Men can be really frustrating sometimes. In my Dating Dummy days, I’ve been known to cry, curse, and throw tantrums when men started acting foolishly. I let myself get worked up over the situation and then let it all out—right in front of the guys. It was never pretty. I’ve since learned that letting loose on a guy never works.
No matter how frustrated, angry, upset, confused, or sad you get about how a dating situation is going, you should never let a man see you sweat. Do not cry, throw tantrums, or lose it in front of a man you are dating—at least not if he is the source of your frustration. Here are all the things that happen when you lose it in front of man over something he’s done: (Much credit to Sherry Argov, Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider, and my Grandma for enlightening me to these ideas)
- You’ve just shown him how much power he has over you. No one—not a man, your friends, or your family members—should have the ability to control your happiness. The relationships we have in our lives serve to increase our happiness—not define it. If you break down and cry in front of a man, he may feel bad and start acting right for a week or two, but then, he’ll be back to his old habits—probably acting even worse than before—because now he knows that he has a 100% hold on you.
- You lose perspective. “When you’re young, everything seems like the end of the world. But it isn’t.” This is a quote from 17 Again. (There are lessons to be learned everywhere, y’all!) And it reminds me that no matter how upset you are about a guy at the present moment, you will one day find the guy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
- You encourage bad behavior. It’s hard to believe, but men love those tantrums. You know, the ones where you nag them until they want to claw their eyes out? You know why? Because it assures them that you still care. If you really want to get a message across, cut off all contact for a few days and see what happens. Men know when they are messing up and they don’t need women to point it out to them. With time, space, and silence, men often come around of their own accord and start acting right. REMEMBER: Men do not respond to words. They respond to no contact.
As my Grandma says, “Never let a man see you cry over him. Go to the bathroom, cry as much as you need to, put on some makeup, and move on with your life.” You don’t have to put on a game face for the whole world. Sob in the arms of your girlfriends, your Grandma, etc., but the man causing you heartbreak should not have the satisfaction of seeing you cry.
Like all the advice I give to my Crazy Girls, I’m still working hard to learn this principle myself. It makes perfect sense to me, but I often still try to communicate with my words, tears, whining, dropping hints, etc. I’m slowly learning that when start acting a fool, the last thing I should do is join them in their foolishness and get myself all upset. The next time your dating life is making you want to pull your hair out, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and keep it moving.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome post, I needed this advice like a whole year and a half ago lol. But you’re right, the minute you show men that they have an effect on how you feel that’s when they gain control of the situation.
“Men do not respond to words.They respond to no contact.”
I totally agree with that phrase and with what you said in tha post.It’s true that it works when you show that you’re strong enough to resist the temptation of callin and makin the guy think it’s not the only matter in your life.
But what do you do when the guy doesn’t get back even after a week of not callin,not texting,not mailing?Do you keep waitin for him to get back runnin the risk to be more distant every day,or do you swallow your pride and make the call?Tough dilemma…
Hi Severine! I know it’s hard to wait to hear from a guy! The anticipation and anxiety eats you up inside and you feel like you will go absolutely bonkers if you do not talk to him! I’d like to add an amendment to the article above and say that it IS very important to tell guys when they “f” up that you are not happy about it. The key is to say it ONCE and CLEARLY and SUCCINCTLY without losing your cool in the process. After you’ve said your piece, if the guy continues his bad behavior, then that’s when I’d recommend the silent treatment. And the silent treatment includes NOT calling him! If he’s not treating you how you want to be treated, AND you’ve already told him that you don’t appreciate it, why should you reward his behavior by chasing him? Put down that phone, girl!
I just stumbled upon your blog and I think I’ve read everything in one sitting =) Great read!
I just wish that I read this before, and heed some things that you had to say. Right now I’m just looking back and TRYING so hard to let the negative thoughts just pass.
And yeah, I’ve been through that same tough dilemma where I gave my then-boyfriend the silent treatment.. (Pardon the all caps but..) TWO MONTHS WENT BY and I never heard from him. Oh, the horror.
@Laine: I know it’s terrible, but it’s better that the relationship didn’t drag on for months–or even years! You gave him his space–and he took it! It’s painful. I’ve been through it before, but it’s better to know than to wonder. Dating with dignity can be painful–but it’s not as painful as being a doormat!
Absoutely stunning and concise advice !
Love it
@Nadia: Thank you so much for your beautiful comment! Thank you for reading!
I will honestly be referencing this site from now on. Amazing. Thank you so much.
Hey Kaneisha,
Came across ur blog a few days ago and I’m hooked. I started to laugh so hard when I read this article cuz I often give my friends this same advice and they ignore it. Maybe if I send them this link, they’ll listen to u instead LOL. I had my first bf at the age of 21. That was 2 yrs ago. After 5 1/2 months, he started acting weird, intentionally doing things to annoy me, ignoring me and the list goes on. All in all, I think he wanted to break up with me and took the easy way out (according to you, this is the cowardly way ^_^) he basically forced me to break up with him. I did it via txt messaging and never spoke to him after that (even when he tried calling). I cried my heart out for months but my pride never allowed me to call him and tell him all the things I wanted to say to him (i.e. throw a tantrum and the sort lol). Fast track to 2 years later (a month ago) we ran into each other. I had not seen him since we had broken up. We ended up talking and he got deep and told me that he had recently broken up with his gf who then proceeded to cry and curse him out horribly. He went on to talk abt how taken aback he was. He’s been texting me since we ran into each other and basically reminiscing abt the good times we had. Basically I know two things: 1) maybe he’s lonely and trying to initiate conversation and 2) he knows I would never throw a tantrum like that, so now he’s reminiscing about what he had and lost and wishes he had back (all me lol). I don’t know but I know all women need to take this advice as well as read “Why Men Marry Bitches” which u recommended. I’m gonna get hold of the two other books u recommended as these are fantastic books for us as women to stop being doormats. Loving the blog thus far…keep it up!
That was a super-fun story, Lily! Thanks for sharing! Let us know what you think of the other books once you read them!
How do u initiate telling them the “effed up” part?