The most dreaded words in a relationship are “We need to talk.” It always means you’re about to get the break-up talk. I know this phrase well, having used it and heard it several times in my dating life. But there’s a second phrase, one that isn’t as clear but also strikes panic in many women’s hearts. I heard it just this weekend from Mr. C:
“I’m not sure what I want right now.”
What you mean you ain’t sure what you want right now?! That’s how I’d like to react when I hear those words. (And let’s admit it, that is what my reaction often has been.) But I’ve learned a lot since my Dating Dummy days, and I now realize that this phrase is one that women must watch out for and have a plan for dealing with.
I used to think this phrase was a cop-out, something guys used so they could keep sleeping with you without having to commit to you. And for some guys, maybe it is. However, after much reading, reflection, and trial and error, I now realize that it is a man expressing his genuine confusion. If he didn’t want to be with you, he’d say so directly, stop calling you and asking you out (the favorite of many guys), or be such a jerk that you have to break up with him (the favorite of the cowards).
Time for a quiz!
After several months of dating, if a guy says that he doesn’t know what he wants, should you:
a) Scream “But I already organized our engagement party! What will everyone think?!” Surely, he will then realize that this relationship is on—whether he wants it to be or not.
b) Calmly outline for him all the reasons you see why the two of you should stay together. With your help, he’ll see more clearly what a huge mistake he is about to make.
c) Tell him, “I understand. Take as much time as you need to figure out what you want.” Then go about your life as a newly single woman.
d) All of the above in that order.
If you chose A, you have successfully run him off for good. When men say the dreaded phrase, it is often because they are overwhelmed with the amount of attention and intensity the woman is bringing to the relationship. You have just shown him how truly crazy you really are.
If you chose B, you are what I call the Perfectly Reasonable Dater. You think it’s “perfectly reasonable” that he doesn’t know what he wants, and that it’s “perfectly reasonable” for you to compile a list to convince him that the two of you belong together forever. If you can just convince him that you are right, everything will be great. The Perfectly Reasonable Dater is the same woman who always seems to find a Perfectly Reasonable explanation for why none of her relationships work out (“He has abandonment issues. You know, because his mom lost him at the grocery store that one time”). Stay away from this trap of rationalization!
If you chose C, you are a Dating Diva, a woman who knows how to date with dignity and without fear. This is the answer because men do not do anything they do not want to do. Yes, you can convince a man to stay with you after he says this phrase. With the help of my well-honed debate skills learned at Harvard, I’ve done it before myself. But you can’t convince that man to love you, cherish you, and be engaged in the relationship.
When a man says this phrase, the best thing you can do is give him space and move on with your life. Men process experiences and emotions much more slowly than women. They could easily coast in a relationship for years and wake up one day to realize they are completely miserable. Give the guy time to think. Don’t try to help him think it through. Don’t try to “be there” for him. Give him time to miss you. Men fall in love with women when they long for them—not when they are persuaded to be with them.
This is not easy to do. It’s painful, it’s frustrating, and it’s especially hard for us Crazy Girls who are used to making things happen in every other aspect of our lives. This is one instance when you should not try to make anything happen. Let what is supposed to happen—you two being together or not—happen without your finagling or fegulery (thanks to Ms. B for that word).
Giving a man space to figure things out does not mean he’ll figure things out in the way you want him to—which is why you have to really move on. If he realizes he can’t live without you, he’ll come back. And then if there is still room in your life and in your heart for him, the two of you can discuss getting back together. Men go after what they want—especially when they know exactly what they are missing, so there’s never a need to chase after a man who says he doesn’t know what he wants. However, many times, the guy realizes that no, he does not want the relationship. And that’s okay too. So this is me letting Mr. C think and letting Mr. C go.
As much as I would have loved to put on my Ms. Smart Girl hat and mind-bully him into staying with me, I know that letting him go was the right choice. The fearless choice.
So my Crazy Girls, now I am single again.
