The most dreaded words in a relationship are “We need to talk.” It always means you’re about to get the break-up talk. I know this phrase well, having used it and heard it several times in my dating life. But there’s a second phrase, one that isn’t as clear but also strikes panic in many women’s hearts. I heard it just this weekend from Mr. C:
“I’m not sure what I want right now.”
What you mean you ain’t sure what you want right now?! That’s how I’d like to react when I hear those words. (And let’s admit it, that is what my reaction often has been.) But I’ve learned a lot since my Dating Dummy days, and I now realize that this phrase is one that women must watch out for and have a plan for dealing with.
I used to think this phrase was a cop-out, something guys used so they could keep sleeping with you without having to commit to you. And for some guys, maybe it is. However, after much reading, reflection, and trial and error, I now realize that it is a man expressing his genuine confusion. If he didn’t want to be with you, he’d say so directly, stop calling you and asking you out (the favorite of many guys), or be such a jerk that you have to break up with him (the favorite of the cowards).
Time for a quiz!
After several months of dating, if a guy says that he doesn’t know what he wants, should you:
a) Scream “But I already organized our engagement party! What will everyone think?!” Surely, he will then realize that this relationship is on—whether he wants it to be or not.
b) Calmly outline for him all the reasons you see why the two of you should stay together. With your help, he’ll see more clearly what a huge mistake he is about to make.
c) Tell him, “I understand. Take as much time as you need to figure out what you want.” Then go about your life as a newly single woman.
d) All of the above in that order.
If you chose A, you have successfully run him off for good. When men say the dreaded phrase, it is often because they are overwhelmed with the amount of attention and intensity the woman is bringing to the relationship. You have just shown him how truly crazy you really are.
If you chose B, you are what I call the Perfectly Reasonable Dater. You think it’s “perfectly reasonable” that he doesn’t know what he wants, and that it’s “perfectly reasonable” for you to compile a list to convince him that the two of you belong together forever. If you can just convince him that you are right, everything will be great. The Perfectly Reasonable Dater is the same woman who always seems to find a Perfectly Reasonable explanation for why none of her relationships work out (“He has abandonment issues. You know, because his mom lost him at the grocery store that one time”). Stay away from this trap of rationalization!
If you chose C, you are a Dating Diva, a woman who knows how to date with dignity and without fear. This is the answer because men do not do anything they do not want to do. Yes, you can convince a man to stay with you after he says this phrase. With the help of my well-honed debate skills learned at Harvard, I’ve done it before myself. But you can’t convince that man to love you, cherish you, and be engaged in the relationship.
When a man says this phrase, the best thing you can do is give him space and move on with your life. Men process experiences and emotions much more slowly than women. They could easily coast in a relationship for years and wake up one day to realize they are completely miserable. Give the guy time to think. Don’t try to help him think it through. Don’t try to “be there” for him. Give him time to miss you. Men fall in love with women when they long for them—not when they are persuaded to be with them.
This is not easy to do. It’s painful, it’s frustrating, and it’s especially hard for us Crazy Girls who are used to making things happen in every other aspect of our lives. This is one instance when you should not try to make anything happen. Let what is supposed to happen—you two being together or not—happen without your finagling or fegulery (thanks to Ms. B for that word).
Giving a man space to figure things out does not mean he’ll figure things out in the way you want him to—which is why you have to really move on. If he realizes he can’t live without you, he’ll come back. And then if there is still room in your life and in your heart for him, the two of you can discuss getting back together. Men go after what they want—especially when they know exactly what they are missing, so there’s never a need to chase after a man who says he doesn’t know what he wants. However, many times, the guy realizes that no, he does not want the relationship. And that’s okay too. So this is me letting Mr. C think and letting Mr. C go.
As much as I would have loved to put on my Ms. Smart Girl hat and mind-bully him into staying with me, I know that letting him go was the right choice. The fearless choice.
So my Crazy Girls, now I am single again.
