The most dreaded words in a relationship are “We need to talk.” It always means you’re about to get the break-up talk. I know this phrase well, having used it and heard it several times in my dating life. But there’s a second phrase, one that isn’t as clear but also strikes panic in many women’s hearts. I heard it just this weekend from Mr. C:
“I’m not sure what I want right now.”
What you mean you ain’t sure what you want right now?! That’s how I’d like to react when I hear those words. (And let’s admit it, that is what my reaction often has been.) But I’ve learned a lot since my Dating Dummy days, and I now realize that this phrase is one that women must watch out for and have a plan for dealing with.
I used to think this phrase was a cop-out, something guys used so they could keep sleeping with you without having to commit to you. And for some guys, maybe it is. However, after much reading, reflection, and trial and error, I now realize that it is a man expressing his genuine confusion. If he didn’t want to be with you, he’d say so directly, stop calling you and asking you out (the favorite of many guys), or be such a jerk that you have to break up with him (the favorite of the cowards).
Time for a quiz!
After several months of dating, if a guy says that he doesn’t know what he wants, should you:
a) Scream “But I already organized our engagement party! What will everyone think?!” Surely, he will then realize that this relationship is on—whether he wants it to be or not.
b) Calmly outline for him all the reasons you see why the two of you should stay together. With your help, he’ll see more clearly what a huge mistake he is about to make.
c) Tell him, “I understand. Take as much time as you need to figure out what you want.” Then go about your life as a newly single woman.
d) All of the above in that order.
If you chose A, you have successfully run him off for good. When men say the dreaded phrase, it is often because they are overwhelmed with the amount of attention and intensity the woman is bringing to the relationship. You have just shown him how truly crazy you really are.
If you chose B, you are what I call the Perfectly Reasonable Dater. You think it’s “perfectly reasonable” that he doesn’t know what he wants, and that it’s “perfectly reasonable” for you to compile a list to convince him that the two of you belong together forever. If you can just convince him that you are right, everything will be great. The Perfectly Reasonable Dater is the same woman who always seems to find a Perfectly Reasonable explanation for why none of her relationships work out (“He has abandonment issues. You know, because his mom lost him at the grocery store that one time”). Stay away from this trap of rationalization!
If you chose C, you are a Dating Diva, a woman who knows how to date with dignity and without fear. This is the answer because men do not do anything they do not want to do. Yes, you can convince a man to stay with you after he says this phrase. With the help of my well-honed debate skills learned at Harvard, I’ve done it before myself. But you can’t convince that man to love you, cherish you, and be engaged in the relationship.
When a man says this phrase, the best thing you can do is give him space and move on with your life. Men process experiences and emotions much more slowly than women. They could easily coast in a relationship for years and wake up one day to realize they are completely miserable. Give the guy time to think. Don’t try to help him think it through. Don’t try to “be there” for him. Give him time to miss you. Men fall in love with women when they long for them—not when they are persuaded to be with them.
This is not easy to do. It’s painful, it’s frustrating, and it’s especially hard for us Crazy Girls who are used to making things happen in every other aspect of our lives. This is one instance when you should not try to make anything happen. Let what is supposed to happen—you two being together or not—happen without your finagling or fegulery (thanks to Ms. B for that word).
Giving a man space to figure things out does not mean he’ll figure things out in the way you want him to—which is why you have to really move on. If he realizes he can’t live without you, he’ll come back. And then if there is still room in your life and in your heart for him, the two of you can discuss getting back together. Men go after what they want—especially when they know exactly what they are missing, so there’s never a need to chase after a man who says he doesn’t know what he wants. However, many times, the guy realizes that no, he does not want the relationship. And that’s okay too. So this is me letting Mr. C think and letting Mr. C go.
As much as I would have loved to put on my Ms. Smart Girl hat and mind-bully him into staying with me, I know that letting him go was the right choice. The fearless choice.
So my Crazy Girls, now I am single again.
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Kaneisha! Babe, thank you so much for channeling your frustration and sadness into these words. This one is a DIFFICULT one to learn, but your experience and reflection is the truth, no matter how hard it is to accept. These matters of the heart MUST be reciprocal, otherwise what will they become? How will they feed us? I respect you infinitely, my scorpio, crazy girl goddess! XO y MUCHO amor!
