!!
Girl, leave that confused boy alone. If he’s truly serious about you and your relationship, he’ll come back. I promise. Now go do something special for yourself. Thanks for reading!
hey could you help me please?!
my boyfrind split up with me saying he didnt see a future with me . i was so heartbroken and left him in the pub that we was in
he then e-mail me saying this,” for the first few months I loved being with you. But the last couple of months I became a bit disillusioned with it all, didn’t think we were going anywhere.”
And then i e-mail him this
“Well I think your problem is commutation, if you have a problem you need to commutate with that person. Well to be honest I haven’t been myself the pass few months as I have a lot on my mind and it’s been annoying me that I have been like that, but you have hardly been perfect yourself!!
And he e-mail me saying this
“I know I haven’t been perfect-far from it. I prob should communicate a bit more rather than bottling everything up.”
And then Thursday I e-mail him with this
“so is it that a ‘yea i should’ as in you want to try and sort things out or is that it with us?? ”
and know he hasnt reply to be…dont know what to do. i know he is under stress at he just bought a flat and the pass few month i have lost my job and been really stress out myself the pass few months. i’m so in love with him and would do anything to get him back, i just want to understand???!!!!
Wow, you put it all into plain English! Thank you so much! My recent ex boyfriend of 2 years suddenly told me (after a week of ignoring me) that he doesnt know how he feels or what he wants. He then continued to to text/call me after breaking up with me telling me he missed talking to me! We met up to talk and he continued saying he doesnt know if he wants to break up with me or go on a break or be with me. I told him that he needs more time. I texted him asking for my stuff back 3 weeks later after hearing nothing but he never responded. We havent spoken in 2 months! How much more time does he need? Should I kiss him and my stuff goodbye?x
I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now,and i am very confused.We talk about having children together and how we will raise them.When it comes down to getting engaged though he says he isnt ready.We live together and i dont work,so my situation is hard.Right now i am giving him til my next birthday to decide if i am the one or not.I love this man very much,and i just cant walk away from almost 2 years together.He loves me as well and we spend almost all our time together.We spend holidays with both families,we hang out with friends together.Im just not sure what to do?
This is a really nice forum, and I need some advice!
I’m 21 and my boyfriend is going to be 18 in a couple of months. He’s 3.5years younger than me and we have been together for almost 2 years this dec.
And I met him when I was 19, and he was 15.. So I never thought that it would be anything as serious as this. It’s my first real long term relationship and with a guy so young I was taking a risk. When we started dating everything was fine.. Occasionally in the first year, he was very loving and always talked about us and how much he loves me and wants to be with me..and how much he is afraid of losing me..
But now, he’s been feeling that he wants more freedom. He’s gonna be 18 soon and when he says he loves me but sometimes he thinks about being free I feel a little confused.
I’m definitely a relationship Type of girl. Especially since love is so important to me..I would love to be with him forever.. And I would be willing to sacrifice alot for our relationship to work out.
And the problem right now is that he is making me feel as though I’m not worth it.
I know he’s still young. But when I’m in a relationship; I don’t want it to end.. im definitely in this forever and I know it in my heart. HE says he can’t promise anything and I get it,, but I would love if I had met and loved someone who would be sure about a relationship with me..
He’s young I know.. but what does 2 years mean to him? Was it all just memories and fun? What about the future. I’m fine if he doesn’t wanna tell me about the future. But I feel like crap that I’m the only one who is so excited about the future. I love to know where we are headed. I don’t get this.. Have I wasted 2 years of my life and my heart?
IvE told him before that I wished we met when he was 22 or older..
And he recently said he wished we met when he was 25..
Everything sucks right now. I’m so heartbroken that I was willing to give up so Many things for my one love and yet the guy that I love doesnt know what he wants in life.
Was 2 years a waste…
Great post! I thought you might enjoy this quote:
“You gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you cannot do.”
-
Eleanor Roosevelt
I was seeing this guy for almost a year. And about a month ago he told me that he didn’t know what he wanted but he still loved me. I kinda saw it coming when he started to become distant with me and he wouldn’t call or text me as much and he says that he lost his phone and made other excuses, but I knew he was lying. When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted I asked of we could meet up and talk and the next day we did. We didn’t say much but when I walked him home he had his arm around me and when we got to his house he kissed me and hugged me for awhile and said “I’m gonna miss you.” the next day I texted him and didn’t get a response. I tried to contact him again the day free that and still got nothing. So I decided to wait for him. It’s been a month since I last talked to him and it was the day we met up. Two days ago I found out that he deleted me from facebook. Kinda shocked me cuz he waited this long to do it. I miss him alot and still love him. When we were together he would tell me that I was perfect and that one day we would get married and be together forever. I’m 19 and he is 18 so I guess it was one of those “in the moment” things. I believed that he really did love me because he showed it very well and always told me.
