If you’re single, and hope to be married one day, take time to date. Think of how the job search requires active effort on your part–networking, keeping yourself busy so that when you finally get an interview you have something to say about what you’ve been doing for the last six months, etc. You don’t just wander throughout life hoping a great job will land in your email inbox (and if by some unfortunate happenstance, you do do this, stop immediately and read the book The Job Search Solution). In the same way, you have to invest time and energy to date–and to learn about how to date effectively.
I devour self-help books, and hope to write them some day. Books on dating, relationships, and marriage abound, but the bestsellers are actually all quite in line with one another in the advice that they give. I’ll save you some time and summarize some of the advice that I’ve read repeatedly, believe in myself, and try my hardest to practice:
1. Dating is supposed to be a fun learning experience. There’s a book titled If it Hurts, It Isn’t Love, and I just love that title because it points out how ridiculous the saying “love hurts” is. I don’t remember the last time love hurt me–only the times when men I have loved have done or said things that hurt my feelings. Those are two completely different things. Dating is not about drama, heartache, and pain. It’s about meeting new people, learning about with what sorts of people you are compatible, and having fun. If your relationship is making you feel bad, it’s not good for you–or your friends and family who have to hear about it.
2. Unless you’re in a mutual committed relationship, date several people at a time. Women have lots of what I like to call “love energy” and it’s good to spread that energy across several people–especially for the first three months of dating as you are getting to know someone. Dating several people is a surefire way to make sure you take things slowly (physically and emotionally), helps you build up an ability to shrug off instances of a guy who doesn’t call as often as you’d like, and helps highlight what you do and don’t like in each person (e.g. Guy X is more thoughtful than Guy Y, but Guy Y is more interesting). This advice may seem counterintuitive or impossible to achieve, but actually trying it is the only way to show just how useful this tip is.
3. Women and men communicate differently–and that’s okay. Thanks to John Gray, I realized that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Once Dr. Gray taught me this important lesson, I drastically reduced my nagging, asking probing questions when I noticed a guy brooding, and worrying when a guy disappeared for several days at a time. Women solve problems by talking them through with their girlfriends. Men solve problems by retreating to their cave (both physically and mentally) to do whatever they do in there, work it out, and emerge ready to play again. You can’t chase them into the cave, you can’t stand outside of the cave waiting for them to come out, and you can’t yell into the cave and throw stuff in there. You just have to go about living your life and wait for them to be ready to join the world again.
4. Online Dating is Grrrreat! I don’t care what prejudices you have toward online dating. If you’re single and don’t want to be, you are cheating yourself out of a great opportunity by resisting it. I’ve been really happy with my recent foray into online dating. I resisted it for several months, even though two of my friends met their very wonderful boyfriends online. When I finally paid for a subscription, created an authentic and interesting profile, and put up some thoughtfully chosen pictures, I was delighted with how many handsome, smart, and nice guys I met. It took me awhile to get it right though. I will save specific tips on successful online dating for another posting, but I will take the time to plug Match.com, because it’s my favorite of the few sites I’ve tried.
I hope that these tips have at least given all you single CrazyGirls out there some food for thought. Now put all that go-getter energy you used to get this far to find the person of your dreams.
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Amen Kaneisha! Love does not hurt, hit, or punch. If anything, love makes you cupcakes and love will watch Netflix movies with you in sweatpants.
Ok, I’m a guy who just stumbled in here………I don’t post comments too often but I REALLY think I must say something about your point #2 about multidating -
Serious Guys are actually PUT OFF by GIRLS who are dating other men at the same time. Think of my from my perspective – I want to take my date to the most awesome place and do whatever I can to make sure that she is having a GREAT time! BUT if I realize that she’s going to be out with some new guy tomorrow then that completely KILLS my spirit to make efforts towards the date. In fact, when I realize that this girl might be dating someone else too, I completely lose interest. Not that I might not date her anymore but then I see her as just another friends with benefits and I no longer want to make efforts to create that special evenings for both of us! Further, I would never see such a girl as marriage material either! So girls, unless you want a f**ck buddy, don’t multidate! Men will always figure it out if you are not available every other weekend or every other saturday and then they will stop respecting you. If you are looking for a serious fulfilling relationship, then show it by wanting to be exclusive with the person that you really like! Just a guy’s advice!
