After two months of exclusively dating, Mr. C still refuses to acknowledge that he’s my boyfriend. However, a number of tell-tale signs assure me that he’s in it for the long haul.
A guy is your boyfriend if…
1. He has a toothbrush at your place. Mr. C has a toothbrush in my cabinet that he uses whenever he sleeps over. I bought it for him, and each night he stays over, he goes to get it all on his own. He brought over the floss, since we all know I have dental hygiene habit catching up to do.
2. His mom knows about you—and you know about his mom. I haven’t met her yet, but he’s told her about me. He also talks to me about her all the time. It makes me feel included.
3. He knows your birthday. I just mentioned it once, and he remembered it. I felt guilty when after four guesses, I didn’t get his right. It’s seared into my brain (and Blackberry) now.
4. You travel together. In a few weeks, we’re going to Napa Valley and San Francisco. I’m helping pay, but he’s definitely taking the lead on paying and organizing. I’ve never had a man buy my plane ticket before. I feel special.
5. He leaves you alone at his place. Now that I’m unemployed, he gets up and goes to work in the mornings. I stick around for a few hours longer, reading issues of Black Enterprise from 2007 that are still sitting on his living room table.
6. He wants you to meet his best friends. Considering we had this one precious summer together before being flung to opposite sides of the country, neither of us has been in a rush to hang out in big groups. However, he asked me to have lunch with one of his best guy friends from college and we’ll join another good friend while up in Napa. He’s met two of my best girl friends and seems quite open to meeting more. Nice.
7. You asked him to get an STD test. And he did. Mr. C still doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to ask a guy for an STD test. “What’s the big deal!? Any guy should be willing to take one!” Example of why I adore him.
8. He isn’t afraid of your blog. I don’t know how often Mr. C visits CrazyGirl Nation, but he definitely alludes to things I write in it, and he’s made it clear he wants a cooler name. “Why can’t I have an under-used letter? Like Mr. U or Mr. X?”
9. He isn’t afraid of your period. Today I got trapped in Mr. C’s bathroom for twenty minutes because I unexpectedly started my period.
Me: “Mr. C!” (Of course I don’t really call him that.)
Mr. C: “What?”
Me: “I need you to go buy me some tampons! Sorry!”
Mr. C: (without hesitation) “Okay. What kind do you like?”
Me: “Normal. Regular. Unscented. Whatever! Make sure it has an applicator! Do you know what that is?”
Mr. C: “Yes, I know what that is. Why are you saying sorry?”
Me: “I don’t know… Thank you! And can you bring me a toothbrush?”
He brought me back Tampax Pearls. Very nice. Not even the CVS brand.
10. He doesn’t balk at you saying crazy things about your future together.
Me last night: “Okay, so we’ll date for a year, then you’ll propose, we’ll be engaged for a year, and then we’ll be married before you even have to start Business School!”
Him: “Um…That could happen.”
The point of that conversation wasn’t to get him to agree to some crazy timeline. It was me giving him an idea of my expectations—like I’m not trying to date someone for four years and then just see what happens. I have no idea of knowing if our relationship will work out, but it’s nice to know that he doesn’t balk at the idea of getting married within the next few years.
11. He knows how to make you feel better. Mr. C calls himself The BeastMaster, because he knows all the ways to calm me down when I get worked up in a frenzy. I get headaches at night from worrying too much and not drinking enough water during the day. Mr. C’s cure is a glass of water and fifteen minutes of spooning and face caressing. I always immediately fall asleep. When I get in a mean mood, the cure is matching my sassiness tit for tat. I give up on trying to bully him. Mr. C is a crazy guy well-matched for my crazy girl tendencies.
Conclusion
So if your guy is title-phobic, and you’re wondering if he may in fact already be your boyfriend, think through the things that boyfriends usually do and see if your guy has been stepping up to the task. You may find that you can stop being obsessed with titles and just sit back and enjoy the relationship as it develops.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
You so crazy, girl! And I love you!
A-a-a-w-w-w-e-e-e! Giving Mr. C an idea of your expectations about your marriage timeline is a great idea.
LOL!! This had me in tears laughing! Them Tampax Pearls was the best part!!
Kudos to you for being in what appears to be a blossoming relationship! I’m afraid, however, that your situation may be an anomaly.
As a man, I often find myself giving relationship advice to my 23-year-old sister and mid-to-late-20-something female friends. The first thing I tell them is that a man’s word is his bond. Thus, if a man tells her that he does not want to be “in a relationship” and does not want a “girlfriend,” I advise that she should believe him–regardless of how he acts.
Simply put, if a man does not give his word (“you are my girlfriend” or “I am your boyfriend”), he is not bound to act as such. I say this because, in romantic relationships, a man can really be held accountable only for what he commits to. Until he puts a ring on her finger, the only way she can try to protect her heart (and this is what’s most important) is a clear sign of commitment, which typically comes in the form of a title like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” This is not to say that titles are the only sign of commitment and devotion, but such titles convey a clearer meaning than most actions. A series of actions, left undefined or unexplained (by him), may indicate that he’s a nice guy or that he enjoys spending time with her–but not necessarily that he’s committed only to her and committed to developing the relationship between the two of them.
The best “sign,” I think, is how he introduces her to others–especially those whom he cares about, like his friends and family. If “girlfriend” does not precede her name in an introduction, she has not yet achieved a status higher than any other non-familial woman in his life. I tell my sister and friends to not set themselves up for confusion, frustration, or disappointment by thinking otherwise.
I’m with George, hon. He’s your boyfriend when he says so (or when he calls you his girlfriend) and not a second sooner.
Also, have you thought about whether he’s a serial monogamist? (The tampax made me go, hm.) Those are the guys that love being in intimate, even long term relationships with women they admire, find attractive, and even think are the best thing since sliced bread. They love you, even call you their best friend. They buy tampons, they give advice, they comfort and are comforted by you. But they do not marry. They do not commit for the future. I mean, if he knows about tampax pearls, and you didn’t teach him, where’s that from?