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Kaneisha! Babe, thank you so much for channeling your frustration and sadness into these words. This one is a DIFFICULT one to learn, but your experience and reflection is the truth, no matter how hard it is to accept. These matters of the heart MUST be reciprocal, otherwise what will they become? How will they feed us? I respect you infinitely, my scorpio, crazy girl goddess! XO y MUCHO amor!
He will come back since you ended it with dignity. They always do, I promise. There just aren’t that many chicks out there that don’t have a secret case of “I’m crazy after you get to know me.” He’ll be back…(of course this is conditonal upon that he doesn’t read this post because he has to feel he made the revelation). This is why I have dated almost every one of my boyfriends at least twice. This is sort of stupid in cases where the guy was a jerk to begin with but a great idea when the guy is a keeper and he just needed some time.
There’s another reason why C is the answer. Having that attitude is good for YOUR soul! Never mind whether he realizes you’re a catch, comes graveling back, etc. By the time you finish saying the sentence “Go ahead, boo, take all the space and time that you need,” you should be hatching YOUR next adventure, dating or otherwise. Who cares what he’s thinking about – you are on to bigger and better things, building your life, your happiness, your stock of interesting stories to tell, your sense of humor, your PRIDE in yourself.
I understand that saying goodbye to someone you care about and hoped to have more with can be excruciating, but trust me that thinking about how he’ll behave after you say goodbye is not the way to heal and move on. Focusing on YOURSELF is how you’ll find happiness again, maybe in newfound emotional strength, a new romance, or a totally new life experience that you wouldn’t have discovered but for the newly freed time you now have.
In solidarity,
Lady V
Hi Lady V! Thank you so much for your powerful comment. I completely agree. I know everything you said is dead on in my head–but it’s quite hard for me to actually believe it and internalize it. So I’m getting better at doing the ACTIONS of a confident, happy, secure, independent woman, but it’s still hard to not agonize over how things might turn out. I’m learning, day by day. Thanks for joining me on this journey!
I’ve recently had that statement said to me. And it was awful. We were in a huge argument (one of 600 because I’m a crazy girl…and can’t control my crazy whims) and we decided to take some space. 4 days later I broke down and called him. We talked some and decided to just be friends. What kills me is it is my craziness (my unnecessary craziness…my once a month craziness) that rips me apart from good things. I guess I should say that the one I’m with needs to understand my craziness but honestly how can I ask that when I don’t even understand it?! Just friends is a smart idea but boy does it ache!
Hi Emily! It sounds like you could benefit from reading Never Let Him See You Sweat. We are two CrazyGirl peas in a pod! You’ve got to learn to control your crazy whims, because they are likely sabotaging your relationships. Remember that no man is going to “complete” you or “make you happy”. You’ve got to have that yourself. He’s there to make things better–not to make things what they should be. Take some time away from the guy–no contact whatsoever–and see if he comes around. If he doesn’t, move on with your life and date other people. Just try to keep the tantrums to a minimum. They don’t serve you, and don’t help you really communicate what you’re trying to get across.
Funny, this statement was said to me this past week and again this weekend. I flipped out. I was at his apartment and I was angry. (keep in mind i controlled my actions, but inside my head i was throwing furniture all around!) I told him i was a concrete person and couldn’t understand not understanding what he wanted. I then took my phone and threw it on the floor and said “either my phone is on the floor or it isn’t…”. He laughed.
Eventually we decided friends was best. After we made this decision he asked me “well, what do we do now?” and i responded confidently “well, I leave, I go home, and I get over you and move on.” He quickly asked “well what if you don’t get over me?” and i responded, “give me a few days and I’ll go back to what i do best…..(short pause) well, I’m outta here. I’ll see you the next time I see you.”
Funny thing is, he told me to stay and that he wanted to continue talking. He ended up buying me dinner that night and we watched a movie. Guys certainly do need time to think it over, and with my knowledge of this experience and this lovely article i ran across, I have learned that if you show the guy you could care less about the outcome, this helps them think it over quicker. They also can’t take pressure to make any decision at all. What would the world be without women?
