Our second question in the Ask Kaneisha series comes from the beautiful island of Martinique!
“What do you do when your boyfriend wants you to cut all your male friends out because he thinks they may be a potential threat for your relationship? He doesn’t believe in male/female friendship and cuts out almost all his female friends for you. I think this is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust in your partner. What do you think?”
I smell trouble. Any man who tries to control the friendships of his girlfriend is not only demonstrating insecurity, he’s also demonstrating a need to control her. First he’s trying to tell you who you can and can’t spend time with. The next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that you can’t go certain places. You can and must nip this in the bud right away.
This doesn’t have to turn into a huge fight. In fact, the right use of humor and sassiness can put him in his place without damaging his ego or hurting his feelings. The next time he starts to turn into the green monster, give him a sweet look and say:
”You know you are my guy. If anything, spending time with my male friends reminds me of why I like you so much. They are hopeless!”
Then be sure to quickly change the subject by distracting him with a snack. The key is to not turn this into an argument–or even a discussion. By getting engaged in a debate about it, you are basically handing over to him the power to make the decision.
Now, if you are hanging out with ex-boyfriends, ex-hook-ups, etc.–or hanging out in guys in sexy places like bars or their apartments late at night–he probably has a right to be uncomfortable. I generally do not recommend hanging out with your ex-boyfriends unless there are absolutely no sexual or romantic feelings left over at all.
If he still keeps acting like a gorilla when you spend time with your guy friends, you can say calmly (without raising your voice or going on forever about it):
“Thanks for sharing your opinion, babe, but I wasn’t asking for permission.”
And then give him a sweet kiss and prance right out the door.
Another thing you said in your question concerns me. He doesn’t believe in male/female friendships, but he’s only given up almost all of his female friends? What does that mean about the females he has kept as friends? This sounds like a double standard if I ever saw one. Also, it’s a well known habit of men to accuse their women of cheating on them when they in fact are the ones cheating. They think that just because they are up to no good, their partner must be doing the same thing.
Your man’s jealousy is a red flag about deeper issues that may be waiting to bubble up to the surface. If he continues to try and control your social life, you may need to kiss this one goodbye.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Hey,
Thxs for answering K.Actually,the guy is not my bf yet,I guess we’re flirting right now.But it doesn’t prevent us from having serious conversations about relationships and what we expect.
I had a huge fight with him about that jealousy thing and it was pretty nasty.I guess I overreacted and got him wrong.He doesn’t want me to cut out all my male friends and not hang out with them (he has some female friends as well),but he just doesn’t want me to stay at male friends’ anymore,he doesn’t me want to sleep at their places,because in his own words “a man remains a man”.To put it differently, there’s no use in playing with fire.
The more I tried to tell him they’re just friends and I don’t think anything could happen,the less he feels comfortable about it.
It remains a very touchy issue and I guess if we ever start dating,it’s gonna take a while to work that out.
Other than that,he’s not that jealous and was pretty pissed to find out I thought dating him meant being in prison.
So that’s it!!But I agree with you on a certain number of arguments you came up with.
That makes me think about the boundaries of independence/freedom in a relationship,and how to deal with your need for independence as a person opposed to the compromises you have to make when you’re dating somebody.Basically,how to find a happy medium between your life an individual and your couple.What do you think?Could it become a post?