I just need more advise, should I just move on and keep giving him space or should I try to talk to him again?
I suffer from low self esteem. I am constantly comparing myself to other girls and coming up short. This causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety. I had a boyfriend for five years who was very good looking. We started dating when I was 17. I actually thought he might be gay because he liked me. I started acting out from my feelings of inadequecy, and put distance between us. He went out with his friends one night and met another girl. He just walked away. The thing is I know he loved me, I just was impossible to be in a relationship with. Please tell me your thoughts on this.
My guy wanted some space first is was 1 month then I said that it was too long so then he said 2 weeks but did not call until the 4 week. He called , We talked some and then the conversation got quiet, I did not ask anything about the relationship at that time. Since then he has texted me twice and emailed me but has not asked to see me. I am troubled and really upset that after 11/2 yrs he would act like this so disrespectful. We never fought but when we had issues we always talked them out. Some guy told me to move on, he is not coming back. But then why does he text me and think about me. I can tell. I really care for him but I am at the point , I don’t want to play this game. Since he has not asked to see me, in his head is it over? Should I contact him and ask to see him to get closure or just leave it alone for my well being. I know that this man loved me, he was even trying to buy a house where I live since we were long distance. But since then I will be moving to the city where he lives for my new job, he texted me and asked about my job and if I need help finding a place. What am I to think, I will not be his friend we had too much going on and being his friend would only make me look like I had no dignity or respect for myself.
Great post! You nailed exactly how I (being a man) feel sometimes and what is it I need to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship.
My long distance boyfriend told me he wanted a break after a year and I was blindsided. He was going through a divorce when we met and I spent a month with him over the summer and it was great. I saw us having a future and he wanted the same, but things started to change when he purchased a business. He became distant and less calls and texts from him. When I asked what was going on, he just said he was busy right now with his business. I said I wanted to keep in touch since I didn’t want us to lose interest because he said he didn’t want a break up and he didn’t want to see anyone else and that his feelings for me had not changed. However, I talked with him today after 3 weeks of letting him be and he contacted me once and I twice for Veteran’s Day and to let him know my sister had her baby. He said he would love to have a relationship with me but not right now and that his only focus was his daughter and his business. He didn’t want to be cold or heartless but right now he could not give 100% to our relationship due the two reasons before. He also said it was not fair for me to wait on him to figure out his life and that he really didn’t know what he wanted. So i said then I guess we need to end this and he paused for a long time and his voiced cracked and said ok. I then knew he didn’t want this so I said I was willing to wait until he was ready but in return I wanted us to continue to keep in touch just to see how each of was doing and I did not expect 3 hour phone calls . Was I wrong to say this and should I end this and get on with my life without him and hope he will change his mind? He says he loves me but now he can’t give me the time and he doesn’t know how long it will take. Please help!
@ Carmen: It sounds like he is seemingly giving you the break up power to take the load off himself. The whole pause and okay thing was a joke just good acting skills. He may not know what he wants but if he wanted you he would have said so. Let him go on with out keeping in touch it is not fair to you.
I’ve been dating Mr. B for 8 months now. About 3 weeks ago he said “I Love you” and we’ve been on a roller coaster ever since. It seems like since he’s said it, the sweet, generous man I started to date has start to disappear. Right after he said it, he went “underground” for a few days…when he reappeared, he said he wanted a full time girl (we’re long distance). I took it as him breaking up with him….the next day he asked to come and see me, we had a very long heart to heart and were okay (I thought). Three weeks later, he says he feels like he needs more freedom, he wants a girlfriend that is there, and that he needs time and space. So…I’m giving it to him. I haven’t contacted him since he said all that. He texted me this morning to say he hoped I had a good weekend, and to have a good Monday as well. My response was “My weekend with my daughter was good, thank you. I hope yours was good too”. (although I hope it was more like him reaching for me in the night and finding me not there, lying there missing me…) HIs response “It was okay, definitely different than what I’m used to”. We’ve spent nearly every weekend together for the past 8 months.