A couple days later he texted me asking me why i wasn’t there hanging out with him.
Good luck to any girl who has this situation. It’s extremely frustrating.
Hi Lisa! Sounds like you’ve got the “shrug and prance away” routine down pat! Did you end up getting back together with the guy after all? I find that first two weeks back together after they’ve thought it through can be a little rocky. I wish you the best!
oh er I have just spent the day with my husband of nearly eleven years who has been messing me about since the end of Sept backwards and forwards to another woman, although he has rung text or been to see me every day. Two weeks ago I had had enough and decided to just get on with my life.He started to panic saying things like don’t give up on me yet i really do still love you. This morning he was saying he wanted to bring his clothes in from the car and he wanted to be back with his proper family! I asked him if he had told her he said he would ring her now and tell her. I said until he had done that my answer is no. He went to meet her in fact she was waiting in her car across the road for me to go out . After he had met with her he was completely confused and didn’t know what he wanted. I said he should go away from us both and think about things but I was going to get on with my life. He has now gone and really I feel like poo. Does that mean my answer was C?
Hi, Gill. First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Being cheated on hurts so badly. I’m not married, but when it happened to me (several times), my heart just broke right open. Yes, it does sound like your answer was C. Your husband doesn’t know what he wants to do right now–stay with his family or start a new life with this woman. The best thing you can do for yourself (and your children if you have any) right now is connect with a group of supportive family and friends as well as seek out a family counselor to help you through this transition. The counselor can help you explain to the children where Daddy is and what’s going on. The counselor can also help you cope with the situation. I would also suggest the book The Five Love Languages. I think it can heal a lot of relationships where the love seems to have disappeared. Read my post about the Five Love Languages here: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/11/the-five-love-languages/
Thanks for reading, Gill, and I send lots of positive energy your way.
Girl, you are preaching to me right now because the guy i’m dating said this to me a couple weeks ago, and it is still messing with my mind! We are not exclusive, but being a crazy girl, I can’t stand the fact that he could possibly not want just me. I’m also new to this whole dating thing, so i’m still working out the details of how to deal with each situation that comes my way. Hopefully your blog can help me out a bit. Right now, I am trying to just be casual about the whole thing and tell myself that if it doesn’t work out with him, there are plenty of fish in the sea!
Hey Kaneisha! Yes i did. A week later we made it official. I was so happy, but since the relationship started out with him “not being sure” I’m taking everything very slow. I asked him what made him change his mind and why it was only a week. His response was idk (OF COURSE!). ok…we’ll see. haha. I think it may also be an ego thing. If you let a guy know you obviously have more things in life than to focus on him, I think this kinda touches on something inside and gets them to decide quicker. Thanks for your time in talking to me. I happened to find your website looking for the answer to the “not knowing what he wants” question and now i visit once a day. It’s my; wake up, read with my coffee part of my day now before i head out to class. I LOVE IT!
I see your perspective and i have done the Ms.C attitude and yet he has made it a point to make sure that i dont forget him. We ended our relationship in October 2009 and then in the begining of December 2009 he started to contact me again. He mostly uses msn and then if i dont respond its him text messaging me. We talked and he told me how much he misses me(while i was giving him space to think). How he has been thinking about me, he met a few girls and there was jsut nothing there like there was between me and him….blah blah blah. Well long story short we talked and then we fooled around. The last thing he said to me was “dont be a stranger” i still do want to be friends. What a bunch of bs! Thats a man for ya. Well 2 weeks go by and out of curiosity and a gutt feeling i texted him and told him lets meet up. He msg me back saying he is busy and cant talk and then he proceeds to tell me that he started seeing soemone and it wouldnt be proper. Wow and this coming from a guy who doesnt know what he wants! i guess that he is still feeling the need to explore his options, well i didnt respond and i felt that he is jsut full of himself and that he is a dog. If he was to contact me again…which i doubt, how should i proceed with that!? Should i even bother to respond? do i ignore his calls? Pls help…im tired of these games!
