Since I’m known for being candid, when asked a straightforward but partially nosy question like “Where are you going right now?”, people are usually not satisfied when I give a vague, “polite” answer like, “I just have to take care of some things.” So sometimes, I just tell them a lie that will satisfy them—something logical with enough truth and detail in it that they won’t ask too many follow-up questions. Here are some unanswerable questions I recently encountered:
Do you want to have children? I used to be sure that I wanted five children (why exactly five I do not know). Now, I’m not so sure about that. Children seem exhausting and lots of moms seem more overwhelmed than overjoyed. Daniel Gilbert, a prominent Economist, says that children don’t necessarily make people happier. At this point in my life, I’m more interested in finding a life partner than procreating. But this doesn’t seem to be an acceptable answer for a lot of people. So when asked if I want kids, I say, “Someday.” It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not exactly the truth either since someday does imply that the day will in fact come. People with kids judge people who don’t want to have kids. Maybe there is something wrong with people who just want to hang out with their best friend forever and not have to worry about anyone’s life but their own. Maybe it’s a sequencing thing. Maybe I’ll meet someone so amazing I will want to have kids. Until then, I will keep smiling politely and saying, “Someday.”
How many times do you brush your teeth a day? I never learned to brush my teeth twice a day. It somehow was left out of Hygiene 101 when my parents were teaching me, and I’ve never been quite able to get in the habit. My teeth are not as white as I’d like them to be, but that can be taken care of by Crest’s Premium Whitening Strips or a zoom whitening while I’m out in LA this summer. I don’t care what anybody says to the contrary, but there is an entire underground community of once-a-day teeth-brushers out there. I know because several of my boyfriends have never, ever made a move to brush their teeth at night. I even bought one a toothbrush to keep at my apartment and he never once used it at night. It was like we each knew a dirty secret about one another—one we would never voice out loud but that lay in bed with us, snoring softly. I’ve never been asked directly about the frequency of my teeth brushing, but I would certainly lie about it if I was. Update: Now that eating candy is a big part part of my marketing internship, I am much better about brushing my teeth—sometimes even three times a day—but I definitely still lapse. And I will continue to lie if asked about it.
Do you think my boyfriend is cute? No I do not. If I thought he was cute, I would have exclaimed so as soon as I saw him. If you have to ask me, then no, he is not cute. But that doesn’t matter. You think he’s great, and that’s what matters. Do you really want your female friends sitting around thinking and talking about how attractive your boyfriend is? That just sounds like trouble. You will never hear me ask someone if they think my boyfriend is cute. I know when my boyfriends are cute (and when they are not), and I don’t need anyone’s confirmation of it. But people ask because they want their partner choice to be validated, and as a good friend who is happy for you, I want you to feel validated, so I will say, “Yes! He’s cute! Not my type—but he’s cute.”
How much do you exercise? I had to answer this question when I signed up for Match.com and I just could not bear to say that I do not exercise whatsoever. A few months ago, I wore workout clothes around campus because I had nothing else to wear and felt like a better person just because people thought I exercised. It seems like everyone exercises every single day at Harvard Business School, and I just do not. I know I am “wasting” the money that went toward my membership to the amazing gym here. I know that exercising will elevate my moods, improve my health, and give me a flat stomach, but I just don’t like to do it—not more than I like to do other things like read, nap, write or talk on the phone. But people seem to think that you’re lazy and boring if you don’t exercise, so sometimes when directly faced with the challenge of saying how much I exercise, I say “three times a week” and that I do Yoga. I like Yoga, but I don’t get to say I “do Yoga” if I’ve only been three times this whole year.
Why did you and [insert name here] break up? Many of my break-ups have been for outlandish reasons, but not every audience or occasion is appropriate for a detailed explanation. So instead of saying, “Because I found out he was married,” I will say, “He wasn’t very honest. And I didn’t feel comfortable moving forward with the relationship when I didn’t feel like I could believe him.” Instead of, “Because he was secretly sleeping with men,” I will reply, “It was just too hard to do the long-distance thing.” Instead of, “He was impotent,” I will close my eyes and say, “I just felt the need to be free.” Not all my boyfriends have been crazy, but enough of them have done crazy things to where I wonder what sort of tracking device for dating calamities I have implanted in my heart. It’s certainly something related to the law of attraction. I focus too much on the crazy things I’ve experienced in dating and those crazy things come floating toward me to build upon the growing snowball. So my half-truths about break-ups are actually quite positive in that they get me to focus less on the specific calamities that occurred and more on the reasons why I had to move on.
Maybe I’m just a people-pleaser. Maybe I just need to learn how to have a “better filter” more often so that people don’t expect an excruciating level of over-sharing. But until then, I’ll tell harmless lies when people ask me questions about my personal life that have no good answer to them. If you’ve got a better tactic for dodging these sorts of questions, enlighten me. Nobody wants to be a liar.
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I do believe this is my FAVORITE post to date,
I second Carla’s incomplete post! Very funny, cute, and true. Lately, when someone asks me a question I don’t want to answer I just say “I don’t really want to get into that” or just plain “I’m not going to talk about that.” It can be funny to see the surprised look on the asker’s face because they don’t expect me to be so blunt. Usually it’s a silencer too if you make direct eye contact when you say it. If you don’t look the asker straight in the eye then it gives them room to ask more questions. You just have to make sure that you don’t say it in a rude way or say it to someone in an inappropriate situation. This method is only for those people that will not back off!
Oooh, I’ve had the opposite problem of brushing my teeth too much/too hard! Somewhere along the way (in college, I think) I became “passionate” about brushing my teeth. Maybe I was making up for the years of non-regular brushing (as a kid I also wasn’t forced often enough into brushing my teeth and I didn’t find out what flossing was until I was a teenager). I’ve toned it down since then. But in my recent trip to the dentist I found that I’ve worn down my gums (ouch!), making them MORE susceptible to gum disease.
Actually, it wasn’t until recently that I learned how gum disease works and how easy it is to get it. It takes 12 hours of non brushing/flossing for bacteria to turn into plaque and another 12 hours for plaque to turn into tartar. So, within 24 hours, your gums are already turning to mush. So, I encourage brushing! If you’re only going to do it once, at least do it at night b/c that’s when you have most food/bacteria! You don’t want to end up looking like half the old people in our lives — toothless…and broke.
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