It’s only been a few days since his announcement for space. Surely he wouldn’t text me if his weekend had been different in a “great, she’s gone!” sort of way, would he?
I’m wondering how to talk to him if he approaches me…I don’t want to overdo anything…and I honestly need some time and attention from him (if being together is what he wants) to rebuild that trust again. I can’t live on the roller coaster. I won’t punish him for pulling away like the rubber band or going into his cave (Mars/Venus) but I won’t just fall into his life again, however HE wants it.
Any thoughts or words, I’d sure love to hear. I miss my man…miss our “us”…I only hope to regain it, but in the mean time I’m doing my best to stop going over it in my mind and instead just LIVE.
Hi. I am hoping someone can help me w/ my current situation w/ my Fiance. We have been together for approximately 6 yrs-ever since he came home from being in the Army; and finally got engaged a little over 2yrs ago. He is going to be 29yrs old and I am 37. We have always pratically lived together and bought a house together in 2007. He also has a son from a previous marriage he had at a younger age who just turned 8 and whom I have been in his life for almost 7yrs. Throughout the years we have been through so much together as a couple. He just told me he feels in his heart he has to try and make it on his own, without me, his family, anyone. Wants to prove to himself that he can take care of himself all by himself. States he feels he needs to prove this to himself before he gets too old; feels that if he was to stay now that he would not be anymore of the man I deserve or the man he wants to be. I am established significanlty in my own career and have been since we have been together. He has been on/off w/ school and/or other vocational jobs w/ nothing ever taking until now; now he is enrolled as a full time journalism major. I have always been the breadwinner-paying the majority of the bills and have always supported his school.
In regards to our relationship, well we are taking a break and I am giving him his space, he has begun to move some of his things out of the house-mostly clothes and grooming products. He is not saying the relationship is over but he is also not saying he knows we will get back together, he says he just doesnt know what the future holds for us. Trust me, there is no one else, he loves me completely and was extremely heartbroken and crying about his decision to leave-at least for now. Just want some insight into what is going on and if I should have hope that we will be together again one day, hopefully soon. Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this post and respond. Of course I am beyond devastated as I thought he was my future and family, we have been building a life together for the last 6yrs.
I just saw your comment after I posted mine. I am in sort of the same situation. I am looking for advice too but I know how you feel. I feel lost. My boyfriend cheated on me after 6 years and I made him move out. I miss him and would like to work it out but he is saying the same thing that he needs to learn to be a man. How long have you been split up? We have been apart for 8 weeks and I don’t know what to do. I feel like my life is on hold.
I really need some advice. I was in a relationship for over 6 years and found out that he cheated on me. So, I kicked him out. We talked a few days after he left and then I quit accepting his calls. Finally I talked to him after about a week and he was saying that he needed time to learn to be more responsible and be a better man for me. He said that we could date. So, I thought we were going to work things out. So, I made a huge mistake and went and spent the night with him. A few days later I said something about when he comes back home and he freaked. He said that he never said he was coming home. I told him that he was confusing me. Well, after that I told him that I could not talk to him that I needed space. A week later he called for 3 days and finally left a message saying how much he missed me so I gave in and called. He said that he wanted to come talk to me but never showed up. He is driving me crazy. So I saw him 3 days ago and ofcourse I didn’t control myself and got emotional. I told him to just tell me that it was over but he said that he couldn’t tell me that. He told me that he has thought about coming home a million times that this is home to him but he promised himself that he was going to take this time to be more responsible. I am always the one that took care of everything and everyone keeps telling him that he needs to quit depending upon me. The next day he came by to get mail and everything was fine we talked but not about us. Later that day he texted me from work and we talked. Then yesterday he didn’t call or text. I texted him and he didn’t respond. I really love him and would like to work things out but I don’t know what to do. It has been 8 weeks and some days I feel like I am going crazy. I have been taking better care of myself and trying to focus on myself but I really miss him. I have a feeling he is seeing someone. I really just want to be able to move on one way or another. It is so easy for everyone to tell me to just move on but I really feel like we could work it out. I don’t know what to do. Should I stop talking to him again?
I too am in the same boat. My now ex bf broke up with me in September right after the start of the fall semester *we are both juniors in college. He claimed he didn’t know what he wanted, and yet that same day, I found out from him that he was dating his ex gf from HS’s cousin. So, how do I move on? It’s been 4 months since I last talked/saw him. I can’t get him off my mind. Do I just give up on us getting back together? I have tried dating two other guys in the time since we broke up, but neither of them were what I wanted…him. Help. Need advice.