Thank you, your article was great!
@Maria: This guy is a DOG! If he ever contacts you again to ask you to meet him somewhere (that’s called a booty call), tell him “Of course!” in your sweetest voice–and then never show up. And don’t answer his calls when he does call you (probably five or six times). He’ll get the message that you aren’t his doormat–or his easy lay. Thanks to Why Men Love Bitches for that move. If you want to be nice about it, just never answer another call him from again. But that’s a lot less fun.
Kaneisha, Can you please help me through a similar situation. The same thing just recently happened to me and I need some help interpretting things as my mind is a mess. He told me he doesnt know what his head and heart want anymore. He told me this the same week of valentines day, the anniversary of my daughters death, my dad was in the hospital…I have so much going on I cant think straight.
We have been together exactly a year. (He was married for 18 yrs,with his ex for a total of 21 years and they have been divorced 2 yrs. We are 37-38 years old. He dated casually before he met me but nothing serious. We started dating, he said he wanted to be exclusive and we were together constantly. We always had great times and he’s told me noone in his life has made him laugh and smile like I do.) Last week,he told me he doesn’t know what his head and heart want anymore. (In Sept, he did something similar and called me 8 hours after he broke it off as he said we needed to talk…he said he felt he was making a big mistake by letting me go.) His family feels he is afraid of moving forward. They think he still loves me as he hasn’t taken the 8×10 pic off his living room wall and still has my pic on the front of his phone. He is a country boy and I am a professional woman and he says I deserve better than him and he doesn’t want to hold me back. He continues to call me daily, usually before bed and he will text me in the mornings be careful going to work cause the roads are icy etc. When he texts me, he addresses me as “Hi sweety”, “sweet dreams baby” etc., He told me not to make plans for next Sat night as he wants to take me out for my birthday and also help me buy new tires for my car as the gift. He texts me in the evenings and asks “what are you doing?” I don’t know if he is just curious or perhaps he wants to see if I have moved on or started going out. (its only been a week so I am nowhere near that point.)I am willing to give him all the space he needs but what confuses me is he said to remain friends, hang out, go out to eat etc. Is it really possible to be friends; if either one of us start dating another, I’m certain the new bf/gf will not approve of being friends with someone you share many feelings with. Is this just a cop out for him to get over the initial lonliness until he meets someone else? Is it better to cut off completely and move on or remain friends? We still will be seeing each other as we will be in the same dance class on Wednesday nights. I know we can be friendly but should we remain friends? My thought is he is using me to help fill the lonliness he is feeling now and then he will eventually dismiss me when he moves forward. Please help me to understand this as I am trying to avoid hurting again down the road when his life is back on track with someone else. What should I do?
@Susie: Your thinking is spot on here. Your guy is jerking your heart around like a yo-yo–not because he is a bad person, but because he is making decisions from a place of fear rather than confidence and love. You have so much going on in your life right now and should really focus on your own inner healing. As wonderful as he may be, his indecision is bringing too much stress and strife into your life. Why not keep him at arm’s length for a few months while you focus on you and your priorities–one of which I hope will be counseling. You will see him in dance class, and you can be cordial to him and say hello, but don’t take any more of his calls or reply to his texts. I know this is a short answer to a very long and heartfelt question, but it’s because the solution is quite simple: FOCUS ON YOU. Don’t worry that you’ll never find another love. This guy will shape up once he sees what he’s losing or another man will come along. The priority right now is to make sure that you get your heart, mind, and spirit back in order so that you can love you before trying to love anyone else. Thank you for reading and sharing your concern.
Thanks you so much Kaneisha! Sometimes I have trouble seeing from both sides and I know you are right. I do need to give him a break and focus on myself as if I am not happy and at peace with my life, I will never be happy or have a sucessful relationship. I have been through a lot and I think I that was causing stress in our relationship. I know he is afraid of getting hurt and his way of dealing with it is pulling away…but then he ends up hurting me. This is my year and I am going to address my issues before I can move on to our issues.