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Hi just after a bit of advice or maybe even someone to shake me viciously to get a reality check…i’m so confused! Been dating a guy exclusively for a few months, everything was perfect, get on really well, he has always said hes never connected with a girl like me before. We’ve met each others family, we can talk very openly about things, commnication has always been brilliant, very affectionate etc etc…you know the deal. Then out of the blue he says he doesn’t think hes ready for a relationship (messy breakup with a previous ex) but wants to take things slow. We openly talked about what we valued as a relationship and both being independant people we value our own space. Now we continued dating slowly but could feel him drifting away. We chatted about it again and decided that it was best to be friends and to move on so he could sort his head out. As i was about to go he said maybe he was being too hasty and that i was amazing and that he def could see a future? Either way after that i decided i would give him his space and let him come to me when he was ready. After a week and a half of no contact, he defriended me on facebook. Now i know that doesn’t sound like a particularly big deal but it was so out of the blue that i asked him about it…he said he had recently started dating someone and didn’t want to rub my nose into it?!! Now i am very confused as we had been very close up to a week before this and he was the one who said he wanted to stay in contact and that he’s always be there for me. Now he completely dismisses me from his life without even saying anything at all!
Am i being a complete mug? Did he ever mean anything he said? Or is he just rebounding from girl to girl? I’m so hurt about it all!!
Hi Emely,
Were in the same situation right now, the words he said to me. I want also an answer about this…the word he said to you exactly the same. Sometimes I can say to man unfair and selfish..but lets wait for the right time, Maybe he’s thinking for a deeper relationship with you.
I know this is a super old thread, but your post hit home for me. It’s so hard to cope with my particular situation. If you’re out there K, words of wisdom please.
I was dating C since June. We made it official in July. Up until that point, everything was amazing. I felt he really felt for me. As time went on, I was immature, stupid, and dramatic. We had “mini break ups” on account of me and each time he was sad about it, but usually consoled me and didn’t let me walk away. However, this past Thursday, I did it again. I went bi polar and broke up with him. I went to get my stuff at his apt. and hugged him and said I was sorry. We cuddled and he gave me a spiel about to stop what I’m doing, he cares for me, etc. The next morning I get a text, “we need to talk ASAP”. Naturally I freak. I called and he broke things off with me. Said he his feelings simmered, he wanted to be alone, he grew distant with me, etc. Friday came and went and Saturday came around. We texted. He was worried about me. I asked if I can see him one last time that night/ he agreed and as I was driving to his apt. he texted me he wanted to make this work. Doesn’t want to walk away from us and he’s 50% of our dysfunction. I basically walked right into his arms. Spent the night together and we left together in the morning where I proceeded to ask him if he was sure and he said YES. Sunday seemed fine between us. But Monday I texted him that I couldn’t get over the things he said and he texted me he “doesn’t know what he wants”. I proceeded to call and say ” then that’s your answer”, upset of course. He said he didn’t want to hurt me my feelings anymore. I was a crazy chick and have texted him non stop and I’ve had no response. I feel so lost.
what do i do! i dumped my bf out of anger after 19 months and ive had massive rows with hes mum loads of times and we have always got back together the longest we have ever split up is 5 days an till now i broke up with him and we have been split up a week and 2 days he told my cousin he still loved me and my mums boyfriend he still loved me but ive been moaning to much recently he told me he still loves me he promised my mums boyfriend he hasn’t got no-one else and that theres no-one else i tried to get back with him he said we need time apart we split on a Saturday and the last time i saw him was Thursday he had the whole weekend to himself i saw him Monday i just turnt up refused to go till he saw me we ended up sleeping together then we still didnt get back together then he rung me tuesday drunk telling me he loved me and that he wishes i hadn’t messed things up cause i had a row with hes mum and saying he wanted me with him now to cuddle and then i started talking about good times he asked me not to and he got upset then i ended up texting him wed and he didnt know if he wanted to get back with me just said he was drunk the truth comes out when your drunk right? and i ended up getting drunk and going up hes and then thurs,fri,sat,sun, monday i havent seen him since but been texting i never text him sat antill he text me then sunday i didnt contact him all day he rung me at 8ish and asked to talk about us in text and that said he still didnt know what he wanted i asked him do you want me to move on he said i duno i said will u be ok seening me with another boy he said no i said well then tell me what to do? he said hell let me know saturday hell come stay mine if everythings sorted if not then hell tell me to move on.. i havent contacted him today ether does he really need to think about things or is he just fucking with my head i dont know i dont believe someone can get over 19months with in a week anyways..