Can u please help here. We have been together with my boyfriend for 5 years. We are engaged to get married. Last month,January we had an argument that ended up very bad. He cheated on me before (last year 2011) and as a result got hiv, because i love him, i decided to marry him (stupid , but i love him). Guess how he got that? from the ex gf he was denying seeing her all the past 4 years.
I supported him and we got engaged. nb I am not hiv positive since we are using protection.
We fought about him taking another person out to restaurant and refuse to take me, saying he does not have money. I am not sure who that person is whether its a he or she, but he said it was a he. I said some terrible things to him,maybe because i lost trust on hime. I trusted him alot.
But then after about 2 days, I apologised for treating him bad on that day. He asked for a space of a month (the whole of february), which I agreed. I called him during the space trying to help him make up his mind. at the end of the month he said he is still undecided and asked further 3 weeks to make a decision.
What do you think i should do in this situation? I have apologised and told him i am willing to make our relationship work. Should i end things and move on.
Good Morning Kaneisha,
I stumbled on your page this past weekend and have truly been trying to make sense of my situation. I’m so confused. Both my ex and I are in the military he is stationed in TX and I’m stationed in LA we are 6 hrs apart. In the begining we would drive to each other every other weekend but it got to hard..military duties and work got in the way. I would fly to see him whenever I could and he would come to LA to see me. We’ve been together 2 yrs. About 6 months in he asked me to marry him to which of course I said yes! But he started pressuring me for the date, so I set the date and found the church..around that time I had to go to a school for my job.. I was away for 2 wks when we got in a horrible fight about him getting out of the military without a job/education to fall back on. My phone died mid conversation. The next morning he ended the engagement over a text message and wouldnt speak for me for 2 months. One night I’m sitting in my bed watching tv and he texts me, “look at the moon” I go outside and under my balcony..there he is..telling me he loves me and misses me that he’s so sorry blah blah blah.. I take him back.. this is the man I want to marry.. now 5 months later he breaks it off over a text … again. This time I let him go. So 1 wk later I’m sent to TX to work for a wk. I went to his apartment..I knew I would never get the chance again, and I felt I needed the closure. We ended up talking for hours and then he made a move on me. We ended up hooking up for a week together every night that I was there he was either at my hotel or I was at his apartment. We went out with old friends. Went to the bars. And everyone that asked I was “his girlfriend” and the second a guy came to talk to me he would be by my side kissing my cheek or holding my hand.
Then on my last day he kissed me goodbye and told me it wouldnt be the last time we saw each other. He called last wed. and we talked..he used those words “I don’t know what I want, I need time to find myself. The long distance is killing me.” But before I had left he said he would give it a month, because he would miss me. I’m so torn. I told him he was just dragging me along and leading me on keeping me on the back burner. We havent talked since. I don’t know what to do, he’s the man for me. He just can’t tell me that I’m the “one” for him anymore.
What do I do?
P.S. He gets out of the military in Dec. and could move to LA to be with me if he wanted to..but he isnt really making that an option anymore. What the heck is going on with this crazy man?
Thank you,
Hi Kaneisha! You have been so helpful and enlightening! I’ve been going absolutely nuts for the past four months and really really need your help! I met a guy a few months ago, who was going to study abroad 2 months after i met him for a 5 months, however that didnt stop me from pursing the situation, we hit it off instantly, we spent every moment together, i even ended up moving in with him temporarily before he left abroad within a week after dating him, everything seemed perfect…the first week we were together i saw that he had in a relationship on FB, when i confronted him about it, he told me that they had broken up but he never got around to taking it down, but that same exact day he did take it down (so i thought nothing of it)…before leaving to europe i told him that i wanted to be his gf, when he came back, he replied that he doesnt know if thats what he wants becuz he doesnt how he will feel, or if things will change in 5 months so he doesnt want to make that commitment….which was completely understandable but when he went abroad, he barely contacted me and i noticed that he was commenting on his alleged ex gf’s pictures. I decided to go visit him in Europe…he acted really distant, when I asked him if he wanted to be with his ex gf when he got back…he replied “that he doesnt know”…well one day he left his fb on and i read msgs that he sent to his ex gf, which were very similar to the msgs he sent me stating that he really misses her and how beautiful she is…after i saw that, I blocked him from fb, ran off to another city and never saw him again…he tried contacting my friend who came with me asking her where i was, she replied that she is hurt and youll have to fix things, but he never replied back to her….its been a month now…he has not found a way to contact me (although i made it really hard by blocking the only communication which was fb)…..hes coming back in a few weeks…so my question is, what is going through his head? what does he feel about me? if when him and I were together in the States everything seemed so perfect and he wanted to be with me every second of the day, did spending all those moments together mean nothing to him? what should i do when he gets back? Should I contact him, since I was the one who cut him off?