@Susie: Keep me updated on your healing process! I always love a good vision board-making session! Also – don’t forget the very important step of going to counseling to have a professional help you work through the complexities. Stay in touch!
I’m 23 and my boyfriend and I recently broke up after a year and one month. He told me that he loves me, but there is so much going on in his life that he “just needs to be alone right now”. He’s highly stressed out from work and afraid of losing his job. He’s also afraid of his future. He said he just isn’t sure what he wants and why he is so unhappy. I’m sure it’s the stress. He said none of this has anything to do with me. When we were together, he was always telling me that he was scared about the future. We’ve seen each other since the breakup and when we are together he acts distant towards me and I hate that more than anything. I think that’s a way for some guys to deal with things though.
His family think that the reason he is acting this way is because of stress. I know he is under a lot of stress, but it still hurts. It hurts because he doesn’t know what he wants.
I mean… he said that he loved me. I asked him if he meant that he loved me as a friend or family member… and he said that it wasn’t like that… he said that he truly considers what he feels for me to be love.
If that is the fact, why is he pushing me away… telling me he needs space? Is he scared of commitment or is he just being selfish by telling me that he just needs some time… giving me false hope? I don’t know if I should totally just give up on him or if I should wait?
I need help… I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone… I truly feel he is my soulmate… and before him, I didn’t even believe that was possible. He’s even said the same thing to me. I really need some advice because I am really lost at this point. Please help… thank you.
Steph:
It sounds like you already know what you need to do–give this man space–but it sounds like you aren’t convinced about WHY you need to do it. So let me help you understand what’s going on with your guy.
When men have a problem, they like to solve it on their own. Whereas women thrive off of sharing our problems with one another and thinking them through together, men only go to other people for help as a last possible resource. Men and women are just different in that way. Your guy is saying he needs some space not because you are necessarily what is stressing him out, but because he wants the time to mull it over and figure things out for himself. He knows that he can’t give you the time and attention that you deserve right now, which makes you stressed out and unhappy, which in turn makes him feel like a failure. He needs some space away from you so that you are one less thing that he feels like he is failing at right now.
I know that you want to be there for him, and help him with work or whatever else is stressing him out, but the best way you can help a man who says he needs some space to figure things out is to give him the space to do so. Now, one thing you need to be aware of is that when you actually do give him the space he is craving, he is inevitably going to miss you a lot (even after just a few days), and may reach out to you wanting to reinstate the relationship. Be careful of this rebound behavior. It’s not that he doesn’t really mean it but he is likely not wholeheartedly clear in his mind and heart yet. He’s just feeling the pain of missing you and wanting it to go away. Should your guy seem magically cured of his confusion in just a few days or even just a week, I advise you to be cautious and actually give him even more time to think. You don’t want to get in a situation where he comes back but only halfheartedly.
Some parting advice is that while giving him his space, don’t spend your time fretting about him and the state of the relationship. Be secure that he loves you, and make him feel like you trust him to figure things out on his own. Don’t reach out to his family to see how he’s doing. Don’t send him little text messages to brighten up his day. Just let him be. You spend that time really nourishing your own spirit. For me that would look like reading a delicious book outside, getting my nails done, doing my own hair, or watching a movie with a girlfriend. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself a little bit. That’s what your guy is telling you that he needs to do right now. I’m sure you could benefit from that too!
I ended up getting contacting him to get a better view of what he really meant by taking a break. He told me that a break is a break up until further notice because he doesn’t want to drag me around while he decides what he wants. The good thing is that he is being really nice to me and talking things through. I know he is hurting really bad because he initiated this break. I just let him know that I understand. He’s going through a lot right now and I feel he needs to get his priorities straight. A month before the break is when he started to get really stressed out from work and I could tell he was distancing himself…plus he was so busy that he never really had time for himself. He just seemed unhappy because he hated his job, had a salary cut, and his mom moved out so he now has financing issues with having a house. The only thing he keeps telling me is that it is nothing I did and he loves and cares about me…he just needs time to think things through and to make himself happy right now.
