I grew up as a devout, fundamentalist, Evangelical Southern Baptist. I was taught a lot of things I no longer agree with, but one thing that has stayed with me is the importance of knowing that people are always observing you to see the nature of your character. I learned that it is imperative that those of us who want to consciously and positively influence others must always be aware of how our behavior and demeanor affect other people, and adjust according—either adjust the way you are attempting to influence others or adjust the people whom you are trying to influence.
I have a strong unapologetic personality that can be used for good or harm. I believe that my outspoken nature encourages others to speak up against things that are unfair—or just plain inefficient. My fierce belief in my own dreams encourages people to give voice to their own aspirations. My friendliness and warmth toward people I have just met makes them feel included, valued, and comfortable around me.
However, I can also be highly judgmental and bossy toward my close friends and family members. My high expectations (for myself and others) as well as the conviction with which I express my opinions can be manipulative tools of influence. Throughout high school, college, and graduate school, it’s always been more important to me to be well-respected than well-known and well-liked. Obviously, I want people to like me, but I’d rather have my peers feel neutral about me socially but have a deep respect for my character. Therefore, it is very important to me that I affect people in respectful and empowering ways.
How to Know How You Affect Other People
- Ask. Here is a script you can use with a close friend or family member: “Carla, I’m interested in learning how I can be a better person and better friend. Can you tell me how our friendship has affected you? When you talk to me and are around me, what are some of the positive and not-so-positive ways that I affect you?” Be sure to have an open heart and open mind to what they share so that it does not turn a learning experience into an argument. You will be pleasantly surprised with the many ways you have had a positive impact on those around you as well as receive valuable feedback on some of the ways you could improve your influencing style.
- Reflect upon past conflicts. Think back to the times you have had fights with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, and family members. What are the things they say about you in the heat of the moment? How might some of those things be true? For me, I get told that I am: whiny, selfish, dramatic, bossy, and have unrealistic expectations. I own all these character flaws, and realize that all of these characteristics are unproductive tools of influence—even if they do sometimes get me what I want in the moment. I actively work to make sure that I decreasingly rely on such tactics.
- Think about how others act around you. If people who are usually outgoing and talkative clam up around you, you might be a little overbearing and intimidating. If people who are usually quiet and private open up to you, you might be a person who people trust and confide in. I have learned over the years how to gauge whether I am intimidating, inspiring, amusing, or annoying to people. I try not to take the negative reactions personally—and realize that I’m getting some very helpful feedback on unproductive ways I might be attempting to influence others.
It is important to remember that you should not be bending over backward trying to please people and make people like you. However, in building relationships—in your personal life, at work, or in your community—understanding how you affect other people will help you be more effective at influencing others. A keen self-awareness of how you affect others will guide you toward the audiences who are most open to receiving your message as well as appreciating the way in which you deliver it.
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Re: “Carla, I’m interested in learning how I can be a better person and better friend. Can you tell me how our friendship has affected you? When you talk to me and are around me, what are some of the positive and not-so-positive ways that I affect you?”
This is probably best said in person (hopefully I’ll see you soon again), but… in direct literal response to your blog post (although I know putting in ‘Carla’ is interchangeable with any of your many friends, family and other significant others in your life), our friendship has had distinctly positive effects on me, particularly in Cuba–when we really go to know each other. Your very assertive (some might call it dominant) personality made me want to emulate those traits (in a good way) in that I was able to gain much more self-confidence in myself–I think you really helped me come out of my shell. Being in Cuba didn’t hurt either.
Wow Kaneisha after reading this I feel like we’re twins.
This is an interesting article. As always, I enjoy seeing how you use writing to create art. I will throw a different perspective to the table: I think when we become judgemental and hold people to our expectactions, it becomes a world centered around us: our needs, our wants, our desires, our thoughts, etc. Thus, it can be hard to approach people in respectful ways. I think one of the best ways to know what type of influence we have on others is how vulnerable we are with them and how well we serve them, everything else becomes secondary.
Marisol! That was so beautifully put. I agree. I once read: “It’s more important to understand other people than to be understood.” That might seem a little in conflict with being a blogger, but I feel like I understand others’ points of views a little better everyday by putting mine out there.