Hi Kaneisha – am so pleased I stumbled upon this thread, i’m in a very similar position, ive been ‘friends with benefits’ with a guy i’m in love with for almost 2 years now and while part of me thinks it’s better than nothing the other part thinks i deserve more. Problem is this guy is also my best friend so by cutting him off i’d lose a lot! We’ve had ‘the conversation’ several times and most recently he’s said he doesnt know what he wants. I wish I ws stronger but i dont feel
Like i can move on. We’ve got a 2 week holiday booked in July – i hope it’ll go one way or another. Any advice?!
hey kaneisha. i have been through it all. he did say this to me too . he told me he doesnt see our relationship going anywhere and that it would be wise to be friends again. i did flip out for a bit but then after a day i gave him the option to go ahead and walk out on me. he just wouldnt stop calling and texting me after that and on the 3rd day he was BACK! but i dont get it ,he suddenly wanted to make things work out between us and wanted to take the chance of taking our relationship to the next level but now again he’s started to derail. he has again started acting like a jerk around me. we had this conversation again 2days back and i again asked him to make a choice rightnow since it would get too tough for me to move on if GODFORBID something goes wrong in the long run. he refused my offer and said he wanted us to be together but i dont know his attitude has been very very disappointing lately: one day he’s mr.Right and the very next day he just turns into this despicable personality i wouldnt even want to talk to:s what is this?am i over reacting?or is it just a phase?i need some really good advice from you kaniesha since i see you as the only person who could help me out rightnow
I’m going through this stupidness right now. After a night together where everything was normal, him holding me all night, he tells me the next morning at breakfast he wants a break or space or whatever and that he didn’t have me prioritized right – he had A LOT going on right now. I told him I didn’t want to end it, that would be throwing away a great relationship, and that I didn’t run when things got ugly. That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard a thing. I’d like to take your advice, but still let him know that I still care and am still here for him, because no one ever has. But, from what you’re saying, I shouldn’t contact him at all – I just go about living my life, doing my thing, and he contacts me if he wants to rebuild the relationship? It’s so raw still, the hole is still so freshly cut and it hurts very badly because it was very much out of nowhere, but I know I can be strong, despite the fact I miss him and our relationship more than anything. So can I let him know I care after say, 5 days, of not hearing from him? Or nothing at all??
Jenni, my friend Kate wrote a post to answer your question: http://wp.me/p1rWj7-q3
I found your article after hearing those dreaded words and trying to figure out what they meant!! ://
. Thank you for posting it!! I think I’m going through a number 2 right now… but am going CRAZY in the meantime inside… Could you please give me your opinion if you have a chance? Thank you 
My boyfriend of a year (long distance) sent me an email after a spat we had saying he didn’t want to break up but wasn’t 100% sure of our relationship. He wants to keep going as we are, but wanted me to know this. I reacted by just acting as normal. A few days later he asked if I received the message, I said yes asked if there something he wanted to say about it. He replied ‘nothing’, then started off very negative but then finally ended up saying he wished he could feel more like ‘the man’ in the relationship and that I could just relax and feel safe in his arms. If we could do this, he said, things would be easier for us. (My father died earlier this year and I was ill, during this time we were together and I wasn’t able to go out or act ‘as usual’ due to the circumstances.) He said he wants me to look to him for support. After that email, I just continued to act ‘as usual’ except I stopped sending him daily emails / etc. He continued to chat but his mood seemed distance. A mutual friend told me was having hard times business wise and was watching his career slowly die in front of him and was having lots of disappointments with ‘friends’ not coming through for him and that he was generally acting short tempered which is unlike him. Finally, after three weeks, my bf tells me he’s going to change careers and was broke like never before, but that it will all be fine. Later that week, he returned to his own country and that very day he wants to video chat, have me speak to his mother, sister, brother, show me what’s going on at his home. The mood change was like day and night. We are meeting in a few days to go to my hometown for a month. He said he wants to meet my mom and paint her house. He’s spoken to her with me on skype many times. I am not sure what is going on, he hasn’t mentioned the relationship thing. I feel really bad about his work situation, but his words of ‘wanting to be the man’ and his not telling me what was going on until just recently makes me wonder what sort of encouragement I could while remembering his ‘want to be the man’ words. I was supposed to be moving to his country this fall. I will be starting a small export business (motorcycles) to Canada from my present location, and was casually talking to him about this, he said that I could do this in his country too, and that he would find out whatever info I needed. He was very happy with the summer postcard I sent to his mother, written in her language (I have been taking lessons, and even after he sent that message, he was still trying to help me study) and was reading it to me, showing it to me on skype the day he got back home.