Hi kaneisha I love your blog very much. My bf of 1 yr and 4 months now told me the same and the reason behind is his ex girlfriend come back and now he told me that he’s still in love with her and he’s begging me for a space and let him go back to his ex girlfriend
What should I do? I love him so much that I don’t wanna see him be with his ex again. Still a question to me why he’s so consistent to sacrifice our relationship just to go back to his ex.
He even told me that everything will be fine and he will come back to me if their relationship doesn’t work the second time around. He keeps on telling me to wait for him because he’ll come back. What do you think of this? Should I let him go? If he asks me to wait for him,should I tell him that I won’t wait for him anymore? I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared that he might not come back if I let go of him totally without telling him that I”ll wait for him. I’m in pain now because I keep on thinking why he’s doing this to me. I did everything for him. I even gave my virginity to him because he told me that he’s going to be my husband. But now all his promises were gone because of his ex girlfriend. Please help.. you’re advices are much appreciated. thank you.
Hi Kaniesha, thanks for your post. I’m not sure if friends with benefits apply in this situation but after two years I wanted more so I asked him. His reply was I don’t know what I want. I was unhappy and luckily for me I’m no crazy mind playing bitch so I let him have his say. In the end I said he should let me go. He said he would never let me go. After that he withdrew slowly but surely our regular get togethers ended up being postponed week after week, and I’d had enough. I told him to leave me alone and not contact me and i deleted his number from my phone. I let him go, & HE CAME BACK. I’m not saying that things are better now but we are communicating and building on a foundation of respect, care and friendship.
i need some help <3
This guy I was starting to see said to me “i’m not sure what I want” after a few weeks. My response was “if its ok with you can we just be friends?”. Either he likes me or he doesn’t, some where in between is not enough for me, no way. I don’t want to feel insecure hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind. Thats a crap way to begin a relationship. If he can’t see my potential then thats his loss.
If he’s upset I’ve finished it completely then thats his loss and he should have messed me around. If he’s not bothered then i’ve saved myself a few more days or weeks of feeling insecure and rejected.
Hi there,
I came across this site and thought wow!
I have been with this guy almost a year and every couple of months he does this to me.
1st time he said the words “I don’t know what I want, wether I want to be single or in a relationship” – I told him that I couldn’t make that decision, he needed to make it for himself. A few hours later he told me his decision was our relationship.
2nd time we broke up – it lasted a whole 24 hours, before we got back together.
3rd time three days ago – he told me that he doesn’t know what he wants. I told him the same thing – that I couldn’t make that decision for him, he needed to make it. The weird thing is this time we didn’t speak the day after and yesterday when we did speak, he acted like it was nothing and that he still hadn’t made a decision on what he wanted. I told him that it wasn’t fair to keep this stringed along and he would have to make one, I ended the call pretty after that making out that I was busy. Now day 3 and nothing.
Why does he keep doing this? I love him with all my heart, I want a life with him. Am I wasting my time or do I just give him more space?
Hello, Cascade! Thank you so much for your supportive message! Thanks for reading! I didn’t know you were out there reading!
Thanks for the encouragement, Veronica! I love to hear success stories of women who date with dignity! I think that dating a guy twice after his taking time to think things through is definitely different than “on again/off again” relationships though. I think the guy gets a chance to waver at each major crossroad–becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or not, staying together long distance or not, and then at getting engaged or not. I’m not about to be dating some guy who wavers repeatedly.
Hi please can you help me with this one? I have been seeing a lovely guy for the past 12 weeks. I am 10 yrs older than him and have been married and have two children. Things have been a bit strained for the past couple of weeks and I was worried about the age gap. We have taken things slowly, both agreed this, I then tried to finish it by letting him go as I thought I wasn’t what he needed. He says he thought we weren’t going anywhere as he wants to have a family and it would only hurt more in the future if it finished. What does he mean?he still wantsto see me to talk it over and he says he has met someone he always wants in his life however that may be! I think I gave him the impression that I didn’t want those things with him, please help, I’m in live with him
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