One reason to take it slow is the possibility of turning into a vampire...
I’m infamous among my friends for going on one or two lovely dates with a man and then declaring he is the person God put on this Earth for me to marry. It’s gotten so bad that my friends now just interpret that line as, “He’s a great guy! I look forward to getting to know him better.” As a person who dives two feet first at the first sign of love, I have some advice for you on how and why you should take it slow when you feel like you’re falling in love.
You could lose yourself—and your friends. In the early stages of falling in love, we often want to spend every waking moment with our new love interest. In doing so, we sometimes neglect our friends and family as well as the hobbies and interests that drew our new love interest to us in the first place. As much as it feels good to be with your love interest as much as possible, you will do yourself and your relationship a favor if you give one another time to be apart. That way, you’ll actually have things to talk about when spend time together. You won’t depend on one another for your entire happiness, because you will each have independent lives. The relationship serves to augment what is already a fulfilling life rather than serving as your reason for being. To keep from losing yourself in the person you’re dating, spend time apart to cultivate your friendships and personal interests.
You could get pregnant. When you’re in love, you sometimes lose touch with reality. You get caught up in the euphoric high of finding someone who excites you physically, emotionally, and intellectually. You want to connect with them in every way possible—and this often means having passionate, dramatic sex. However, being in love does not mean having unprotected sex (no matter how delicious it feels) will not get you pregnant. If you feel yourself falling in love, make sure you ask your partner to get tested, get yourself some contraception, and use it—whether you plan to have sex or not in the near future. I suggest waiting as long as possible (be it two weeks or two months) before having sex, so that you have adequate time to really get to know the person—and to get tested.
You could scare them away. People don’t always fall in love at the same pace. I believe in Sherry Argov’s philosophy that women fall in love by spending time with a man and that men fall in love in a woman’s absence–when they realize how much they miss their woman. Using “in love” language like “The universe brought us together” (one of my favorites) or “We are so getting married” (another favorite of mine) could easily scare your partner away. It’s also important not to let a guy who says these “in love” things trick you into playing along. It’s easy to get caught up in a passionate moment, declare your love and devotion for one another, and then one person be left during the afterglow having second thoughts, like, “Maybe this is moving too fast…” If your partner starts saying dramatic in-love statements, respond with something like, “That means a lot to me that you say that. I’m really excited about where our relationship is going.” It’s honest without luring you into the quicksand terrain of infatuation.
I love love. I think the discovery of love is what makes life worth living, the possibility of love is what motivates people to create art, and the perceived scarcity of love causes nations to wage wars. However, it’s important to realize that the process of falling in love is one that can—in small ways—be managed, so that your love grows over time rather than quickly flaming out.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post, Kaneisha. As someone who has made the mistake of getting caught up in passionate “moments,” while later having to essentially backtrack on what I had said, I agree that pacing in relationships is crucial.
Your post brings up an interesting question – what criteria should a woman use to know when to have sex with a man for the first time?
hmm you should have sex whenever you feel like it. Where is it written that there is when “the right time” is. just make sure you do it because you want it. Don’t look at it as anything other than just sex. expectations in love almost always lead to disappointments. don’t think just because you have sex a guy/girl is now obligated to like you. Don’t think if you wait extra long that will have an affect either. If someone likes you they like you and will show it…. please watch he’s just not that into you. then watch it again. lol
P.S. Don’t rule out the fact that if you don’t hear from him or her after sex that maybe the sex just wasn’t that good. good sex always gets at least one repeat performance.
I know, but pacing is soooo hard!
I came upon your website on google and read about every article you have. You’re soo helpful. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months and things are starting to get rough. I used to be such a carefree, fun-loving, open-minded person and the small things in life made me happy and he tells me that’s why he fell for me. I just now realized by reading your advice that I have lost myself..completely. I feel so amazing that i figured out the problem to our relationship problems. I’ve been neglecting my passion for art and the things I used to do by myself. The relationship is starting to get unhealthy and it is wearing me down, I actually felt like I had depression. I just want to thank you for your words, you’re a beautiful person for helping others
I would just like to say that this article has really opened my eyes. I, in fact, slipped up and told my boyfriend of only 2 months that I think i was falling in love with him. and his reaction was something like “That means a lot to me that you say that. I’m really excited about where our relationship is going.” Not verbatim, but still very close, and then some. this only happened about a week ago and I am having this overwhelming sense of worry that he’s not going to fall in love with me. I truly care for him and have decided to give him space and some time to miss me. I hope that this works out because i don’t want to get hurt. I would just like to thank you for this, It’s extremely nice to know that there are such similar situations out there that exist. It’s very hard to contain such strong feelings, and i have definitely learned from it. I just hope he comes around
you are so awesome! please keep writing these amazing posts! so many of us young women need to hear things like this and not lose ourselves when it comes to relationships. we need to remind each other about this & make sure we focus on ourselves, educate ourselves & enrich our lives independently, first and foremost. Where i am coming from, we never talk about issues like these, so the information and your advice on these matters mean so much more to me. Thank you, thank you, very much
you are indeed a beautiful person 