Do you think his email was mini-break up, or just as he stated, not sure and waiting things out? Or the situation with work and things not working out well for him this past month just made everything seems too much? Thank you for your time.
Reading this all has made me think, A LOT!
My boyfriend of a year and 1/2 suddenly sprung the idea of a break on me because he needed ‘space’ and didn’t know if our relationship was ever going to go back to how perfect it was. He said this made him question whether we had a future together or whether it was a question of sooner or later we would split. I was so shocked, it was so out of the blue. He said his feelings aren’t the same anymore.. but he’s so confused and keeps changing his what seems like everyday. We mutually broke up last night because I couldn’t deal with his indecisiveness and it felt as if he was stringing out a break up and if he loved me he would want this. But he said he would probably regret all this and realise in his own time and want to speak to me and have me in his life. Just he can’t see it working at the moment. He showed no signs of wanting to make it work, just saying it ‘can’t’. I know another girl is not involved. But should I have any hope whatsoever that he’ll snap out of this when we’re apart over the next few weeks? He said he’s not feeling himself and doesn’t know what caused it. Or is this wishful thinking? I’m so lost girls.
Some things seem to not have answers. We can replay all of the “break up” moments and words in our head a thousand times and it still won’t make sense. You think about it and it just doesn’t have any answers. It’s frustrating. I think, time, is different in a man’s mind. I really do. I think they process time differently than us women do. We think ‘oh my god he said he’d call tomorrow’ and tomorrow is now two weeks, and then the phone rings. LOL. Like it was yesterday. Ahh, may you find happiness.
Everything was perfect with my guy of 2 years.. (or so I thought) and then I get “We need a break. I need some space. I’m so confused. I love you, but I can’t see us being together forever. I don’t feel the same anymore. I don’t know what to do. Am I making a massive mistake? I don’t feel like myself. I know I will regret this. I don’t know if things will go back to how they were.” – Massively confused boy! This continued with us barely seeing eachother or speaking for 2 weeks, until I had enough of not sleeping/eating and being in this emotional limbo and said, I cannot do this. If you feel differently in a month or two let me know, but right now I cannot this to myself, because I am looking out for number 1. We officially broke up yesterday. Am I kidding myself that he will come to his senses whilst we are split? We were so perfect. He was my first love and I his. It seems like such a waste. I am trying to be strong and be a true Crazy Girl and look out for myself but it’s so damn hard!! I love your blog, you have made me feel POSITIVE, despite my breaking heart.
Well, I made myself a new dating profile.
So, I was seeing the guy for 7 months, met online, talked for 2 months before meeting, so 9 month I guess. Two weeks ago, I get The Speech. We need to talk…he said he doesn’t know if it’s fair to take me on his roller-coaster ride of life. He doesn’t know what he wants. I sat and listened. No crying, offered support. Said, if you don’t know what you’re looking for, I can’t help you but I can be there to help you figure it out. He said, I’m probably going to be kicking myself for letting you go. About 2 weeks before The Talk I had asked him if there was something wrong, if we need To Talk. he said No but obviously it was a trigger point and he started thinking, yea, I guess we need to talk. he owed up to not seeing me as much as he should be. he said he should be seeing me every weekend and more during the week. he said, he hasn’t even seen his guy friend. he said he is not seeing anyone else and we did not “break up” due to another woman. it’s awfully frustrating. we kissed a little, we hugged goodbye. He said if he misses me in a week then he will know “breaking” up is not the right thing to do. he said he’d call, either way.
Just doesn’t know where his life is going. He’s got a dating profile still, actively seeking a long term relationship. Funny, me to.