I have been with my guy for 11 1/2 months. i spoke with him a couple of weeks ago and asked him where he thought our relationship was going and could he see us being together everyday, hinting on living together or marriage. He said that he thought it was too soon to be having a heavy conversation, then he said that he did’nt know what he wanted and that he had doubts. I asked him what the doubts were about and he said he did’nt know. I was absolutely gobsmacked i was’nt expecting all that. He says that he loves me and still wants to see me every weekend. I am feeling a bit low now and wish i had’nt mentioned anything. Should i give him space and withdraw from giving him so much attention. He is planning a long weekend break over easter and says he misses me all the time. Shall i just not mention the serious stuff anymore. I still want to know what his doubts are, because its really getting to me. Help!
Hey Julie! I know you’re going crazy, but you’re going to have to give that man his space! Otherwise, you’re just going to end up running him away! I know what you mean about regretting bringing up serious talks. It totally happened to me and Mr. C (I kept talking about kids). Believe me, if you give him time to breathe and think, he’ll come back. Sign up for the newsletter in the sidebar, so you can stay updated on what coaching offerings I will have soon. I think you might like it!
It’s been almost 7 yrs of dating. I’m anti-marriage so it worked for us cause there was never any pressure. What concerns me is that we’re older, he’s 37 and I’m 32 and I would like to have a child before I’m too old. We talked about it and agreed to start at the end of next year if he gets this other job (money would be better). My concern is that he was already talking about things he would do on his time off if hired, now granted I want him to have hobbies and explore to keep him happy… However, he mentioned to a friend that he would like to finish up college (which is fine), and possibly other endeavors like starting up a business and traveling. What worries me is that if we’re talking about having a baby then that means he is going to be a pretty absent father and partner. My bf is my absolute bestfriend, but am I just wasting my time-youth on something that isn’t going to amount to anything, or that is going unknown-future?
As much as I care for him and completely respect him… I honestly don’t want to be miserable in the future. He doesn’t know what he wants when it comes to career’s and he’s told me numerous times that he wants to grow old with me-til we part this world… but how can he know what he wants when he switches jobs and changes career interests all the time.
I’m confused right now. My head is telling me to leave him, and my heart is telling me not to… but the more time passes my heart is starting to fade for him.
Hi,
I need a little advice, your article was very eye opening. I have known this guy for about 2 years, started to get closer in the last 7 months. The looks, the subtle touching and so on. I am quite confused. he used to have feelings for my best friend and when I asked him a few days ago what he felt for her he said nothing since meeting me but then I asked him where things were going for us and he said he doesnt know. When we kissed it was amazing, like nothing I have ever felt before. I know he felt it too.He was trembling when we kissed. How long do I leave it before ringing him. He says that he is really confused and tells me to try and work things out with my ex. . Really sorry for bothering you with all this but have no one else to talk to.
Thank you.
Hi, Bec! You’re going to have to give this guy some space, because you might be getting yourself into something VERY messy. He’s already told you that he doesn’t know what he wants and that you should “try to work things out with your ex.” This means that he definitely wants you to give him some space to think on his own. There should be no ringing him–no matter how much you miss him or thinks he misses you. Sorry, love.
Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match
thank you very much for your help, just to clarify when you say no ringing him no matter what does that mean for a week, few weeks or never.
It means never, love. Don’t think “never” is the same as “forever”. If he really wants to be with you, he will come back. My guy did: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/11/how-to-get-your-ex-back/
It’s important to remember how fabulous you are. There is no scarcity when it comes to love.
Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match
Thank you, I just have one more question. How long do you give it. Its been just over a week since I last saw him and I havent heard from him at all.
Bec! You are fishing for me to say what you want, love. You have to give him S.P.A.C.E. If you MUST contact him, give him a ring after a month. Yes, a whole month.