He will come back since you ended it with dignity. They always do, I promise. There just aren’t that many chicks out there that don’t have a secret case of “I’m crazy after you get to know me.” He’ll be back…(of course this is conditonal upon that he doesn’t read this post because he has to feel he made the revelation). This is why I have dated almost every one of my boyfriends at least twice. This is sort of stupid in cases where the guy was a jerk to begin with but a great idea when the guy is a keeper and he just needed some time.
There’s another reason why C is the answer. Having that attitude is good for YOUR soul! Never mind whether he realizes you’re a catch, comes graveling back, etc. By the time you finish saying the sentence “Go ahead, boo, take all the space and time that you need,” you should be hatching YOUR next adventure, dating or otherwise. Who cares what he’s thinking about – you are on to bigger and better things, building your life, your happiness, your stock of interesting stories to tell, your sense of humor, your PRIDE in yourself.
I understand that saying goodbye to someone you care about and hoped to have more with can be excruciating, but trust me that thinking about how he’ll behave after you say goodbye is not the way to heal and move on. Focusing on YOURSELF is how you’ll find happiness again, maybe in newfound emotional strength, a new romance, or a totally new life experience that you wouldn’t have discovered but for the newly freed time you now have.
In solidarity,
Lady V
Hi Lady V! Thank you so much for your powerful comment. I completely agree. I know everything you said is dead on in my head–but it’s quite hard for me to actually believe it and internalize it. So I’m getting better at doing the ACTIONS of a confident, happy, secure, independent woman, but it’s still hard to not agonize over how things might turn out. I’m learning, day by day. Thanks for joining me on this journey!
I’ve recently had that statement said to me. And it was awful. We were in a huge argument (one of 600 because I’m a crazy girl…and can’t control my crazy whims) and we decided to take some space. 4 days later I broke down and called him. We talked some and decided to just be friends. What kills me is it is my craziness (my unnecessary craziness…my once a month craziness) that rips me apart from good things. I guess I should say that the one I’m with needs to understand my craziness but honestly how can I ask that when I don’t even understand it?! Just friends is a smart idea but boy does it ache!
Hi Emily! It sounds like you could benefit from reading Never Let Him See You Sweat. We are two CrazyGirl peas in a pod! You’ve got to learn to control your crazy whims, because they are likely sabotaging your relationships. Remember that no man is going to “complete” you or “make you happy”. You’ve got to have that yourself. He’s there to make things better–not to make things what they should be. Take some time away from the guy–no contact whatsoever–and see if he comes around. If he doesn’t, move on with your life and date other people. Just try to keep the tantrums to a minimum. They don’t serve you, and don’t help you really communicate what you’re trying to get across.
Funny, this statement was said to me this past week and again this weekend. I flipped out. I was at his apartment and I was angry. (keep in mind i controlled my actions, but inside my head i was throwing furniture all around!) I told him i was a concrete person and couldn’t understand not understanding what he wanted. I then took my phone and threw it on the floor and said “either my phone is on the floor or it isn’t…”. He laughed.
Eventually we decided friends was best. After we made this decision he asked me “well, what do we do now?” and i responded confidently “well, I leave, I go home, and I get over you and move on.” He quickly asked “well what if you don’t get over me?” and i responded, “give me a few days and I’ll go back to what i do best…..(short pause) well, I’m outta here. I’ll see you the next time I see you.”
Funny thing is, he told me to stay and that he wanted to continue talking. He ended up buying me dinner that night and we watched a movie. Guys certainly do need time to think it over, and with my knowledge of this experience and this lovely article i ran across, I have learned that if you show the guy you could care less about the outcome, this helps them think it over quicker. They also can’t take pressure to make any decision at all. What would the world be without women?
A couple days later he texted me asking me why i wasn’t there hanging out with him.
Good luck to any girl who has this situation. It’s extremely frustrating.