I’m so thankful for your advice. Every time i get the urge to text or call, I come here and read this. It saves me. Thank you, thank you all for all of your comments. let’s try to be strong, for as much as it sucks…
Hi Kaneisha,
I find your post truly inspiring and hope it helps me keep my distance from my Mr. L. We began dating a little more than 5 months ago and everything was going well at the beginning; we were getting to know each other and obviously could not get enough of each other. About a month or so later we had a discussion about where it was going and although we clearly had the same intention – to develop a real relationship, it seemed clear that I was more ready to take the leap than he was at that moment. Reason for this is that he had recently split with his long-term ex who had left him with what I can only imagine as a very broken heart, he loved her deeply and saw himself with her far into the future. I could not give up on the chance of being with him, as at that point I was already falling in love with him, and although he knew this very well we continued dating as I told him I did not want to abandon before seeing what we could truly have with each other. Three or so months passed and we never got to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, and although we were enjoying each others company as much as I would consider in a relationship, during these months at some point he became less available and more distant. Several times I freaked out on him, emotional about why he seemed to be less interested in me and didn’t seem to want to see me as often as he used to. Every time he put up with my freakouts and excused me like there was nothing to it. He seemed to need lots of alone time and I figured it could not be bad for him, to think his feelings over, and so I did the best I could to endure the distance when it happened even though I was freaking out every time. Recently, after almost 3 months of avoiding the subject about what he was feeling and where this was going, which I avoided to avoid putting pressure on him, we had a quite emotional discussion where I clearly came out with how I saw myself with him, having kids, etc. and that I was finding it difficult to be lingering in this uncertainty. I did not want him to think I was giving him an ultimatum as I knew this would simply make him run, but I told him that I was feeling the need to know draw closer and he agreed he could tell, and that he had some thinking to do. He told me he did not know what to answer now as he simply did not know what he wanted, and seemed genuinely conflicted about it. A week went by after this emotional discussion and we barely spoke, and although I was doing my best to give him space to think, I was going completely nuts and fearing for the worst. I cracked and left him a message, telling him I needed to talk… needed to hear his voice, to have some reassurance that he still wanted to talk to me, and to see me. He called me back and the result was he could no longer continue seeing me, he could see he was causing me a lot of grief and did not want to hurt my feelings, he no longer felt comfortable seeing me. He insisted we meet a few days later in person, which we did, and it was a trying moment for me. I could not stop crying, telling him once and for all (because I avoided sharing too much of my feelings with him previously considering it could pressure him) how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, how I had never seen myself so happy and far into my own future with someone. I asked him every question I could think of; if he didn’t want to be with me because I just didn’t have all he wanted in a girlfriend, if he had been with me just for companionship, etc. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about in those regards, his intentions had always been sincere, he had hopes also but was at a point where he just didn’t know, and could not keep going like this. He told me he some soul-searching and/or cleaning to do with his emotions and that he did not know what he would discover. I told him I had noticed his distance at some point in our dating and thought that he perhaps began fearing heartbreak, that he was not over his ex perhaps and that he was not ready. He told me he didn’t love her anymore but doesn’t know if there is anything else keeping him from moving on. I begged him to discover what his true feelings are for me through his journey, because I truly believe we have something special and that we are worth a second chance. He assured me I would be the first to know if he discovers feelings of love for me. He left telling me to keep in touch, to call if I needed to talk to him, that he would think of me and to take care of myself. I sobbed and told him again for the third time that night that loved him and he left. Since then I am a complete wreck, and I have written him a small letter telling him that I would not keep in touch for a little while, not sure how long but that I need time for myself, for the pain and to get used to the fact that we may never be together. I want to heal from the wound, but find it hard to let go of that dream, as I have high hopes that he will figure out what he wants and hopefully will want me. But in the meantime I do not want to wait around for him, I cannot know how long this will take, or even if his conclusion will be positive for us anyways. I intend on feeling better before I talk to him again, but I do not want to ignore him forever for fear that we will grow apart. Perhaps my heart is too fragile at this moment to think of letting go. If you have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. And although I know very well that meeting someone else is my best ticket to moving on, this heartbreak is tougher than almost all of those I’ve lived, with exception of my first boyfriend.
I will continue reading your helpful posts on your website and hope that you or any of the girls who visit this post may have advice for my situation.