Kaneisha´s last blog ..5 Reasons Me and Teens are a Match
Six months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. It started as a week break, than a full break from about 3 weeks maybe a little less. He broke it off because he couldn’t see me in his future any more. Of course he said he loves me, but he just can’t see it and doesn’t know what he wants. After those three weeks we ended up getting back together. Things have been amazing between us over these last few months. There’s just one problem. I still have that burning question of…Do you feel any different now?…in my head. I’m afraid to ask him. I really love this man, we have been together 2 and a half years. I’m just afraid to let myself fall for him more and more and start to want more for us in the future because I don’t know if he feels any different. I’m very afraid to ask. We are young, I’m 19 and he is 20. I just don’t know if I can stay with someone who doesn’t know if they want me or doesn’t know if they want to try and take the next step to thinking about a future together. Do you have any adivce? I’m trying not to think about anything too hard and just enjoy what we have now, but I can’t get this question out of my head.
So what about if we are engaged for 7 monthes ,, and now he tells me that he thinks that he understands me like nobody else, but sometimes he believes that he doesn’t know me at all as if he is a complete stranger.. I dunno how should I reply to him :s …
We were really happily engaged and love each other.. We have same interests.. but the most thing that irritates him is when he explains something to me ,, and he knew quite well that I have different point of view, but I don’t tell him about my thoughts…
Hi Noha,
It sounds like the reason your fiance thinks that he doesn’t know you at all sometimes is that you don’t speak up and share your opinion! If you are going to marry this man, you have to be able to share your opinion with him. The two of you are going to be partners for LIFE, making decisions together about things as small as what kind of bedsheets to buy to whether you should have another child! Speak up and share your opinion, girl! It will make him respect you, become closer to you, and realize how lucky he really is to be with you! If you are afraid that sharing your opinions might run him away, then you have a LONG journey of silence ahead of you–and that is no way to live. Be yourself, share your opinions, show him who you really are! Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha
4 weeks ago I split up with my boyfriend of nearly two years. He said “he didn’t know what he wanted” He said he still loved me and that he didn’t want to split up but that he just couldn’t cope with being in a relationship at the moment. He has gradually got more and more distant with me since he started college. However when we first split up we didn’t stop contact, we were texting each other and then one day we met up for a talk. He said that he missed me as a person and that he still loved me but he didn’t miss the relationship. A week exactly later he text me asking to meet up with him, He told me that the past week he had really been missing me and that he had butterfly’s in his stomach when he see’s me and that he was still in love with me, after this we decided to get back together. For the first 4 days it was great, he was planning for us to go on holiday next year and plans for my birthday in October. He was brilliant and back to his old self…then all of a sudden he just started being distant again. I asked him what was wrong and he said once again “He doesnt know what he wants” only 6 days of us getting back together. I was gob-smacked! I asked him why and did the whole I want to support you and be there for you (as I think he is going through some sort of life crisis at the moment) but he just said that he doesn’t want to drag me down with him, and put me through this anymore…then he asked me to just go away and get on with the rest of my life without him. I told him I didn’t want that and got quite angry and walked out because he wouldn’t listen to me, he called after me but I carried on going because I knew that he was just going to make things worse as all he was saying was that he didn’t know what he wanted. Since I walked out I haven’t been in touch with him at all, and he hasn’t been in touch with me either, I had hoped that me walking out would give him a bit of a shock…its been 3 days now, its killing me not to call him. I love him so much and don’t want to lose him for good like this, we are (were) a really close couple…I just don’t understand whats going on with him.
Kaneisha, thank you so much for writing this! I hope I really can internalize these words. I’ve been talking to a guy since January and I’ve gone further with him than I have with anyone else. Right now we call ourselves “dating” and he told me that in the even that he wants a girlfriend, I’m his number one choice. But in the one week he’ll say he misses me, a few days later he’ll say “he’s not sure what he wants right now.” I understand what he’s going through, and my biggest fear is that when he decides what he wants, he’ll decide that it doesn’t involve me. Thank you for giving me a chance to breathe. I’m confident it’ll be alright, I just like having reassurance from time to time and this was definitely it!