@Achilles: Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Thanks for reading and weighing in with “guy’s advice”.
Sorry, Kaneisha. I totally agree with achilles too. I wouldn’t want a guy to even be okay with me dating someone else. I would never be okay with a guy dating someone else either. If I am into anyone, I will be putting lots of effort- on all fronts- into the situation and wouldn’t be able to if there were other guys for me or other girls for him. I also just plain don’t have the energy or time to put into more than one guy at a time anyway. But to each their own, obviously this works for some people but not me!
Since when does dating automatically equal sex? Dating more than one person at once is even common in the most conservative circles in order to ensure that people don’t get too serious about the wrong person just because there’s a little interest. Sometimes it’s best for us to see what’s acceptable in the the non-serious stages of dating not only for ourselves, but how we treat others.
As a serial monogamist and a frequent first-time girlfriend, I’ve come to see the benefits of shopping around and having a guy be SURE that he is into me and not just into a relationship in general. That doesn’t mean that we’re swapping bodily fluids on the first date and then doing the same thing with someone else the next night, but it does mean we’re hanging out with someone, one-on-one, with the chance of going elsewhere.
Are we saying no to multidating across the board or just for women, because if that’s the case that’s problematic on several levels. At the end of the day most women over 30 have no interest in multidating and many think dating in general sucks, LOL. But perhaps till we get there, we should try to to work out the stuff on the inside that makes it hard to shrug off the guy who doesn’t call as often as we’d like rather than using volume as a bandaid to cover up our own insecurities. Still, to each his – or her – own, right? Those who like spreading love energy around should definitely feel free to do so – and just not date Achilles
And just to back my girl up, I’d reference Pat Allen and Ann Marsh:
““Dating one person is over-focus. Two is either-or. And three is balance,” says psychologist Pat Allen, author of Getting To I Do. That way, if a seeming prospect suddenly disappears, which happened to me several times, you won’t feel as crushed knowing you’ve got several new dates lined up. Because you aren’t getting physically involved with anyone, your dates will be much more accepting of your seeing other people should the subject arise. If it does, you can honestly say, “I plan to continue dating several people until I find the right one and am ready to commit.” Stick to it. When dating online, especially, finding a mate is a numbers game. By dating several men at once, I met more men more quickly and, being able to compare them to each other, I felt more sure I’d met the right guy when I did.”
Final thought: perhaps a CrazyGirl definition of dating post – “Dating a la CrazyGirl” – might be helpful…
I think there are some contradicting interpretations of “multidating” here. To flesh out Kaneisha’s initial analogy, once you land the great job, you don’t go around continuing to work several different jobs each week just for fun, or even because you’re not certain you want that great job to be your *career*… Multidating, like a proactive job search, happens BEFORE you’ve committed to anything, and it is definitely NOT the same as having multiple relationships at once, which – I think we can all agree – is cheating, and a huge turnoff for guys and girls alike… Theoretically, when you are at the stage where you’re casually dating multiple people, they wouldn’t know about one another so they have no reason to judge you for it or to be turned off by it. Seriously, do you expect that every single person you go on a first date with has already emotionally committed to you 100%? No, that would be weird. More importantly, casually dating multiple people is not the same as casually SLEEPING with multiple people…
Finally, thank you Kaneisha for acknowledging the growing opportunity that is online dating. While there’s still a lot of stigma around it, I think it has really transformed and will continue to normalize itself. I now know several people our age who have met wonderful, non-serial-killers through online dating services and are still in serious relationships with them… I look forward to your upcoming post on online dating!
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