Hi Lisa! Sounds like you’ve got the “shrug and prance away” routine down pat! Did you end up getting back together with the guy after all? I find that first two weeks back together after they’ve thought it through can be a little rocky. I wish you the best!
oh er I have just spent the day with my husband of nearly eleven years who has been messing me about since the end of Sept backwards and forwards to another woman, although he has rung text or been to see me every day. Two weeks ago I had had enough and decided to just get on with my life.He started to panic saying things like don’t give up on me yet i really do still love you. This morning he was saying he wanted to bring his clothes in from the car and he wanted to be back with his proper family! I asked him if he had told her he said he would ring her now and tell her. I said until he had done that my answer is no. He went to meet her in fact she was waiting in her car across the road for me to go out . After he had met with her he was completely confused and didn’t know what he wanted. I said he should go away from us both and think about things but I was going to get on with my life. He has now gone and really I feel like poo. Does that mean my answer was C?
Hi, Gill. First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Being cheated on hurts so badly. I’m not married, but when it happened to me (several times), my heart just broke right open. Yes, it does sound like your answer was C. Your husband doesn’t know what he wants to do right now–stay with his family or start a new life with this woman. The best thing you can do for yourself (and your children if you have any) right now is connect with a group of supportive family and friends as well as seek out a family counselor to help you through this transition. The counselor can help you explain to the children where Daddy is and what’s going on. The counselor can also help you cope with the situation. I would also suggest the book The Five Love Languages. I think it can heal a lot of relationships where the love seems to have disappeared. Read my post about the Five Love Languages here: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/11/the-five-love-languages/
Thanks for reading, Gill, and I send lots of positive energy your way.
Girl, you are preaching to me right now because the guy i’m dating said this to me a couple weeks ago, and it is still messing with my mind! We are not exclusive, but being a crazy girl, I can’t stand the fact that he could possibly not want just me. I’m also new to this whole dating thing, so i’m still working out the details of how to deal with each situation that comes my way. Hopefully your blog can help me out a bit. Right now, I am trying to just be casual about the whole thing and tell myself that if it doesn’t work out with him, there are plenty of fish in the sea!
Hey Kaneisha! Yes i did. A week later we made it official. I was so happy, but since the relationship started out with him “not being sure” I’m taking everything very slow. I asked him what made him change his mind and why it was only a week. His response was idk (OF COURSE!). ok…we’ll see. haha. I think it may also be an ego thing. If you let a guy know you obviously have more things in life than to focus on him, I think this kinda touches on something inside and gets them to decide quicker. Thanks for your time in talking to me. I happened to find your website looking for the answer to the “not knowing what he wants” question and now i visit once a day. It’s my; wake up, read with my coffee part of my day now before i head out to class. I LOVE IT!
I see your perspective and i have done the Ms.C attitude and yet he has made it a point to make sure that i dont forget him. We ended our relationship in October 2009 and then in the begining of December 2009 he started to contact me again. He mostly uses msn and then if i dont respond its him text messaging me. We talked and he told me how much he misses me(while i was giving him space to think). How he has been thinking about me, he met a few girls and there was jsut nothing there like there was between me and him….blah blah blah. Well long story short we talked and then we fooled around. The last thing he said to me was “dont be a stranger” i still do want to be friends. What a bunch of bs! Thats a man for ya. Well 2 weeks go by and out of curiosity and a gutt feeling i texted him and told him lets meet up. He msg me back saying he is busy and cant talk and then he proceeds to tell me that he started seeing soemone and it wouldnt be proper. Wow and this coming from a guy who doesnt know what he wants! i guess that he is still feeling the need to explore his options, well i didnt respond and i felt that he is jsut full of himself and that he is a dog. If he was to contact me again…which i doubt, how should i proceed with that!? Should i even bother to respond? do i ignore his calls? Pls help…im tired of these games!
Thank you, your article was great!
@Maria: This guy is a DOG! If he ever contacts you again to ask you to meet him somewhere (that’s called a booty call), tell him “Of course!” in your sweetest voice–and then never show up. And don’t answer his calls when he does call you (probably five or six times). He’ll get the message that you aren’t his doormat–or his easy lay. Thanks to Why Men Love Bitches for that move. If you want to be nice about it, just never answer another call him from again. But that’s a lot less fun.