I would definitely choose C as well. However, as easy it does sound, it is probably the hardest things to do when you truly care for someone.
I just want a little perspective:
This guy and I dated for about 51/2 months, then broke up with me because he thought I was acting strange. But really he had been distancing himself from me for the past two weeks, and I kept asking him about it.
Anyways, long story short. We’re still broken up (since June). Now, at first I had arranged for us to meet up twice (stupid, stupid), and then asked for us to try again (again, stupid). Finally, he came out and told my stubborn self in text that he needed time to figure out what he wanted. he said he liked me, but he didnt know what he wanted, and that there is a lot going on in his life, and he wants a stress-free life. (hes a restaurant manager, still learning). i told him i understood and that id like us to still see each other without the pressure of being in a relationship right now. He agreed that we would.
so I read in one of your responses to someone about being careful for when he DOES initiate contact again with you. He did after 4 days. He texted me, called me that whole weekend. Then it turned into texting me every other day “just to say hi” or see what i was doing. We saw each other the other night and he acts like were still together, still touches me, and jokes with me, and like theres no distance.
My question is, should I ever be the one to initiate contact with him at this point? My view is that if he wants me in his life, can make time for me, and is willing to make it happen again, HE should be the first to make contact, whether just to talk or to see me. But at the same time, I dont want to be selfish.
Or option B is that I cut him off completely and let him know somehow (in a polite, collected manner) not to come back until he does know what he wants. I dont want to have the feeling of him stringing me along. Thank you for any input on this one!!
Girl, leave that confused boy alone. If he’s truly serious about you and your relationship, he’ll come back. I promise. Now go do something special for yourself. Thanks for reading!
Kaneisha´s last blog ..Becoming More Yin
hey could you help me please?!
my boyfrind split up with me saying he didnt see a future with me . i was so heartbroken and left him in the pub that we was in
he then e-mail me saying this,” for the first few months I loved being with you. But the last couple of months I became a bit disillusioned with it all, didn’t think we were going anywhere.”
And then i e-mail him this
“Well I think your problem is commutation, if you have a problem you need to commutate with that person. Well to be honest I haven’t been myself the pass few months as I have a lot on my mind and it’s been annoying me that I have been like that, but you have hardly been perfect yourself!!
And he e-mail me saying this
“I know I haven’t been perfect-far from it. I prob should communicate a bit more rather than bottling everything up.”
And then Thursday I e-mail him with this
“so is it that a ‘yea i should’ as in you want to try and sort things out or is that it with us?? ”
and know he hasnt reply to be…dont know what to do. i know he is under stress at he just bought a flat and the pass few month i have lost my job and been really stress out myself the pass few months. i’m so in love with him and would do anything to get him back, i just want to understand???!!!!
Wow, you put it all into plain English! Thank you so much! My recent ex boyfriend of 2 years suddenly told me (after a week of ignoring me) that he doesnt know how he feels or what he wants. He then continued to to text/call me after breaking up with me telling me he missed talking to me! We met up to talk and he continued saying he doesnt know if he wants to break up with me or go on a break or be with me. I told him that he needs more time. I texted him asking for my stuff back 3 weeks later after hearing nothing but he never responded. We havent spoken in 2 months! How much more time does he need? Should I kiss him and my stuff goodbye?x
Hello, Cascade! Thank you so much for your supportive message! Thanks for reading! I didn’t know you were out there reading!
Thanks for the encouragement, Veronica! I love to hear success stories of women who date with dignity! I think that dating a guy twice after his taking time to think things through is definitely different than “on again/off again” relationships though. I think the guy gets a chance to waver at each major crossroad–becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or not, staying together long distance or not, and then at getting engaged or not. I’m not about to be dating some guy who wavers repeatedly.