Open Heart | Open Mind | Happy Life

For the last six months, I’ve been determined to find my very own Obama. I decided he would be a gorgeous, Harvard-educated Black man who is crazy about me, a great lover, passionate about traveling, and willing to be the breadwinner while I try to make it as a “creative type”. In the search for this man, I’ve been on more dates this year than I have in the prior four years combined. I thought that generating a detailed list of all the things I wanted in a man would help draw him to me. I even made a vision board. However, a recent experience has opened my heart and mind, and has shown me the blessings you can miss out on when you are too narrowly focused on an outcome rather than having an open-ended idea of what’s important to you.

While I’ve dated my fair share of non-Black men, I’ve focused on dating only Black men the last three years. I thought Black men would understand me better, that we’d be more compatible, and the photos would look so picture perfect! My parents have never pressured me to date only Black men. They just want me to be happy, and they have always been friendly and loving toward any guy I bring home. The pressure to achieve Black Love came from within. I wasn’t shy about proclaiming my love for Black men, or my reluctance to date non-Black men. I was a woman on a mission with no time to waste.

However, I’m now dating a non-Black man for the first time in three years (and by dating, I mean we’ve been on two dates and I’d like to go on some more). I met him over a year ago when he was at Harvard as a prospective graduate student, chatted with him over lunch about the joint degree program, and moved on with my life. I thought he was a great guy, and I enthusiastically marketed him to my Latina friends: “Girl, if you’re ever in LA, find this man! He’s a keeper!” But I never considered him for myself because he wasn’t Black.

We recently reconnected since he knew I was coming out to LA for my internship. We made plans to go out to dinner as friends (or so I thought), but as the date unfolded, I was blown away by the amount of thought and effort he put into turning the friend dinner into a memorable, special first date. I never once felt like anything was “missing” because he wasn’t Black. We have great conversations, great chemistry, and he loves to travel, eat zany foods, and go on adventures.

He’s even applying to the joint degree program at Harvard Business School.

I don’t know what’s in the future for Mr. Something New and I, but the surprise friend-dinner-turned-fabulous-date has really encouraged me to loosen my white-knuckled grip on my goals and to have more of an open mind and open heart in life.

Other things I will try to be more open-minded about:

· My career goals: I always say, “I want to be a self-help author, talk show host, and filmmaker,” but what I really mean is, “I want to reach and influence people through my writing and speaking, and I want creativity and storytelling to be a major part of my life. I want enough money and command over my time to travel, go out to eat, and be a patron of the arts. I want to be happily married to someone I love passionately.” That’s quite different, and also a lot more achievable than “Be the next Oprah.” And the life I just described is not Oprah’s life. She could never continue to manage her mega-brand and just take off for Paris for a year. I want to be able to do that.

· My friendships: The times when I’ve been open-minded about getting close to people who are really different than me have resulted in some of my longest lasting and most rewarding friendships. One of my best guy friends is an Irish Catholic French-Canadian who now lives in Paris. We became friends, because I walked up to him during orientation at Harvard, and said, “Will you be my friend?” And we love each other’s company! And now I have someone to stay with when I take off for Paris for a year.

As we grow older, we sometimes get entrenched in notions of who we are, what we’re about, and what we want in life. Take the time to consider whether you’re being determined and clear about what you want or whether you’re being rigid and self-limiting, potentially closing yourself off from something really great.

The happiest people are those that approach life and all the tasks and experiences within it with an open heart and open mind.