Kaneisha, Can you please help me through a similar situation. The same thing just recently happened to me and I need some help interpretting things as my mind is a mess. He told me he doesnt know what his head and heart want anymore. He told me this the same week of valentines day, the anniversary of my daughters death, my dad was in the hospital…I have so much going on I cant think straight.
We have been together exactly a year. (He was married for 18 yrs,with his ex for a total of 21 years and they have been divorced 2 yrs. We are 37-38 years old. He dated casually before he met me but nothing serious. We started dating, he said he wanted to be exclusive and we were together constantly. We always had great times and he’s told me noone in his life has made him laugh and smile like I do.) Last week,he told me he doesn’t know what his head and heart want anymore. (In Sept, he did something similar and called me 8 hours after he broke it off as he said we needed to talk…he said he felt he was making a big mistake by letting me go.) His family feels he is afraid of moving forward. They think he still loves me as he hasn’t taken the 8×10 pic off his living room wall and still has my pic on the front of his phone. He is a country boy and I am a professional woman and he says I deserve better than him and he doesn’t want to hold me back. He continues to call me daily, usually before bed and he will text me in the mornings be careful going to work cause the roads are icy etc. When he texts me, he addresses me as “Hi sweety”, “sweet dreams baby” etc., He told me not to make plans for next Sat night as he wants to take me out for my birthday and also help me buy new tires for my car as the gift. He texts me in the evenings and asks “what are you doing?” I don’t know if he is just curious or perhaps he wants to see if I have moved on or started going out. (its only been a week so I am nowhere near that point.)I am willing to give him all the space he needs but what confuses me is he said to remain friends, hang out, go out to eat etc. Is it really possible to be friends; if either one of us start dating another, I’m certain the new bf/gf will not approve of being friends with someone you share many feelings with. Is this just a cop out for him to get over the initial lonliness until he meets someone else? Is it better to cut off completely and move on or remain friends? We still will be seeing each other as we will be in the same dance class on Wednesday nights. I know we can be friendly but should we remain friends? My thought is he is using me to help fill the lonliness he is feeling now and then he will eventually dismiss me when he moves forward. Please help me to understand this as I am trying to avoid hurting again down the road when his life is back on track with someone else. What should I do?
@Susie: Your thinking is spot on here. Your guy is jerking your heart around like a yo-yo–not because he is a bad person, but because he is making decisions from a place of fear rather than confidence and love. You have so much going on in your life right now and should really focus on your own inner healing. As wonderful as he may be, his indecision is bringing too much stress and strife into your life. Why not keep him at arm’s length for a few months while you focus on you and your priorities–one of which I hope will be counseling. You will see him in dance class, and you can be cordial to him and say hello, but don’t take any more of his calls or reply to his texts. I know this is a short answer to a very long and heartfelt question, but it’s because the solution is quite simple: FOCUS ON YOU. Don’t worry that you’ll never find another love. This guy will shape up once he sees what he’s losing or another man will come along. The priority right now is to make sure that you get your heart, mind, and spirit back in order so that you can love you before trying to love anyone else. Thank you for reading and sharing your concern.
Thanks you so much Kaneisha! Sometimes I have trouble seeing from both sides and I know you are right. I do need to give him a break and focus on myself as if I am not happy and at peace with my life, I will never be happy or have a sucessful relationship. I have been through a lot and I think I that was causing stress in our relationship. I know he is afraid of getting hurt and his way of dealing with it is pulling away…but then he ends up hurting me. This is my year and I am going to address my issues before I can move on to our issues.
@Susie: Keep me updated on your healing process! I always love a good vision board-making session! Also – don’t forget the very important step of going to counseling to have a professional help you work through the complexities. Stay in touch!
Hello, Cascade! Thank you so much for your supportive message! Thanks for reading! I didn’t know you were out there reading!
Thanks for the encouragement, Veronica! I love to hear success stories of women who date with dignity! I think that dating a guy twice after his taking time to think things through is definitely different than “on again/off again” relationships though. I think the guy gets a chance to waver at each major crossroad–becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or not, staying together long distance or not, and then at getting engaged or not. I’m not about to be dating some guy who wavers repeatedly.