Thanks,
Francia
Hey, I have a similar yet confusing story. My boyfriend of a year, who I have known for over 5 years, recently decided to tell me that he didn’t see a future with me and so we shouldn’t keep dating. He is only 21, I am only 20. We have a very happy relationship, I am his first love, and he literally has the most amazing and compatible personality. After a whole discussion about trying to figure out what to do, he told me that he wanted to be single because he needed time to figure himself out, etc. He told me he was being selfish, he just didn’t want this to be harder breaking up a year from now. However, we never resolved anything. We didn’t decide to break up because clearly I didn’t want to -this ‘break up’ came as a complete surprise to me. Towards the end, we both became extremely tired and both wanted to go to our separate houses and sleep. I asked him, what now?, and he responded, I don’t know, give me some time to think. I texted him an hour later telling him that I really cared about him and because of this I was willing to give him time he needed to think, but I asked him if he really wanted a break or if he wanted to break up. He told me that he had wanted to break up but now he didn’t know what he wanted. He asked me again to give him a few days to think things through. Now here I am, 3 days later, anxiously awaiting to hear from him. It’s killing me to wait -wondering if love is enough to bring him back. Do you think that he will come back? He is seriously the sweetest man I know, and he would never leave me hanging on an answer -but I know this is new territory for him- I am his first love. I don’t know if we are broken up because neither of us have made it official, so I have hopes that he will come around after missing me. Is this right to think?
im actually need some advice as well. I have been with my BF for 1 1/2 and been living together that long as well. in the beginning was awesome he gave me soo much attention and everything was great … well then real life sets i and we got busy and had less time to see each other. Now school is over for me so now i have lots of time and he’s getting even busier with his businesses. so recently i have felt neglected and that he doesn’t care. i bring up this topic plenty of times and now he says he doesn’t know what he wants and that i should move out…. as i attempted to start packing he stops me and says you don’t have to do it now… just give me some time…i said but you just said for me to go and that i shouldn’t changed your mind so thats what im doing… he says just don’t do anything.. ut give me some time. My questions is how much time and we live together so how do i do that. when i come home from work i actually enjoy staying home and so does he, so how do you give space when we live together and how to know if things will be back to normal. i think my problem is that i seek that affection he once gave me when we met, but in know things change in a relationship and i got to change with it. i asked if he still loves me he says yes of course. so what should i do? also next week were moving into a bigger apt that he was going to surprise me with but i ruined it bc during the argument i said that he doesn’t consider my feelings and that he doesnt care about the relationship. he then put a paper in my face of a new lease for the apt i wanted. he is a doer with his actions not his words.. but im used to hearing words as well. will this relationship be ok. if he was set in his mind for me to move out i should be out already right. also im worried that next week he may just say ok i made up my mind and that i should go .. ugh
Hi everyone! My boyfriend of a year just told me “im not sure what i want” about 2 weeks ago. I would like to have him back but im unsure how to go about it. I do know that because my personality has changed a bit due to family stress and a little depression but ive been working on myself for about 4 months now and ive improved a whole lot, im almost back to my original self. I have already started focusing on myself and being who I want. Ive heard from a mutual friend that he still kind of has feelings for me and he does contact me every few days. My question is what does “space” actually mean? Like not contacting for awhile or just limiting the converstation? Also if someone could offer some advice on how to win him back that would be great! Thanks
Exactly how I handled it the other day, and it felt amazing to stand my ground, as much as I wanted to convince him how to feel. Now I don’t feel so crazy. Thanks for this.
I started dating this guy and we started falling in love… we spent all our time together and expressed our deep feelings for each other everyday. Previously he was in an 8 yr relationship with a woman that treated him like crap and never spent time with him and was very self centered and manipulative. They split for a while but then a year ago he purposed to her because she seemed to of changed. Shortly after he left her and she has been treating him like crap since. A couple weeks ago he told her to leave him alone, he was seeing someone else and all of sudden she started confessing her love for him and how she wants him back and how much she has changed. After a few days he told me that it was messing with his head and feelings he thought were gone were still there and he needed time to think. I gave him his space and time and after the long weekend he told me he was going to give her another chance because he loves her too much. He has also told me that his guard is up with her and she has to prove she has changed. He has told me that he does love me and his feeling are genuine but its not fair for him to be with me if he has feelings somewhere else. He still texts me short responses if I text him… sometimes but he doesnt respond at night… last time we saw each other when he told me all this he gave me like 5 long hungs and a peck on the mouth…. I know he still cares for me.. and I know she is going to hurt him again…. I will take him back when he comes to his senses… I have been where he is at so I understand what he is going through…. but if we are still friends like we both want to be… should I not contact him at all? If he doesnt contact me on his own does that mean there is no hope of him realizing he made a mistake? By the way all his friends and family think that he is crazy for going back to her…
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